Last, week, I spoke with Miranda Dempsey McCroskey of Lawpreneur Radio about the importance of civil rights for crime victims, how plaintiffs’ attorneys have been instrumental in exposing abuse … and, of course, THE WELL-ARMORED CHILD. The podcast is up and you can listen here.
Or, you can check out the interview on iTunes.
It’s that time of year again. You’ve made the rounds to the local big box and office supply stores. You have scoured every children’s clothing section in a 20-mile radius for “fashion-forward”—yet “tastefully modest”—school wear. You have soccer snacks, cleats, football gear, cheer uniforms and a brand new lunch box.
But there is one more thing your child MUST HAVE, and it’s not in any store, hand-me-down box, or school supply bin: Trust in his or her gut.
How your child USES and trusts his or her gut can be the first and best defense against child sexual abuse.
Child predators try to carefully manipulate children using flattery, gifts, lies, and threats (this manipulation is called grooming) so that the child does not follow his or her instincts and becomes a “compliant” victim—a victim who does not fight and won’t report to the police.
Unfortunately, we live in a society that prizes the use of logic over intuition. We value procedure over instinct. We ask our children to tell us how they solve problems, but we don’t allow the answer: It just felt right. And with that, we are doing our children a terrible disservice.
Unfortunately, it’s also how tens of thousands of children become vulnerable to child sexual abuse by people they know and trust—teachers, coaches, relatives, and ministers.
I have worked with approximately 1000 adults who were sexually abused as children. And while there are many unique reasons that each child was vulnerable, there is also one over-arching theme: when their gut told each victim to turn around and walk away, their minds and the predator talked and manipulated them out of it.
Your child does not have to suffer the same fate.
Experts often call the gut the body’s “second brain.” In fact, with 500 million neurons, the gut is an amazing organ—it reacts to stress, mood changes, and millions of potential toxins that come into our bodies through our mouths. Since many scientists believe that the gut is, in fact, our original brain, it’s no wonder that we have coined terms like “gut feelings” and “gut reactions” for our initial (and often correct) reactions to situations. It’s our original survival instinct.
You want your child to follow this survival instinct and react properly when adults blur boundaries, act inappropriately, or groom children for abuse. You want your child to follow her gut and talk to you if she sees, hears about, or has a feeling that a child is being hurt. You don’t want a predator to con your child into being his or her next victim, and your child’s gut is his or her first defense.
So how can you show your child how to use his gut without scaring him or giving her age-inappropriate information about sex abuse? It’s easier than you think.
1) Talk to your child about gut feelings. This is a very easy discussion to start. Whether your child is a kindergartner or a teen, there are dozens of situations every day where your child has to make a decision that is a part of the gut vs. brain paradigm. Explain how the gut reacts to situations—a great example is talking about stomach “butterflies” during times of excitement or stress. You can talk to your kids about peer pressure, and how peers will try to convince them to do things that go against “gut feelings”—gut feelings that later prove to be correct. Encourage your child to make decisions based on thinking and feeling. I’m not talking about basing decisions on emotion, but telling your child that it’s okay to embrace that “inner instinctual pull” they may feel towards a specific decision.
2) Don’t force your child to hug or kiss adults if he or she is uncomfortable doing so. This is especially important for younger children. When we force toddlers to hug adults when they don’t want to, we reinforce two bad behaviors: we are telling our children that we don’t respect their body boundaries; and we are telling them that it’s okay for adults to touch them in ways they don’t like. We are also implicitly telling them to go against their gut feelings about creepy adults, which will lead to trouble later if another adult tries to groom the child for abuse.
3) Don’t dismiss your child when he or she says that an adult is creepy, even if you like the adult. It’s very easy to tell your child Don’t be silly when she comes to you and says that a particular coach, teacher or neighbor is creepy. But don’t do it. Respect your child’s feelings, ask them why he or she thinks that way, and tell them to steer clear of that adult, while remaining respectful.
4) Tell your child that mistakes are opportunities to learn and grow. Enforce the fact that you want your child to talk about mistakes, even if they are embarrassing. Your child is going to mess up. You are going to mess up. Your child is going to make mistakes that infuriate you. As a parent, it’s your job to create proper consequences if rules are broken, but it’s also your job to be an ear. The more you reinforce to your child that he or she can come to you and talk about mistakes, ask for help, ask your opinion, or just be an ear, you are telling your child to trust his or her instincts. You are also raising a child who will be more likely to come to you when an adult acts strangely, tries to blur boundaries, or is inappropriate.
My op-ed in today’s Lafayette Advertiser: Releasing priests’ names a matter of public safety
I am very excited to announce that I have found a literary agent for THE WELL-ARMORED CHILD. Since I haven’t “signed on the dotted line” yet, I’ll keep the name under wraps.
Besides, everyone loves a little suspense. It builds character.
And yeah … I’m excited.
This past Sunday, I had a bit of an epiphany.
I was getting ready to receive an award for my work on behalf of SNAP for creating awareness for support groups. The organization honoring us—SHARE! The Self Help and Recovery Exchange—is an awesome non-profit that provides more than 140 support groups a week, helps people in crisis find temporary-to-permanent housing, and offers volunteer-to-job training (among a myriad of other services). What struck me about the group is that they empower people to help themselves—instead of allowing the vulnerable to become a “part of the system” and relying on useless handouts without the tools and capabilities to function in society. But I digress. 
I was worried: I needed to give a 5-minute speech. I didn’t really want to talk about me or my story, because that wasn’t what the award was about. I didn’t want to talk about “my” work, because let’s face it: I don’t and can’t do the work that I do alone.
But then, it dawned on me: It all started with a support group.
The explosion in child sex abuse awareness and prevention did not start with a bunch of doctors standing up and saying, “We have an epidemic!” The child sex abuse and cover-up crisis in the Catholic Church and other religious organizations was not exposed when a bunch of judges to awakened one night and said, “I am going to commence a trial right now and expose this crap.” And none of it was started by lawyers. It started in a support group meeting.
The movement began a victim reached out find other victims and when a parent wanted to find out the truth about her child. Together and separately, they started to heal. Then they met more victims. Soon, they discovered they had civil and criminal rights and worked with law enforcement to punish wrongdoers. Then they realized: we can change our laws to help more victims and protect children from being abused in the first place. As laws were changed and abuse and cover-up were exposed, more victims came forward. Where did they go? They went to support group meetings. Now instead of a cycle of abuse and pain, survivors of sexual abuse had created a cycle of support, healing and change.
No one gave us a handout. We were (and still are) politically incorrect in many circles. Religious leaders lambast us in the media and try to vilify us. But they won’t succeed. Why? Because we empowered ourselves to create the cycle of healing.
And like other persecuted groups, we stood up and said it was time for us to be counted.
What happened? We fought for more victim and child-friendly laws across the country. We exposed predators and those who covered up for predators world-wide. We have gotten the notice of international judicial bodies who have decided to help us. We have reached out to families and communities and showed them that it is safe and easy to protect their children from abuse.
But what is the most important thing we have done? We have done something that has transcended the “scandal.” We have opened the dialogue in homes and families, schools and communities. People are talking and walking into our cycle of healing whether that be in our meetings or the meetings of other wonderful organizations. The Catholic Church and other institutions did not start or continue the cycle of healing. Victims did. Without support groups, none of this would have been possible.
Suddenly, I had something fill up my five minutes.
Other amazing honorees at the SHARE! Awards included the LA County Client Coalition; John Hall with Secular Organizations for Sobreity; Veterans in Film and Television, the Center for Lupus Care; and actress and suicide prevention activist Mariette Hartley.
