The Worthy Adversary

Category: Shameless Plugs

  • Think that parents don’t want a “toolkit” book to prevent abuse? Think again

    Last month, I received a very lovely rejection letter from a well-respected New York agent who had asked to review the entire proposal for THE WELL-ARMORED CHILD.

    She liked the book, loved the writing, but told me that she just didn’t think the market for the book was “robust” enough.

    A story yesterday on CNN.com shows just how wrong that assumption is.

    CNN’s Kelly Wallace attended a PTA meeting at her child’s school. The presenter, Jill Starishevsky, a New York City assistant district attorney in the child abuse and sex crimes bureau and author of the book “My Body Belongs to Me,” spoke to parents about why it’s so important to discuss sexual abuse with their children.

    Starishevsky’s book is child-focused, using poems and stories to safely and easily show children how to empower their bodies.

    Wallace was blown away. Not only by the material, but how and why parents are scared and confused about when and how to talk to their children about sexual abuse.

    If parents of young children are craving this information, parents of ALL children need it. That’s why THE WELL-ARMORED CHILD is a MUST READ for any parent of caregiver. There’s a market, but they have been too scared to raise their hands publicly. But not anymore.

    You can read more about THE WELL-ARMORED CHILD here.

     

     

  • An honor I am overwhelmed to receive …

     

    HonoringJoelleCasteix-14-04-22

     

    I am so flattered and overwhelmed to be honored with the Susan Laufer Award for Outstanding Contribution to Support Group Awareness for “tireless work in spreading the word about support groups for those abused by priests.”

    If you would like to come, PLEASE let me know. We want you there to join us. You can also RSVP at the link above.

    It’s times like this that I humbly realize that I stand on the shoulders of giants. I will accept it on behalf of the heroes that came before me, stand beside me, and will follow me after I am long gone.

    For more about Share!, click here.

  • When children abuse: A preventable tragedy

    A breaking story today has kept my phone ringing off the hook: A southern California third grader has been accused of sexually assaulting a classmate numerous times during the past year. School administrators only found out about it when other students at an after-school program reported what they saw. (Kudos to those kids!)

    Tragic? Yes. Horrifying? Yes.

    Preventable. YES!

    But fear, panic and over-reaction are not how to prevent this kind of abuse.

    Remember: third graders know little to nothing about sex. For the victim in this case, authorities believe that he didn’t report because he didn’t even have the vocabulary to describe what was happening to him.

    So, what do you do?

    You go back to the four ways to protect your preschooler from abuse. Number 3 is the relevant lesson here:

    3) Looking and touching

    The bathtub is a good time to teach this lesson. Tell children that no one is to touch their private body parts and they are to never touch anyone else’s. Tell them that no one is to take pictures of them when they have no clothes on. Don’t use a tone of fear in the discussion – If you approach this the same way as you approach the rules of crossing the street or sharing toys, your child will not be scared or threatened.

    As your children get older, you can tell them that even if what is happening feels good, they need to tell mom or dad right away.

    I just had this discussion with my second grader this afternoon. I asked him what he would do if someone—an adult or another classmate—touched him or wanted my son to touch them. He said he would say “NO!” and go and tell mom.

    When I asked him what he would do if he really liked that person, he hesitated.

    I told him, “If anyone touches your penis or bottom or touches you in any way that makes you feel icky, come and tell mom. It’s not your job to worry about what the other person thinks about you or their feelings. It’s mom’s job to take care of you. And mom will never be mad at you for it. Remember, sometimes even when things feel good, they are still bad and make you feel bad afterward—like eating too much Halloween candy. So just tell mom and let mom solve the problem for you.”

    He nodded, and then asked if he could play outside today. There was no belabored discussion; I didn’t nag (one of my big faults); and I didn’t act in a way that scared him.

    Later he asked me why I brought up the conversation. I told him that I want to help him be strong and safe.

    Is this method 100% fool-proof? No. But it could have empowered the victim in Riverside to tell his parents or teachers about what was happening to him. And it was also possibly the reason that the other students reported.

    By reporting, the other children did two important things: 1) they stopped the abuse so that the victim can get help and care, and 2) they stopped a child who most probably would have become a repeat molester.

    That’s some pretty powerful stuff that we can all take to heart.

     

     

     

  • Big Announcement

    I am super-duper excited to announce my next book project:

    Raising the Armored Kid: A victim and advocate gives you the tools to help your children stay safe from sexual abuse (working title)

    This easy-to-read, easy-to-use book will teach parents, caregivers and loved ones common sense strategies that will help children stay safe from child sexual abuse. I include age-specific tools to empower children—from toddlers to adults—and repel predators.

    But that is only part of the book. I also explain predatory behaviors such as grooming, give insight into institutional cover-up of abuse, and show how something as simple as changing a parenting style can make the difference in your child’s safety.

    Why this book?

    I thought back to the more than 10+ years of conversations I have had about my work as an advocate for adult victims of child sexual abuse. The dialogue is always the same: They ask me what I do. I tell them. They ooh and ahh for a minute. Then every parent ASKS THE SAME QUESTION:

    “Gosh, what can I do to make sure that it doesn’t happen to my kid?”

    That’s when I realized that there is no easy-to-read “toolkit” type of book for parents when it comes to preventing child sexual abuse.There are websites here and there, but most are written by academics who have never been “in the trenches” with abuse victims. Information is difficult or impossible to find on important topics such as grooming, parenting styles, and institutional rot.

    Somebody needed to write this book. But who?

    Then I realized—that person is me. I am a victim with a powerful and relevant story to tell. I am a parent. I have worked with more than 1,000 victims of child sexual abuse, read the depositions of hundreds of predators, and work closely with advocates, educators and leaders in the field. I’ve been in the trenches, and it’s time for me to use that knowledge to help stop the cycle.

    If you don’t need this book, you love someone who does.

    More coming soon!

  • New Showtime series addresses Catholic Clergy Abuse Crisis

    I have not seen the series premiere yet, but Showtime is streaming the whole first episode of their new series RAY DONOVAN on YouTube.

    According to the Facebook page: “Set in the sprawling mecca of the rich and famous, RAY DONOVAN does the dirty work for LA’s top power players. The one-hour drama series stars Liev Schreiber as the go-to guy who makes the problems of the city’s elite disappear”

    Why do I care (besides the fact that I really need a new show to watch now that I have seen all of the episodes of Walking Dead and Downton Abbey)? Well, it’s personal. Last year, the show’s production supervisor reached out to me because one of the show’s stars hoped to talk to victims of priest sexual abuse. Actor Dash Mihok wanted to create an accurate representation of his character Bunchy Donovan, Ray’s brother, who is a victim of sexual abuse by a Catholic priest. Since I personally could not help (I’m not male and not a victim of a priest), I put them in contact with my good friend Ken (an actor, as well as a survivor), who helped him wrap his arms around a complex and difficult subject.

    Kudos to actor Dash Mihok and the producers of RAY DONOVAN for being brave enough to talk to victims, instead of relying upon stereotypes. Hopefully, the portrayal of Bunchy is compassionate to victims and helps anyone suffering in shame and silence to come forward, get help and report crimes.

    Actor Dash Mihok plays clergy sex abuse survivor Bunchy Donovan in Showtime's new series RAY DONOVAN
    Actor Dash Mihok plays clergy sex abuse survivor Bunchy Donovan in Showtime’s new series RAY DONOVAN