The Worthy Adversary

Category: Parenting

  • Talking to teens about abuse? Check your panic at the door

     

    Talking to your teen about sexual abuse? Don’t worry. Just take a deep breath and keep reading.

    If your kids are younger, start here.

    Usually, teen victims will reach out to their peers—friends who have no training, few skills and lack the maturity to properly report the abuse to the cops and get the victim help. Many times, the victim will swear the friend to secrecy. The friend, seeing how the victim has already been hurt and betrayed, will readily keep the secret. If the abuser is a teacher of someone the friend knows, the peer will keep the secret out of fear.

    It’s a lose-lose: We have another teen who is suffering from vicarious trauma, fear and stress because they are forced to “keep the secret.” This happened in my own case, and the long-term wounds that many of my high school classmates suffered were just as deep and long-lasting as my own. Teen victims are also more likely to be blamed for the abuse (“Why did you keep going back?” “Why didn’t you just punch the guy?” “You must have wanted it.”), so the lifetime effects of the abuse can be more debilitating and shameful for everyone involved.

    You’re a parent of a teenager. What the hell do you do now?

    First, think about your goal: You want your kid to come to YOU immediately when something shameful, scary, confusing, and painful happens to them or one of their friends.

    How do we accomplish the goal?

    1) Check your panic at the door. Did you hear me? I’ll say it again: CHECK YOUR PANIC AT THE DOOR! Are you the parent who reads about all of the “teen drug trends” on the internet and goes to bed at night sweating with fear? Do you wag your finger at your teens and tell them they have no idea who is lurking on the internet? Do you tell them that it was NEVER this bad when you were young?

    Well, you’re lying. You’re only panicking because you’re old.

    Did your teenager roll his eyes at you and shut down? Of course, because you were being a dork. Don’t a dork. Teenagers eat dorks for breakfast.

    Truth be told, our kids are drinking less, doing less drugs and engaging in less risker behaviors than they were in the 1970s and 1980s. (I went to high school in the 1980s. Alcohol, drugs and sex were everywhere. My husband’s Irvine High 1980 yearbook class photo sported a four-foot joint. My dad tells stories about his fraternity years—1956-1960— that gross me out.)

    2) Sit down with your teen and ask them open-ended, non-threatening questions. Ask them because you are genuinely interested in them and their lives. Ask them what happens at school. Ask them what they see. They may not open up the first time, but slowly, they’ll start telling you. If they ask you if you drank in high school and you did, tell them the truth (but don’t follow it with “but you had better not”). Chances are that your kid will respect you more for telling the truth and open up to you if they have questions.

    A great conversation opener may be saying that you remember how hard it was to be a teenager (You couldn’t pay me enough to go back) and you just want to make sure things are okay.

    Ask them if they know anyone at school who has been sexually abused. (You can tell them that adults being sexual with teens is never okay). Ask them if they are carrying secrets for themselves or someone else. Ask them about their friends. Ask them about who is dating whom. Then let it go. They’ll remember.

    3) Don’t be judgmental. Don’t be embarrassed. Don’t lecture. Don’t interrupt. Don’t lie.

    4) Whatever you do, don’t fly off the handle. Make this a general rule and follow it. You can still be a parent and have rules and command respect without yelling and screaming at the drop of a hat. Make it safe for your kid to come to you. Even though your teen will deny it to the moon and back, he wants you to be a safe haven. She wants you to care. They want you to help take care of their problems.

    5) Educate yourself on reporting and support. Get the phone numbers for local law enforcement and keep them handy. Call the police desk sergeant and ask him/her the best way to report abuse in your local area. Get the brochure and the phone number for the state mandatory reporting hotline and share it with every mandatory reporter you know. Find out the local rape crisis hotline. You may never need this information. But if you do, or if someone else you know does, you will be able to help immediately and effectively.

    It’s not rocket science, as long as you keep your wits about you. Save the panic for the day your kid gets his drivers licence.

    Have you had success/failure/frustration talking to your teen about sexual abuse? I’d love to hear …

     

  • Homework in Kindergarten? NO!

    I’m angry.  I’m upset and I’m frustrated.  And I know I am not alone.

    My disgust has a target: the homework packet that came home with my five-year-old kindergartener on Monday.  The six-page albatross includes writing, math, drawing, story problems, coloring, and a nature walk.

    The whole she-bang is due Friday morning.

    The assignments must be completed throughout the week  — after a full-day of school (8:15 am until 2:45 pm).  The long day itself is physically, mentally and emotionally exhausting for a five- or six-year-old.  My son naps at least a half-hour when he gets home just to make it through the rest of the day.

    When giving her rationale for the homework, my son’s teacher (like teachers at schools across the county) said that such assignments help build life-long habits of independent learning and “get him into the habit” of homework.

    I’m sorry, but she’s dead wrong.

    The developmental requirements of the worksheets now sitting on my dining room table are well above a skill-appropriate level for any five-year-old to complete independently. The assignments require step-by-step, hands-on interpretation, guidance and prodding from a parent.  Every aspect of the homework, from reading the instructions to completing the work must be read out loud and explained by an adult. Otherwise, the child has no idea what to do.

    But the problem only starts there.  There are a myriad of other reasons why the homework is inappropriate:

    • Although I have taught my son to read (using an amazing book), he is not yet reading at a level that allows him to understand the detailed directions on the worksheets,
    • He does not know how to spell.  Therefore, any answers he writes must be dictated to him by me or copied from something that I write first,

    And here’s the kicker:

    • If my kindergartner does not complete his homework, it’s not his fault.  It’s mine. So what is that supposed to teach him? If he fails, it’s mom’s fault? What is the lesson there?  I value the fact that I am teaching my son personal responsibility for his actions.  But with this stupid homework, the school is fostering a “blame game” that will take years to undo.

    Where are the study skills?  Where is the independence?  If you can find them, let me know!

    The amount of worksheets has already created conflict with my son, who would much rather use what he learned in math by counting, sorting and grouping Legos than by cutting out bears and gluing them to sheets of paper at 6:30 at night. The busy-work also cuts into the creative time that my son and I would normally devote to other important areas of his learning, including music, swimming, outdoor creative play and conflict problem solving with this friends … or time simply reading with mom.

    Are there other motives?

    Then I have to ask:  Why so much “reinforcement of learning” in the first place? Is this homework making up for poor classroom management?  Are the children in my son’s class unable to accomplish everything necessary to meet grade level standards within the parameters of the school day?

    I know that the answers to these questions are “No.” So why does my kindergartener have homework at all?

    Big Brother?

    Is this, perhaps, the educational system’s way to force “learning time” in my family in an attempt to tell me how to raise my son?  If that’s the case, then I will immediately return the fundraising materials, the requests for volunteer hours, the pleas to purchase grocery scrip, and all of the other donation envelopes that make their way to my house.  If they think that I am unable to manage my at-home learning time with my five-year-old, then obviously I can’t handle a checkbook or my calendar, either.

    I can’t help but wonder what the next step is in this intrusion. If my son has copious amounts of skill-inappropriate homework and is unable to exercise and play outside, will the school then tell me that my kid is fat and dictate my grocery shopping lists? (It sounds paranoid, but I’ve seen it happen in other schools).

    I’m not the only one who’s mad

    I am by no means bashing my son’s teacher.  She’s a hard-working, vibrant young woman who is effectively teaching a classroom of small children.  I am not bashing the private school where I send my son.  The problem is that both the teacher and the school are following a new trend in homework that has infiltrated public and private education.  With no basis in educational theory or study, and no example of success, schools and teachers are assigning a huge amount of homework because “the other schools are doing it.”  Do a little research on the internet, and you will find scores of parents who are as upset as I am.

    Is that any way to formulate an educational system?

    Homework is not a bad thing – when assigned appropriately

    Do I believe in homework?  You BET I do.   The only reason I survived math and learned spelling words was because of the practice I did at home.  But I was in the third grade and could read the directions on my homework, understand the requirements, and complete the work independently.  If I didn’t do the homework, I understood and suffered the consequences because I was of an appropriate age to comprehend what was required of me.  My son, as a “normal,” healthy, curious five-year-old, cannot do that yet.

    I realize that I will spend my son’s school career helping him with research projects, checking his homework when it is complete, and drilling him on his times tables.  I’ll show him how to use the Internet safely and I’ll be a second set of eyes for his essays.  But not when he’s in kindergarten.  While he is this young, my job is to make sure he plays safely with his friends; is a well-behaved, nice and polite little boy; holds my hand in parking lots; eats lots of fruits and vegetables; and gets at least one story read to him every day (among a million other things).

    Now what?

    I’m in a quandary about all of this.  Do I swallow hard and play along?  Do I cause a stink with a very enthusiastic first-year teacher?  Do I not do the homework with my son and dare the school to fail him?  I will be having a meeting with the teacher and the principal, but I’m waiting for my anger to simmer down.  If you know anything about me, you know that an angry Joelle is a real trouble-maker.

    If anyone has a study that shows that giving me and my five-year-old homework worksheets will make him better at anything, I am open to reading it.

    Perhaps it is time for schools and teachers to look at what is developmentally best for a child.   Forcing me to do my son’s age-inappropriate homework (and then create a situation where he has no responsibility for getting it done) is definitely not that.  Maybe it’s time for parents to stand up and demand age and skill-level appropriate homework — and no homework at all for children before the second grade.  Anyone with me?

    And in case you were wondering: yes, I do have a teaching credential.  It’s expired.  Just like I am.

    In the meantime, my kid will be outside, playing.  Where he should be.

     

  • Four Ways To Protect Your Preschooler

    Read my latest post on Technorati here.

    Being a parent can be downright scary. With a 24-hour news cycle and the media’s love of the scare tactic (“To Catch a Predator,” anyone?), we are constantly bombarded with messages of fear and helplessness when it comes to the safety of our kids.

    When I present to parents and community members about preventing and identifying child sexual abuse (CSA), the number one question I receive is: “What can I do RIGHT NOW to help keep my young child safe?”

    Fortunately, there are tools every parent can use to help preschoolers empower themselves and become less likely targets for predators. While no method is full-proof, every child can benefit from the simple strategies below.

    1) Teach preschoolers the correct names of their body parts.

    When a parent calls a body part by a silly pet name (wee wee, pee pee, etc), that body part’s importance is minimalized. Using the right name allows children to own their body parts, speak about them properly, and draw appropriate boundaries with other kids and adults without shame. Not only does this help protect against abuse, but it also helps on trips to the doctor, playground accidents, and the all-important sex talk in 10 years.

    2) No Secrets

    This is simple: Tell your child that secrets are bad and there is nothing so awful that he or she can’t tell Mommy and Daddy. CSA is a crime of shame and secrecy. If you take away the power of the secret, suddenly the predator has one less tool of manipulation. Don’t forget to differentiate between secrets (which are bad) and surprises (like birthday presents).

    3) Looking and touching

    The bathtub is a good time to teach this lesson. Tell children that no one is to touch their private body parts and they are to never touch anyone else’s. Tell them that no one is to take pictures of them when they have no clothes on. Don’t use a tone of fear in the discussion – If you approach this the same way as you approach the rules of crossing the street or sharing toys, your child will not be scared or threatened.

    4) Do not force your child to hug or kiss anyone

    Children who are forced to hug or kiss adults when they do not want to lose power over their body and personal boundaries. Let your child politely say no. If children learn that their space and body are respected, they are far more likely to understand and appreciate proper boundaries with all adults.

    If you give preschoolers the proper strategies to respect themselves and the bodies, you give them tools they can use the rest of their lives. By opening up communication with your child and taking the power away from secrets, parents can become proactive in protecting their childre in an open, honest way that does not rely upon fear or scare tactics.

    Remember parents: You are not helpless, and your children are their own best defense. 

  • Why Do We Hate Our Girls?

    I have built up a pretty thick skin towards institutional misogyny. Growing up Catholic, I was carefully conditioned to accept my lot: I could never be an altar boy; girls were seductive; boys were smarter; positions of power were always held by men; Eve’s sin is my burden; my rolled uniform skirt is the reason that girls get raped; eyeliner is Satan’s paint, etc., etc., etc.

    Even when it came to abuse, Catholic teachings forced girls to accept the blame if they were molested. The female victims (especially the young teens) were “fallen women” (Think about it – have you ever heard the term “fallen man?”). Honestly, if I have to hear one more person question my motives about my work or tell me that the only reason I didn’t come forward sooner is because I “led the teacher on” and I “wanted it” … it won’t be pretty.

    Institutional misogyny never surprises me. But what always surprises me is when I hear good, non-institutional people speak the subtle language of hatred towards our girls.

    Want some examples?

    “Girls are mean”

    “Boys are so much easier to raise than girls”

    “Girls lie”

    “She wanted it”

    I’m not saying these things aren’t true in many cases.  What I am saying is that the above statements are equally true for both boys and girls.

    Words Matter

    We are quick to talk about how vicious and catty preteen and teenage girls are. We even see it on television (remember Mean Girls, anyone?).  But when we talk about bullying of boys, many parents see it as a necessary rite of passage. Junior high fights, physical threats, and other mischief are seen as the fault of the boy who is the subject of the violence. He’s told to “man-up.” (Another crappy message, but that’s a whole different topic)

    It’s hard to be a girl. Heck, it’s hard to be a kid. We live in a culture where girls’ idols are overly-thin in a world where our girls are heavier than they have ever been before. Our focus on our bodies is not new. We have played with Barbies since the 1950s. We saw Brooke Shields on billboards and partially nude on film when she was barely 12 years old. Girls saw Barbie and Brooke and wanted to look like them. And when they didn’t, the self-hatred set in. This pattern is nothing new.

    I’m not saying that we should throw away our girls’ dolls or force them to turn off the television and the radio. What I am saying is that it’s difficult enough to be a girl without parents and other adults predetermining how girls will act at a certain age. Or giving girls a message so often that they simply fulfill a prophesy by taking a wayward path paved in words.

    Language is a powerful tool. Children hear what we say and aspire or devolve according to our spoken or implied expectations. Girls who are told that “girls are mean, liars, evil, difficult, slutty and/or worthless” – more often than not – become those very things.

    Institutional misogyny is difficult enough for women, let’s not allow our subtle language to become yet another unnecessary burden for our girls to bear.

     

  • A Parenting Revelation: It’s Time To Stop Punishing Tattletales

    Here’s a parenting question: Do you know what we can do right now to empower our kids, help prevent sexual abuse, hinder bullies, put criminals behind bars and foster corporate and organizational transparency?

    The Answer: We have to stop punishing our tattletales.

    A Little Background

    I spend most of my afternoons watching the neighborhood kids play in the common area of our condominium complex. My son is only four years old, and like most four-year-olds, he shouldn’t be allowed to play in an open area without at least one adult there to supervise him. I don’t manage his play or boss him around – I’m just there to make sure he doesn’t try to teach the cat to ride a skateboard or climb the tree with pencil-thin branches. Basically, my job is to monitor.

    Enter: The Tattletale. Every day, at least once, one of the kids (ages 3-12) comes up to me and tattles on my son or one of the other kids: “He called me a name.” “She won’t share.” “He’s crying.” “They were hitting.” The kids tell me because they need my help to solve a problem. It is my job as a parent and an adult to get to the root of the problem, so the kids get back to the business of playing.

    What makes me different from many other parents?  I refuse to punish the messenger.  I simply can’t shame a child for coming to me and reporting wrongdoing. I thank them for trusting me enough to tell me the truth and reporting bad behavior.

    These kids – the tattlers – aren’t lying. They aren’t “setting up” their peers. They just want to play and they don’t want naughty behavior to ruin it. Kids just want their peers to know that everyone needs to be nice, behave in a positive manner, and cooperate. These kids – the tattlers – are setting the bar, and setting it high. And they are being transparent about it.

    It goes against everything I believe to tell a tattler, “Both of you are in trouble:  Little Johnny for hitting and little Sally for telling.”

    Why?  Because when we punish tattletales, we are teaching our children to turn a blind eye to wrongdoing.  We are teaching them that reporting wrongdoing is just as bad as committing the crime.

    In fact, I don’t call it tattling anymore.  I call it “mandatory reporting.”

    Tattling Isn’t Bad

    I have asked a couple of adults I know why they punish their tattletales.  I make sure to stress that the tattletale is telling the truth and just wants to report behavior that is wrong.  Their response: “Because tattling is wrong.  No one likes a tattletale.”

    So the rationale becomes: if you report wrongdoing, no one will like you.

    Is that what we want our kids to take into adulthood?

    In fact, I know firsthand that the opposite is true.  When my son plays with the local “mandatory reporter,” everyone plays nicely because they know that bad behavior will be punished.  There are no secrets and no ultimatums (“Do as I say or I’ll tell”) because if there is bad behavior, someone is going to tell an adult.  Period.  No bargaining allowed.

    Even better, the mandatory reporter in our neighborhood is spunky, funny, popular and nice.  She’s a good, smart, moral kid who can talk easily to children and adults.  Everyone likes her.  Especially me.

    And I don’t think she should be punished for letting me know that I need to intervene. That’s why I am there.  It’s my job to help the kids.

    Transparency Protects Kids

    For those of you who don’t know me, I am an advocate and activist for adults who were sexually abused as children.  In addition, I help train parents and teachers on recognizing sings of abuse, reporting abuse, and raising empowered children who are less likely to be abused.  I am also a victim of childhood sexual abuse, and I can’t sit idly and let what happened to me happen to another child.  A huge part of my job is telling people that we need to raise our children in a world of no secrets.

    Childhood sexual abuse, bullying, and other crimes that plague our children thrive in secrecy. They thrive in a world where kids are scared to talk to an adult.  They thrive in a world where “tattletales” are punished.  Predators thrive because we were programmed as children to believe that tattling is wrong, even though we don’t rationally know why. The sex abuse crisis in the Catholic Church is a perfect example.

    If we tell our kids not to tattle on their peers, how are they able to differentiate one, two or five years later when they learn that a friend is being sexually abused? Or they see a peer beating up another child? Or they know a child who is responsible for cyber-bullying a classmate? Is that tattling, too? How do they know the difference? It’s simple: They don’t.

    Bullies know that they can threaten kids into silence by saying, “You’ll just get in trouble for telling on me.” Remember, a 13- or 14-year-old does not have adult powers of reason. To a child or teen, “telling on” someone– no matter the crime – is tattling.

    Parents may argue, “Well, my kid knows the difference and would tell me.” But I disagree. If you punish your child for tattling on the 5-year-old neighbor kid who hit his friend, you’ve already laid the groundwork. You’ve told your child that turning a blind eye to wrongdoing is more admirable than transparency.  You’re telling your child that if she reports abuse – whether she was a victim or a witness – she will be punished.

    As a part of my job, I give presentations all over the country about protecting kids. Almost every time, a teen or young adult approaches me and says, “I have friends who were abused, but I couldn’t tell anyone, because I didn’t want to tattle.”

    Think it stops there?  Think again. One of the toughest parts of my job is convincing mandatory reporters that they have to report SUSPECTED abuse. Mandatory reporters stay silent because are afraid that they will get punished or that they may get an innocent person into trouble. What I have to stress is that the system of reporting SUSPECTED abuse understands that it’s just SUSPECTED … and they need to report, even if an investigation proves that their suspicions were wrong. I am lucky to get people to report when they witnessed abuse … or when they discover child abuse images (child porn) … or when a child tells them they are being hurt.

    The ramifications of our reticence to report crimes are widespread. Why do you think we have to have “whistleblower protection” laws to make sure that people who report wrongdoing aren’t subject to retaliation?

    Add to that the myriad of problems in politics, unions, clubs, communities, and other organizations/movements/beliefs.  People witness crimes in these arenas all of the time, yet they are scared to report even if they are victimized or witnessed the crime.  Why?  They grew up being taught that it’s wrong to tattle on their friends.

    If you need anymore proof, look at your saving account or the value of your home.  We ended up with a banking scandal because people believed “it was not my place” to report the crimes of their co-workers.  We ended up with widespread mortgage fraud because thousands of people said nothing because they were taught that silence was more admirable than protecting the innocent.

    It’s really not that much of a stretch.