The Worthy Adversary

Category: Parenting

  • We can’t waste this teachable moment: How the teaching of one commandment silenced generations of sex abuse victims and what we can do to change it

    Part One: Young Children and the Sixth Commandment

    It’s the juicy one: Thou shall not commit adultery.

    How do you teach the term adultery to young children? There are two ways:

    • There is a guilt and sin-laden method that shames child victims of abuse into a lifetime of silence and self-loathing. It also silences witnesses and whistleblowers and fosters continued sex abuse and cover-up in the Catholic Church and other faiths, or
    • There is an empowering method that can protect our children from abuse.

    The Problem

    My son is a 7-year-old second grader at a Lutheran school. This week, he came home with this quiz. As you can imagine, I flipped.

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    Sexually Pure? What seven-year-old truly understands?

    Young children do NOT understand what it means to be “sexually pure.” And what about the child who has been sexually abused. According to this worksheet, is that child not pure? Is he dirty or has she sinned in the eyes of God?

    NOTE: Fortunately, my child’s teacher (who is required to teach this worksheet as a part of Luther’s Cathechism) is a smart, wonderful woman who has been around the block . She completely understands the serious problems with this definition. She teaches her classes that boys and girls are made differently and that we respect those differences. The end. But the worksheet is still there. And we need to fix it.

    This problem is not unique to the Lutherans. When I was a first grader in Catholic schools, I was taught that I needed to be sexually pure for my husband and/or for Jesus. In fact, we were encouraged to be like the Virgin Mary in every way possible. If we were not, we were sinful and sullied in the eyes of God. I was six years old. And ultimately confused.

    At that age, I didn’t know what sex was, nor did I understand the meaning of the word “virgin.” But by the sixth grade, I did understand. And by that time, the ideas of sexual purity and sexual shame were deeply engrained in my young mind. Can you imagine how the victim of sexual abuse feels once they understand? That burden of sin, shame and guilt is too much for any child, especially the child who has done nothing wrong and is the victim of a crime.

    It gets worse: a child who believes that he is sinful will blame himself for abuse. A child who thinks she is “sullied” is going to believe that she asked for the abuse and is NOT going to report what happened to her. Peers and potential whistleblowers—who received the same lessons—are more likely to blame the victim for what happened (as happened in my own case).

    BUT WE CAN FIX THIS!

    The Solution

    1. For young children, take any discussion of sex out of the equation. Period. Children do not and should not know what sex or sexual purity are. Any child at this age (under 10) who acts out sexually has more than likely been the victim of abuse or witnessed something entirely age-inappropriate. That child needs immediate help. Sin and sex have nothing to do with it.
    2. Give children an empowering message that can help them stay safer from sexual abuse and help anyone else who has been hurt.

    Here’s an example:

    “We love, protect, and respect our bodies. We also respect and protect the bodies of others. We do not allow anyone to touch our private parts (except in some very special cases) and we do not touch the private parts of anyone else. If someone touches our private parts or we see or hear that a friend has been touched that way, we tell an adult we trust.”

    Blunt? Yes. Shameful and full of innuendo? No. Appropriate for the classroom? It’s far more appropriate than any discussion of sexual purity in a second-grade classroom.

    What’s the worst that could happen? It’s the same as the ideal result: A child will come forward and report abuse.

    I think Jesus is far more concerned with helping the child victim of sexual abuse than he is worried about the sexual purity of a 10-year-old.

    It’s time to change the discussion right now.

    Coming up in Part II

    The discussion of the sixth commandment and older children (including purity rings, the case of Elizabeth Smart, and why female victims of sexual abuse in the Catholic Church seldom come forward and report)

  • My kid has been invited to a slumber party! What do I do?

    The words from panicky parents ring far and wide:

    “I went to slumber parties all of the time and, you know, nothing bad ever happened. But things are so different now!”

    “I’ve never let my child spend a night away from me. But she’s nine now, and all of her friends have slumber parties. I can’t keep saying no.”

    So what do you do? Let’s start at the beginning:

    RELAX – Being upset about it is only going to make your child skittish. There are things you can do to calm your fears and help ensure your child’s safety.

    LOOK AT YOUR CHILD AND YOUR OPTIONS – Is your child enthusiastic about the slumber party? Maybe she isn’t. If your child does not want to go, don’t force him or her. There are also great alternatives – maybe your child can stay for the evening part of the party, but prefers to be picked up at 8 pm. For families with church and sports obligations, that’s a perfectly reasonable option.

    KNOW THE FAMILY – Just because you’ve seen the family at school, sports, or church functions doesn’t mean that you really know how they live. Ask to be invited inside the house. Tell the host parents that you’re “one of those nervous types” and just want to make sure everything is ok. If they care about your child, they will do everything they can to show you around. Besides, you also want to confirm that the family doesn’t have a cat ranch in the back bedroom, that they indeed use indoor plumbing, and/or there is no need for a hoarding intervention.

    TRUST YOUR GUT – Do you like the parents, but don’t have a good feeling about the teenage brother? Does your child like his/her friend, but says that the child’s dad is “creepy?” Do you have a bad feeling about the situation? Then just say no.

    HOST A STARTER PARTY – Have a child or two spend the night at your house. This is especially helpful if you think your child may have trepidation about spending a night away from home. You can also have a starter party at a trusted friend’s house – I was lucky enough to have one in the neighborhood for my son’s first sleepover. If anything went wrong, I was three doors down.

    TALK TO YOUR CHILD – In an ideal world, you will have already empowered your child about boundaries and his body. But now, go a step further: Tell your child that slumber parties are awesome. Remind her to get some sleep, don’t eat too much junk, and never be alone with an adult in the house behind closed doors. Also tell your child to call you if anything goes wrong, if something happens, or if he is scared. Plus, remind your child that he can tell you anything, even if he thinks he has done something bad or wrong.

    MAKE UP FOR THE NOS – If you have to tell your child “no” for a slumber party, let him have a friend overnight at your home. You don’t want your child confusing your prudence with his punishment.

    GET THE DEETS – It’s so easy to forget the little things. Make sure you have the hosts’ phone numbers and address. Make sure they have yours. Tell them if your child has allergies. Tell them that they have permission to dial 911 immediately if there is a serious accident involving your child. Tell them if your child does not know how to swim or if she needs to take medication.

     

    Not every child likes sleepovers (I was one of those kids), but for most elementary-school-age and older kids, slumber parties are an important rite of passage, a great social bonding tool, and tons of fun. With care, your child can thrive in these situations … except for the junk-food-lack-of-sleep-induced tummy ache. You’re on your own with that one.

     

     

  • When children abuse: A preventable tragedy

    A breaking story today has kept my phone ringing off the hook: A southern California third grader has been accused of sexually assaulting a classmate numerous times during the past year. School administrators only found out about it when other students at an after-school program reported what they saw. (Kudos to those kids!)

    Tragic? Yes. Horrifying? Yes.

    Preventable. YES!

    But fear, panic and over-reaction are not how to prevent this kind of abuse.

    Remember: third graders know little to nothing about sex. For the victim in this case, authorities believe that he didn’t report because he didn’t even have the vocabulary to describe what was happening to him.

    So, what do you do?

    You go back to the four ways to protect your preschooler from abuse. Number 3 is the relevant lesson here:

    3) Looking and touching

    The bathtub is a good time to teach this lesson. Tell children that no one is to touch their private body parts and they are to never touch anyone else’s. Tell them that no one is to take pictures of them when they have no clothes on. Don’t use a tone of fear in the discussion – If you approach this the same way as you approach the rules of crossing the street or sharing toys, your child will not be scared or threatened.

    As your children get older, you can tell them that even if what is happening feels good, they need to tell mom or dad right away.

    I just had this discussion with my second grader this afternoon. I asked him what he would do if someone—an adult or another classmate—touched him or wanted my son to touch them. He said he would say “NO!” and go and tell mom.

    When I asked him what he would do if he really liked that person, he hesitated.

    I told him, “If anyone touches your penis or bottom or touches you in any way that makes you feel icky, come and tell mom. It’s not your job to worry about what the other person thinks about you or their feelings. It’s mom’s job to take care of you. And mom will never be mad at you for it. Remember, sometimes even when things feel good, they are still bad and make you feel bad afterward—like eating too much Halloween candy. So just tell mom and let mom solve the problem for you.”

    He nodded, and then asked if he could play outside today. There was no belabored discussion; I didn’t nag (one of my big faults); and I didn’t act in a way that scared him.

    Later he asked me why I brought up the conversation. I told him that I want to help him be strong and safe.

    Is this method 100% fool-proof? No. But it could have empowered the victim in Riverside to tell his parents or teachers about what was happening to him. And it was also possibly the reason that the other students reported.

    By reporting, the other children did two important things: 1) they stopped the abuse so that the victim can get help and care, and 2) they stopped a child who most probably would have become a repeat molester.

    That’s some pretty powerful stuff that we can all take to heart.

     

     

     

  • Notorious former OC priest Michael Harris headed to court on more abuse charges

    A sex abuse and cover-up lawsuit against former priest Msgr. Michael Harris, Mater Dei High School and the Diocese of Orange is slated to go to trial in Orange County Superior Court on June 18.

    Harris, the former principal of Mater Dei and Santa Margarita High Schools, has been smack in the center of the clergy sex abuse scandal in Orange County, with at least nine accusers settling with the Diocese of Orange in 2005, twelve accusers listed by the Archdiocese of Los Angeles, and a record $5.2 million settlement with victim Ryan DiMaria.

    Frankly put: Harris is a menace. We have seen Harris’ psych reports from the most notorious church-run facility for child molesting clerics (information that Msgr John Urell kept secret), and in 2001, Bishop Tod Brown told the Los Angeles Times:

    The Diocese of Orange has grave doubts about [Harris’] innocence in these matters, taking into consideration the number of complaints made against him, the similarity of those complaints and the apparent sincerity of the persons making these statements.

    The attorney for the victim, John Manly (another Mater Dei grad), is just coming off of a huge win in Stockton, where a jury unanimously decided that Fr. Michael Kelly sexually abused former Air Force pilot Travis Trotter. The Diocese of Stockton refused to remove Kelly from ministry during the litigation and spent four years trying to discredit Travis. After the verdict, Kelly skipped to Ireland. The case eventually settled for $3.75 million on the eve of the scheduled testimony of Cardinal Roger Mahony.

    No one knows Mater Dei, Harris and the Diocese of Orange better than Manly and his team do. There’s going to be a whole lot of Diocese dirty laundry aired. Want a great start off for your research? Start here. Since 2003 Gustavo Arellano at the OC Weekly has covered the story better (and longer) than anyone else.

    If you went to Mater Dei or Santa Margarita, sent your kids there, or donated money to the schools, you owe it to yourself to follow the trial. Although Harris is no longer a priest, his ties to the Diocese and Orange County money are strong. He’s only a free man because Mater Dei and Diocese officials didn’t care enough about any of the kids Harris abused to pick up the phone and call the cops. Shame on all of them.

     

    Disclaimers – I was a student at Mater Dei at the tail end of Harris’ tenure there. I had very limited interactions with him. But then again, he had very limited interactions with most girls. John Manly was my attorney in my 2003 case against the Diocese.

  • A Recipe for Child Protection: Add One Part Hero

    No one—I repeat: NO ONE— wants to get in front of television cameras and say that they were sexually abused. But when someone does, and does it in an eloquent, emotional and powerful way, that person changes the world.

    Case in point: Jessica Bohman

    Jessica Prater Bohman, age 6 five


    According to Bohman, her family members, and a lawsuit she just filed in Kern County Superior Court, Jessica was sexually abused by Foursquare Church youth minister Damon Young from when she was approximately 4 until she was 8 years old.  Damon was 14.

    But his young age didn’t stop Damon from admitting to abusing her and other girls at the church. (I hope to post a copy of the police report soon.) According to the lawsuit, he’d brazenly take Jessica out of church day care and molest her while her parents were at church services, even though, according to the lawsuit, Foursquare church officials knew he was acting inappropriately around the young girls. When I saw “inappropriate,” I mean that he would rub his crotch against little girls when adults were around. This is bad stuff. There is no question that the Young should have been immediately pulled out of youth ministry, the police called and the kids helped. But no one picked up the phone to report their suspicions.

    When Jessica had a sex ed class in junior high, she suddenly realized that what happened to her was very, very wrong.

    Jessica and her family came forward and told church officials that Damon had done things far more heinous to the girl than “crotch rubbing.” What did Foursquare do? Buried it and silenced Jessica. Foursquare officials didn’t report (as required by law) and conned the family into thinking that the right thing to do would be to put the girl in church counseling. Foursquare didn’t report Young after he admitted that he abused Jessica and other girls. The Foursquare church STILL hasn’t reported. Instead, just let him keep working with kids, and manipulated the Prater family into thinking that the church was doing everything properly.

    We’ve seen this before. Why? People want to believe that the leaders of the church where they worship God, baptize their children, marry their spouses, bless the dying, feed the poor and bury the dead are doing the right thing. We delude ourselves when we superimpose God-like morality to humans. (Just look at the recent, non-sex-abuse news out of the Catholic church for the latest in “delusions of morality.”) No one wants to think that their beloved priest, minister, deacon, reverend or bishop is the kind of person loves and protects child molesters over kids. It’s the classic “What would Jesus do?” moment in Bizzaro World.

    But Jessica did something that very few victims do. She came forward, used her name, and spoke publicly about the abuse. Her reasoning: there are other victims out there who CAN put Young behind bars. She wants them to know that it is safe and RIGHT to come forward. I can’t recall the last time I have seen such elegance and eloquence from a victim who is—at 29—still so young.

    Want to continue the discussion? Comment below or follow #FoursquareChurch