The Worthy Adversary

Category: Parenting

  • A bishop’s “epic fail” is a lesson to all of us: How to report abuse

    St. Louis Archbishop Robert Carlson has a lesson for all of us, and I don’t think it’s the lesson he intended.

    The situation: When asked by victims’ attorney Jeff Anderson in a recent deposition if he knew in the 1984 that child sex abuse was a crime, Carlson responded, “I’m not sure if I did or I didn’t.” The result: he didn’t report. Countless children were put at risk and many others were abused because he couldn’t pick up the phone and call the police.

    Which leads to the following question: Do YOU know how to report suspected or witnessed abuse?

    I am going to go into much greater detail on this subject in my upcoming book, but I feel that it’s necessary to post and repost this information as much as possible.

    First, some assumptions: I consider everyone a mandatory reporter. Child sex abuse is a crime with lasting consequences. There is a victim and an alleged criminal. If you see or suspect abuse, it’s an adult’s civic and moral obligation to report.

    If you are a mandatory reporter in the eyes of the law, your employer should provide you specific training on your reporting procedures. If you have not had that training in the past year, demand that your employer provide it to all mandatory reporters at your work.

    How to report child sexual abuse

    If you are a victim or witness abuse:

    1) If you are a victim of sexual assault, call 911. If it is not an emergency requiring immediate medical care, call your local police department and ask to speak to someone who can take a report of the sexual assault of a(n) child/adult. If you feel that it’s necessary to call 911, do it.

    2) If you see sexual abuse taking place, call 911. Treat the crime like a robbery, car accident or shooting. It’s a crime that needs immediate attention.

    NOTE: Do not rely on your institution (whether it be a church, school, university, community group, or your boss) to do the reporting for you. If you witnessed a shooting, you would call the cops, not your supervisor. Child sex abuse is the same. Plus, we have seen time and time again that institutions (especially churches and universities) are NOT in the abuse investigation business. Internal investigations do not protect victims and do not protect the rights of the accused. 

    If you suspect child sex abuse:

    1) Call the ChildHelpUSA national child abuse reporting hotline at 1-800-4ACHILD. They also have a website that is well worth your review now, before you encounter a situation where you need immediate answers. When you call the hotline, a trained crisis operation will talk to you about what you saw, what you suspect, and the next steps you should take. They will carefully walk you through the entire process.

    2) Call the specific agency in your state that handles the investigation of child sex crimes. You can read a list of them here. I suggest going over them now, before you are in a situation where you need to report.

    3) If you suspect that a child who is not your child is being abused and the parents are not the suspected abusers, talk to the parents. If you think that the parents will not take action and the child is in danger, call ChildHelpUSA. They will help you assess your suspicions and alert you of the next steps you should take.

    NOTE: You are not an investigator and you do not need to have “proof” of the abuse to report. That is the job of the police. Report your suspicions and let law enforcement do its job.

    Some red flags:

    1) Your employer says that you should report suspected abuse to them before calling the police or ChildHelp. (Think of it this way – if there was a shooting going on, you would call 911 without getting your supervisor on the phone, right?)

    2) If an employer or institution says that they “need to investigate this internally” before calling ChildHelp, the police, or social services.

    My take? Report anyway.

    And if you’re scared or reticent of “making a mistake” by reporting:

    Organizations like ChildHelp were founded to help people correctly report crimes. They also can tell a concerned adult when there is no crime to report.

    Now what?

    Most of us will never be in a situation where we need to report. But we will encounter people who need our help. Learn what sexual behaviors in children are healthy and which ones need direct attention. Learn the signs of abuse. Learn the signs of sexual grooming.

    Most importantly: Talk to your kids. Chances are they will listen.

  • When a child is abused … by another child

    I have written on this subject before. But today’s story out of Sacramento is more tragic and upsetting.

    The mother of an eight-year-old sodomy victim has filed a lawsuit against the mobile home park where the crime happened in 2013. She charges that the management of Sacramento’s Park Royal Estates Mobile Home Park knew that a 15-year-old boy was raping and terrorizing resident children in key-access, monitored, and “secured” areas of the park. But instead of calling the cops and reporting their suspicions, staffers kept quiet.

    Fortunately, the boy immediately reported to his mother, who called the police. The 15-year-old is now in jail. He has allegedly raped at least one other child in the park.

    Why wouldn’t park staffers report what they knew or suspected? Maybe it was fear of the 15-year-old. Maybe it was fear of his parents. Perhaps staffers feared that parents would pick up their children and move out of the park if they knew what was happening. Maybe they just though it was “child’s play.” Whatever the rationale, it was wrong. It’s a cover-up as tragic as the clergy sex abuse crisis … especially since, like clerics who offend and are moved around, juveniles who offend get a “free pass” and no help to actually stop the behavior.

    But I am not here to talk about the legal aspects of this case. For this discussion, legal liability is irrelevant. I want to talk about the teen who abused.

    The sexual abuse of a child is horrific enough, but when the abuser is a minor, the consequences are far more tragic than what most people realize.

    Crimes by juveniles are some of the least likely to be reported, no matter how violent or traumatic they are to the victim.

    Why?

    • Parents of the perpetrator are likely to minimize the severity of the crime or deny the crime,
    • The perpetrator is likely the victim of a crime and/or suffering from extreme mental illness with no access to care,
    • The victim and the perpetrator are peers, in a sense. The terror of the abuse infiltrates a child’s social circles and peer groups,
    • The perpetrator is more likely to come from a violent home or the “system,” where intervention is difficult,
    • Parents of the victim are less likely to believe that a child can commit such a horrible crime,
    • Many adults believe that a child can easily fight off another child,
    • The crimes are often wrongly attributed to children’s sexual exploration or “child’s play,”
    • Other adults tend to romanticize their own childhoods, and can find it difficult to realize the severity of the abuse.

    So now, we have a victim who is totally terrorized, alienated from his/her peers, afraid to report, or not believed.

    But let’s say that the child DOES report, as in this case. Then we have a whole new tragedy.

    • The juvenile justice system is not equipped to treat sex offending children—mostly because society barely understands the problem,
    • The perpetrator receives little, if any, therapeutic help for his/her criminal behavior or the mental illness that caused the behavior,
    • If the juvenile is convicted, his/her record is sealed and his/her name does not appear on any registries,
    • If the minor offends again as a minor or an adult, it is difficult—if not impossible—for the victim to get access to the perpetrator’s history.

    I have worked with dozens of victims who have been abused by older siblings, baby sitters, camp counselors, neighborhood kids or teens at church of school. Their story is the same: they are more disenfranchised than many other victims of abuse. As they grow into adulthood, they find it difficult to get help or to reach out to friends and family, who simply can’t understand the severity of the crime.

    So now what do we do?

    • Talk to your kids about bullies and other children who threaten, hurt or terrorize other children,
    • Keep your eye out—does your child try to hide from other children out of fear, or does he make excuses to stay inside when he used to love to be with other kids?
    • Never push your child to play with kids that your child fears,
    • Listen to your child when they talk about the social dynamics of their peer group,
    • Don’t assume that girls are incapable of abuse,
    • Watch you child at play. Sometimes, abuse can happen right under your nose.

    Most importantly: report when you suspect a crime. The ChildHelp hotline is staffed 24/7 with crisis counselors and offers “crisis intervention, information, literature, and referrals to thousands of emergency, social service, and support resources. All calls are anonymous and confidential.” 

     

     

  • No secrets: It’s easy for kids to keep promises … for the wrong people

    One of the most important things I teach parents about empowering children against abuse is: “no secrets.”

    Yesterday I was reminded about how important it is to REINFORCE this lesson as children get older. Although the following story does not involve abuse, it shows how easy it is for a child to keep a secret with a “trusted adult” … even if the adult is wrong or should not be trusted.

    secrets

     

    The Story

    Family X is a local family who has a daughter with a chronic illness. If Daughter X is exposed to sick kids, her likelihood of infection is exponentially higher than other children’s. If infected, a simple cold or flu could kill her. A vomiting illness could land Daughter X in the hospital. The result? Family X is vigilant. Daughter X wears a mask in public, and they ask people whom they encounter to let them know if they or their children are sick.

    Last weekend, Family X had a small family gathering to celebrate an important milestone. At the party, Cousin X began throwing up in the bathroom. Family X’s 11-year-old son, who is not ill, was there. When Aunt X found out, she told Son X, “Please don’t tell anyone, especially your mother. I don’t want to ruin the party.”

    So, not wanting to disobey or upset his beloved aunt, Son X kept quiet. Until he began vomiting the next day.

    When Mother X was taking care of the-now-terribly-ill Son X, she asked him, “Did you know of anyone who was sick?”

    Barfing and needing his mother’s care, Son X told her the secret.

    Mother X was rightfully upset. Now, Son X was suffering and Daughter X was at severe risk. Had the aunt simply told Son X to wash his hands and tell his mother about the situation, Family X could have taken the necessary precautions, including making sure that all surfaces were clean and the sick cousin was quarantined (which should have happened anyway). But Aunt X decided to make that call and swear a child to secrecy. Now, everyone was at risk.

    But what was also upsetting was the ease with which Son X kept his aunt’s secret. Although Son X is a child, he knew that by keeping the secret, there was a huge risk. But he loves and trusts his aunt. He truly believes that such an aunt would never do anything to put him or Family X in harm’s way.

    See where I am going here?

    This is why children usually don’t report sexual abuse.

    Because the abuser is a loved and trusted adult—whether a family member, scout leader, minister, neighbor, or camp counselor—he or she can easily tell the child, “Don’t tell anyone.” And the child will obey. The more loved and trusted the adult is, the more likely the child is to keep the secret. And if a child has been groomed over a period of weeks or months, he or she is even less likely to tell.

    So, now what do you do?

    — Reinforce the “no secrets” rule (make sure to differentiate between “secrets” and “surprises.” Secrets are never told. Surprises are things like parties and presents).

    — Give your child a situation and ask the what he or she would do. For example, you could say, “What if Mrs. Cooper showed you something and made you promise to never tell. What would you do?” Depending on the child’s answer, you can say that he or she should never keep an adult’s secret.

    You can go on and say that adults should never have secrets with kids. Always tell mom/dad anytime an adult—no matter how much the child loves the adult—wants to have a special secret. Even if it’s something as simple as a extra snack. Or a barfing cousin.

    Don’t wait until it’s too late.

    Note:

    Kids sharing secrets amongst themselves is an issue for a later post.

  • Need more proof that colleges can’t investigate sex abuse?

    A little backwater college in Michigan will give you all the proof you need.

    You would think that in the middle of a national scandal surrounding sexual assaults on campus that colleges would take the time to remove faculty members who are convicted or admitted child sex offenders.

    But not Michigan’s Adrian College. Little do the parents of Adrian students know that their $40,000 annual tuition includes the salary of an admitted child molester.

    Adrian: Where $40K/year gets you one-on-one time with an admitted child sex offender.
    Adrian: Where $40K/year gets you one-on-one time with an admitted child sex offender.

    In 2003, music professor Thomas Hodgman was sued in California for child sex abuse. At the time of the alleged abuse, Hodgman was a high school teacher in Southern California. When one of his victims alerted Adrian officials of her lawsuit, the school conducted an “investigation.” Hodgman denied the allegations, calling them “bogus.” The victim was never interviewed. Then, the victim went a step further and met with then-College President Stanley Caine, imploring him to at least remove Hodgman until the case was resolved.

    He said no.

    In 2005, the sex abuse case against Hodgman settled for $1.6 million. Documents released as a part of the settlement showed that Hodgman admitted to sexually molesting a number of his high school students, including the victim who sued him.

    The victim took the documents to Adrian College. The school decided to let Hodgman keep his job.

    Fast forward nine years. The victim in the case, despite what Adrian College officials did to her, has gone on to have an award-winning career as an advocate for child victims of sexual abuse. But she has never been able to get Hodgman removed from his job.

    This week, the Survivors Network of those Abused by Priests is writing the US Department of Education. They believe that Adrian—by keeping Hodgman on the job and not alerting parents and students—may be in violation of the Clery Act and Title IX.

    I hope the U.S. Department of Education takes a long, hard look at Adrian College. I hope that a lot of people rightfully lose their jobs. I hope that Adrian loses access to federal financial aid.

    Why? Because I am the victim who has been working for ten years for justice. I can’t put this particular fight aside any longer – for myself, for the other girls Hodgman admitted molesting and for the girls who are put at risk every day.

    ****

    Read about Joelle’s recent honors by SHARE! and the City of Los Angeles here.

     

  • Think that parents don’t want a “toolkit” book to prevent abuse? Think again

    Last month, I received a very lovely rejection letter from a well-respected New York agent who had asked to review the entire proposal for THE WELL-ARMORED CHILD.

    She liked the book, loved the writing, but told me that she just didn’t think the market for the book was “robust” enough.

    A story yesterday on CNN.com shows just how wrong that assumption is.

    CNN’s Kelly Wallace attended a PTA meeting at her child’s school. The presenter, Jill Starishevsky, a New York City assistant district attorney in the child abuse and sex crimes bureau and author of the book “My Body Belongs to Me,” spoke to parents about why it’s so important to discuss sexual abuse with their children.

    Starishevsky’s book is child-focused, using poems and stories to safely and easily show children how to empower their bodies.

    Wallace was blown away. Not only by the material, but how and why parents are scared and confused about when and how to talk to their children about sexual abuse.

    If parents of young children are craving this information, parents of ALL children need it. That’s why THE WELL-ARMORED CHILD is a MUST READ for any parent of caregiver. There’s a market, but they have been too scared to raise their hands publicly. But not anymore.

    You can read more about THE WELL-ARMORED CHILD here.