The Worthy Adversary

Category: Child safety

  • What about the wives?

    Yesterday’s big settlement announcement raised a question for me: What about the wives?

    One of the perpetrators who was a part of the settlement, Michael Nocita, has now been sued by four different women for sexual abuse. He was removed from ministry and laicized. The Archdiocese has paid out big money to his victims.

    It’s also been reported that he is married.

    Michael Nocita: Four victims, one wife
    Michael Nocita: Four victims, one wife

    Anton Smario, a former brother who admitted that he was often nude in front of young girls in the Native Alaskan villages where he taught religion classes, remained married after he was exposed in lawsuits and admitted his actions.

    Thomas Hodgman—the man who admitted to abusing me and at least two other girls—is married with children. He also still hangs out on busses with girls (albeit not minor girls. This time).

    I can’t help but wonder: What do the wives think? Do they not take their husband’s crimes seriously because the victims were girls?

    “Straw men” would say that these women may believe that they are married “for better or for worse.” I tend to think that even the Pope would bless the divorce of any woman who discovered she was married to a child molester.

    But there are other things to think about: if these women have children, how can they—in good conscience—allow those children to have friends over to the house? How can they be sure that their husbands are not still abusing?

    It makes the prevention imperative even more important.

     

  • Prevent abuse: Go with your gut

    A big question I get from parents is: How can I keep my child safe?

    While I have a book on the subject coming out soon, there is one thing we can all do right now to make our kids safer:

    Go with your gut.

    If you are in a situation and things seem odd, they probably are. If you have to be talked into taking yourself or your child places that make you feel “hinky” or uncomfortable, go with that gut feeling that tells you to stay away. Never rationalize yourself or your child into danger.

    As the commercials say: Most of your immune system lives in your gut. When it tries to tell you something, listen.

    Maybe it’s trying to protect you from more than germs.

  • The victims’ movement doesn’t discriminate

    Bishops are very quick divert attention from their role in the cover-up of sex abuse by pointing fingers at public schools, where there is another, very real child sex abuse crisis.

    But why haven’t the bishops helped to publicly fund or support any legislation that helps victims in public schools? Why haven’t they spoken out against the unions, who have put millions of dollars into defeating legislation that would protect children in public schools?

    And why do they try and divide the victims’ movement by pitting survivors against each other?

    It’s simple: they don’t care about stopping abuse. It’s just lip service. They only care about silencing victims—all victims, no matter the abuser. The bishops will do everything to keep the lid on sex abuse in public schools, because once you start peeling the layers of the onion …

     

     

     

     

  • You read Dylan Farrow’s letter. Now what?

    Every once in a while, I catch myself wondering why the child sex abuse awareness movement (especially in the Catholic Church) has never elicited support from Hollywood A-listers.

    Yesterday, Dylan Farrow gave us a painful and personal reminder.

    Her immensely brave open letter in the New York Times is raw. She openly accuses Woody Allen and gives details of the abuse. But she goes a step further, naming the Hollywood A-Listers who continue to support Allen.

    (Although Allen has not been found guilty in a court of law, he has been accused of abuse by one of his children, and went on to marry his step-daughter.)

    The sense of betrayal that Farrow expresses is a universal theme for victims of child sexual abuse. The crime of abuse is horrific enough for a child, but when adults whom the child loves and respects side with the abuser, it is devastating. It drives the victim into a world of shame and silence. I know that feeling first hand.

    I also know another feeling that Farrow describes—the sheer disgust as she watches Hollywood elites fawn over Allen, his movies and his continued award nominations. No one in Hollywood will publicly stand up for Farrow, just like no one in Hollywood stood up for the victim of Roman Polanski. Just like no one at Adrian College will stand up for me and the other victims of Thomas Hodgman.

    So, now do we do?

    We have a call to action—We need to change how we deal with victims of sexual abuse.

    1) If you know victims of abuse (and you do), tell them that you love and support them. Tell them you believe them.

    2) If you can help a victim report to the police, do it.

    3) Open up communication with your children and family members about abuse. Don’t shroud discussions of sex or abuse with shame.

    4) Write your legislators about changing laws dealing with child sex crimes. Three bills in California (two dealing with statutes of limitation and another dealing with training reporters) need support.

    5) Don’t give your money or allegiance to organizations who engage in legal battles with victims in order to hide abuse and cover-up. The Archdiocese of Los Angeles spent millions trying to keep their crimes secret. So did the Archdiocese of Chicago and the Diocese of Orange. Publicly admonish those who covered up abuse.

    6) Don’t go to Woody Allen movies. Go a step further and don’t support any actor or studio affiliated with Allen.

    7) Raise children who are well-armored against abuse. My upcoming book can help you get started. The proposal is done and we are currently looking for an agent/publisher. If you want more information or know a contact who would be interested, email me.

     

     

     

     

  • Women abuse, too, part 2 —The predator mindset

    Child molester Mary Kay LeTourneau is back in the news, but not for what you would think:

    Letourneau, 51, was arrested on suspicion of driving with a suspended license and booked into King County Jail. A year ago, she’d been cited for driving with a suspended license after failing to pay her tickets. She didn’t show up at a “relicensing program” or a court hearing, so a warrant was issued for her arrest.

    But this is far more than a story about a woman who “forgot” to pay her parking tickets.

    LeTourneau, as I prefer to remember her
    LeTourneau, as I prefer to remember her

    When it comes to men and women who sexually abuse children, the predators’ physical anatomies may be different, but their mindsets are very much the same. Child sex abusers are men and women who blur boundaries—sexual, physical, emotional and legal. As they hone their skills over years of grooming and abusing children, predators begin to think that they are above the law in all areas. This is why we see cases of abusive priests who steal from the collection basket, Protestant predators who work as police chaplains, or celebrity molesters who use their power and influence to thwart law enforcement.

    LeTourneau is no different. Although she was arrested and went to jail, she essentially got away with child sex crimes. Fualaau, now married to his abuser, has never been interviewed without the woman who began preying on him when he was in the sixth grade. We may never learn the full extent of the damage LeTourneau did to the 12-year-old boy from a troubled home.

    But we do know this: she, like many others who molest children, thinks that she is simply above the law. If the parking tickers were just a matter of money (she is an unemployable registered sex offender and Fualaau is a high school dropout who works part time as a DJ), she would have stopped parking in zones where she would be ticketed. If it were a matter of simple neglect, she would have gone to her court hearing and asked for help. But she didn’t.

    She instead displayed typical child sex predator behavior: she simply believes that the laws do not apply to her.