The Worthy Adversary

Category: Child safety

  • My kid has been invited to a slumber party! What do I do?

    The words from panicky parents ring far and wide:

    “I went to slumber parties all of the time and, you know, nothing bad ever happened. But things are so different now!”

    “I’ve never let my child spend a night away from me. But she’s nine now, and all of her friends have slumber parties. I can’t keep saying no.”

    So what do you do? Let’s start at the beginning:

    RELAX – Being upset about it is only going to make your child skittish. There are things you can do to calm your fears and help ensure your child’s safety.

    LOOK AT YOUR CHILD AND YOUR OPTIONS – Is your child enthusiastic about the slumber party? Maybe she isn’t. If your child does not want to go, don’t force him or her. There are also great alternatives – maybe your child can stay for the evening part of the party, but prefers to be picked up at 8 pm. For families with church and sports obligations, that’s a perfectly reasonable option.

    KNOW THE FAMILY – Just because you’ve seen the family at school, sports, or church functions doesn’t mean that you really know how they live. Ask to be invited inside the house. Tell the host parents that you’re “one of those nervous types” and just want to make sure everything is ok. If they care about your child, they will do everything they can to show you around. Besides, you also want to confirm that the family doesn’t have a cat ranch in the back bedroom, that they indeed use indoor plumbing, and/or there is no need for a hoarding intervention.

    TRUST YOUR GUT – Do you like the parents, but don’t have a good feeling about the teenage brother? Does your child like his/her friend, but says that the child’s dad is “creepy?” Do you have a bad feeling about the situation? Then just say no.

    HOST A STARTER PARTY – Have a child or two spend the night at your house. This is especially helpful if you think your child may have trepidation about spending a night away from home. You can also have a starter party at a trusted friend’s house – I was lucky enough to have one in the neighborhood for my son’s first sleepover. If anything went wrong, I was three doors down.

    TALK TO YOUR CHILD – In an ideal world, you will have already empowered your child about boundaries and his body. But now, go a step further: Tell your child that slumber parties are awesome. Remind her to get some sleep, don’t eat too much junk, and never be alone with an adult in the house behind closed doors. Also tell your child to call you if anything goes wrong, if something happens, or if he is scared. Plus, remind your child that he can tell you anything, even if he thinks he has done something bad or wrong.

    MAKE UP FOR THE NOS – If you have to tell your child “no” for a slumber party, let him have a friend overnight at your home. You don’t want your child confusing your prudence with his punishment.

    GET THE DEETS – It’s so easy to forget the little things. Make sure you have the hosts’ phone numbers and address. Make sure they have yours. Tell them if your child has allergies. Tell them that they have permission to dial 911 immediately if there is a serious accident involving your child. Tell them if your child does not know how to swim or if she needs to take medication.

     

    Not every child likes sleepovers (I was one of those kids), but for most elementary-school-age and older kids, slumber parties are an important rite of passage, a great social bonding tool, and tons of fun. With care, your child can thrive in these situations … except for the junk-food-lack-of-sleep-induced tummy ache. You’re on your own with that one.

     

     

  • When children abuse: A preventable tragedy

    A breaking story today has kept my phone ringing off the hook: A southern California third grader has been accused of sexually assaulting a classmate numerous times during the past year. School administrators only found out about it when other students at an after-school program reported what they saw. (Kudos to those kids!)

    Tragic? Yes. Horrifying? Yes.

    Preventable. YES!

    But fear, panic and over-reaction are not how to prevent this kind of abuse.

    Remember: third graders know little to nothing about sex. For the victim in this case, authorities believe that he didn’t report because he didn’t even have the vocabulary to describe what was happening to him.

    So, what do you do?

    You go back to the four ways to protect your preschooler from abuse. Number 3 is the relevant lesson here:

    3) Looking and touching

    The bathtub is a good time to teach this lesson. Tell children that no one is to touch their private body parts and they are to never touch anyone else’s. Tell them that no one is to take pictures of them when they have no clothes on. Don’t use a tone of fear in the discussion – If you approach this the same way as you approach the rules of crossing the street or sharing toys, your child will not be scared or threatened.

    As your children get older, you can tell them that even if what is happening feels good, they need to tell mom or dad right away.

    I just had this discussion with my second grader this afternoon. I asked him what he would do if someone—an adult or another classmate—touched him or wanted my son to touch them. He said he would say “NO!” and go and tell mom.

    When I asked him what he would do if he really liked that person, he hesitated.

    I told him, “If anyone touches your penis or bottom or touches you in any way that makes you feel icky, come and tell mom. It’s not your job to worry about what the other person thinks about you or their feelings. It’s mom’s job to take care of you. And mom will never be mad at you for it. Remember, sometimes even when things feel good, they are still bad and make you feel bad afterward—like eating too much Halloween candy. So just tell mom and let mom solve the problem for you.”

    He nodded, and then asked if he could play outside today. There was no belabored discussion; I didn’t nag (one of my big faults); and I didn’t act in a way that scared him.

    Later he asked me why I brought up the conversation. I told him that I want to help him be strong and safe.

    Is this method 100% fool-proof? No. But it could have empowered the victim in Riverside to tell his parents or teachers about what was happening to him. And it was also possibly the reason that the other students reported.

    By reporting, the other children did two important things: 1) they stopped the abuse so that the victim can get help and care, and 2) they stopped a child who most probably would have become a repeat molester.

    That’s some pretty powerful stuff that we can all take to heart.

     

     

     

  • In crisis, Francis fails

    One of the chapters of my upcoming book deals with what I call Institutional Rot, that is, why “good” people do and say bad things in the name of the institution and how children are caught in the crossfire. For an institutional culture to have this kind of crisis, the direction—or I should say, misdirection—has to come from the top.

    For the sake of comparison, let’s look at a hypothetical:

    Auto Company X is the leading automaker in the United States. For more than 100 years, Company X’s cars have been a part of American’s lives and a well-loved and trusted brand. But civil lawsuits filed by victims have unearthed the fact that Company X has knowingly been making and selling defective cars that veer off the road and kill people.

    Hundreds of victims sue the company. In the process of the litigation, it’s discovered that many of the corporate officers knew about the defects and did nothing. Instead of being fired, the executives are allowed to keep their jobs.

    The news gets worse and worse. In some areas of the country, anywhere from one in ten to one in 20 cars were killing people. While many of the cars were taken off the road, the company refuses to disclose how many cars still on the road have the potential to kill. In some cases, Company X took their emblems off of certain killer cars and now claims that they are no longer responsible for what those cars do.

    Although the lawsuits continue and one executive was convicted, the company insists the crisis is over. The convicted executive, who covered up for the defects and allowed killer cars to stay on the road, keeps his cushy job.

    In an interview, a newly-promoted president of the company says, “The crisis is over.” Despite the tens of thousands of people who were injured or killed by his cars, he says that “drunk drivers kill far more people than Company X’s cars.” He goes on to say that no one has looked into auto accidents more than Company X and that they are being “unfairly targeted.” In fact, he calls his predecessor, who knew about the defective cars for decades, a “true reformer.”

    All the while, victims of defective cars are still coming forward and executives are still fighting in the courts to make sure that the public never knows how many defective cars are or were on the road.

    We’d never tolerate that from an auto company. Why do we tolerate it from a religious leader?

    A perfect example? Pope Francis’ interview today with Italian daily Corriere della Serra.

    From the translated text:

    Corriere della Serra: The scandals that rocked the life of the Church are fortunately in the past. A public appeal was made to you, on the delicate theme of the abuse of minors, published by (the Italian newspaper) Il Foglio and signed by Besancon and Scruton, among others, that you would raise your voice and make it heard against the fanaticisms and the bad conscience of the secularized world that hardly respects infancy.

    Pope Francis: I want to say two things. The cases of abuses are terrible because they leave extremely deep wounds. Benedict XVI was very courageous and he cleared a path. The Church has done so much on this path. Perhaps more than anyone. The statistics on the phenomenon of the violence against children are shocking, but they also show clearly that the great majority of abuses take place in the family environment and around it. The Catholic Church is perhaps the only public institution to have acted with transparency and responsibility. No other has done more. And, the Church is the only one to be attacked.

    Here’s the problem: Francis is not addressing the problem. In business ethics circles, this kind of response (or lack thereof) is called “Organizational Failure.” What’s organizational failure? It’s when, in a crisis, an organization’s leader does not take responsibility, does not show contrition, does not display true action to ensure it never happens again, and does nothing to rebuild trust or punish wrong-doers.

    Pope_Francis_greets_the_crowd_at_Castel_Gandolfo_before_the_Sunday_Angelus_on_July_14_2013_Credit_Lauren_Cater_CNA_CNA_Catholic_News_7_15_13

    Instead, Francis says the problem is over, does not apologize, does not talk about Bishops who are law-breakers right now, does not try to make amends, deflects blame, and plays the victim. And unfortunately for many Catholics and apologists, that’s okay.

    It should never be okay.

     

     

  • Predators, Alcohol and Teens … a deadly combination

     

    The sexual abuse of teens by powerful adults (teachers, coaches, priests, family members) is a trauma double whammy: teens damaged by the abuse AND they are often blamed for the abuse by community members who say that the teen wanted it, was a slut, or should have known better.

    What these people don’t understand—but predators do—are the intricacies of a teenager’s brain.

    I’m not talking about hormones here. I’m talking about the physical, mental and emotional maturation of the white matter between a kid’s ears.

    In his book Brainstorm, Daniel J. Siegel talks about why teenagers act the way they do. Without getting into the meat of the book (which is a must read for teens and parents), there was one specific point he made (among many) that shows why predators who target teens are far more likely to use alcohol to groom their victims.

    According to Siegel’s studies, the teenage brain is subject to much greater dopamine releases than either children or adults. That is, they get much greater pleasure and a much bigger “rush” from alcohol, drugs, or dangerous behavior (sex, fast driving, BMX racing, etc.). So the euphoria a teen feels after drinking is much more intense than what an adult feels. Therefore, it’s harder to resist … or stop.

    Siegel takes it a step further. In the studies he cites, teens are also far more susceptible to addiction, because their brains’ “pleasure receptacles” haven’t developed enough to help the brain engage in self-control.

    Put those together with a powerful and influential adult, and you have trouble. Predators who target teens know: a) teens are more likely to accept alcohol, b) they are more likely to drink to intoxication and addiction, c) they get a rush from the excitement of breaking the rules and feel “adult,” d) they know it’s wrong and are unlikely to tell a parent if something happens to them while they are drunk (especially if the teen is a boy who was abused by a man), and most importantly,

    e) the teen is likely to be blamed for the abuse (“You were drunk! What did you THINK would happen?”).

    How do you prevent this from happening you your teen? It’s easy: TALK ABOUT IT. Be blunt. Show them what you have read and ask them what they think about it. Ask them what they have seen. Ask their opinion … and value it. Tell your teen that if an adult tries to give them alcohol “in secret,” (it’s illegal, and) that adult has serious issues and must be reported. Tell your teen that if something like that happens, they can tell you safely. Tell your teen that if they know of something that has happened or if something happened to them, they shouldn’t be scared or ashamed.

    Come to your teen from a place of conversation, not one of lecturing or shaming. Don’t talk about “your time” as a teen—ask them about theirs. It may take a couple of days of innocent questions, but if they think you are really interested in what they have to say, they will come around. And don’t be embarrassed or discouraged.

    There is a lot more to talk to you teen about when it comes to alcohol … but this is a good start.

    And starting the conversation is the first and most important part, right?

    I’ll cover this and other issues with teens far more in-depth … but you’ll have to buy the upcoming book.

     

     

  • Safe environment programs: Safe for predators, not so much for kids

    It’s like having a public swimming pool without a life preserver …

    A story out of St. Paul, MN, is a latest example of why so-called “Safe Environment” programs create a false sense of security and may even protect child predators.

    The predator in this case was Rev. Curtis Wehmeyer, a now-convicted child offender who is currently serving a five-year prison sentence for abusing the children of a parish employee. The victims have now filed civil suits, exposing that Archdiocese of St. Paul and Minneapolis church officials actually knew soon after Wehmeyer’s ordination in 2001 that he was a threat to kids. They cite police reports from 2004 and 2008 involving Wehmeyer and boys.

    The mother of the boys has pursued the civil suit because church knew Wehmeyer was a risk and did nothing, both boys are in intensive (and expensive) counseling, and the parish where she is working has cut her hours.

    But here’s the clincher:

    From the Minneapolis Star-Tribune:

    The mother said part of her job at Blessed Sacrament was to administer the parish’s Protection of Children and Youth Initiative, including doing background checks on volunteers. She said she allowed her boys to go camping with Wehmeyer and hang out with him because she hoped at least one of them would take an interest in becoming a priest. (emphasis mine)

    As would be expected, the Archdiocese is fighting back, saying that the abuse was all the fault of the mother. They say that she should have done more to protect the boys from the priest.

    Before everyone piles on about how the mother “should have known better,” we need to look at the reality of child sex abuse in institutions:

     

    • Her Archbishop (her “spiritual father”) told her that her boys were safe,
    • Her Archbishop told her there were no predators in ministry,
    • Her Archbishop was also her boss, and
    • She administered the safety program and assumed that Wehmeyer had never been arrested or suspected of abuse.

    And then there is this reality: Most predators are never arrested, never caught, and, therefore, never in fingerprint databases.

    The Protection of Children and Youth Initiative and other programs like it are a good FIRST step. But in this case, they are nothing more than a safety net for predators. Parents must not fall into a malaise of implied protection.

    What should parents do? Well, the first things are education, using your gut, and being vigilant. A healthy distrust of the “safety” of institutions is another good step.

    As Instapundit and law professor Glenn Reynolds often says: Someone should write a book about that.