Category: armored child

  • Think that parents don’t want a “toolkit” book to prevent abuse? Think again

    Last month, I received a very lovely rejection letter from a well-respected New York agent who had asked to review the entire proposal for THE WELL-ARMORED CHILD.

    She liked the book, loved the writing, but told me that she just didn’t think the market for the book was “robust” enough.

    A story yesterday on CNN.com shows just how wrong that assumption is.

    CNN’s Kelly Wallace attended a PTA meeting at her child’s school. The presenter, Jill Starishevsky, a New York City assistant district attorney in the child abuse and sex crimes bureau and author of the book “My Body Belongs to Me,” spoke to parents about why it’s so important to discuss sexual abuse with their children.

    Starishevsky’s book is child-focused, using poems and stories to safely and easily show children how to empower their bodies.

    Wallace was blown away. Not only by the material, but how and why parents are scared and confused about when and how to talk to their children about sexual abuse.

    If parents of young children are craving this information, parents of ALL children need it. That’s why THE WELL-ARMORED CHILD is a MUST READ for any parent of caregiver. There’s a market, but they have been too scared to raise their hands publicly. But not anymore.

    You can read more about THE WELL-ARMORED CHILD here.

     

     

  • We can’t waste this teachable moment: How the teaching of one commandment silenced generations of sex abuse victims and what we can do to change it

    Part One: Young Children and the Sixth Commandment

    It’s the juicy one: Thou shall not commit adultery.

    How do you teach the term adultery to young children? There are two ways:

    • There is a guilt and sin-laden method that shames child victims of abuse into a lifetime of silence and self-loathing. It also silences witnesses and whistleblowers and fosters continued sex abuse and cover-up in the Catholic Church and other faiths, or
    • There is an empowering method that can protect our children from abuse.

    The Problem

    My son is a 7-year-old second grader at a Lutheran school. This week, he came home with this quiz. As you can imagine, I flipped.

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    Sexually Pure? What seven-year-old truly understands?

    Young children do NOT understand what it means to be “sexually pure.” And what about the child who has been sexually abused. According to this worksheet, is that child not pure? Is he dirty or has she sinned in the eyes of God?

    NOTE: Fortunately, my child’s teacher (who is required to teach this worksheet as a part of Luther’s Cathechism) is a smart, wonderful woman who has been around the block . She completely understands the serious problems with this definition. She teaches her classes that boys and girls are made differently and that we respect those differences. The end. But the worksheet is still there. And we need to fix it.

    This problem is not unique to the Lutherans. When I was a first grader in Catholic schools, I was taught that I needed to be sexually pure for my husband and/or for Jesus. In fact, we were encouraged to be like the Virgin Mary in every way possible. If we were not, we were sinful and sullied in the eyes of God. I was six years old. And ultimately confused.

    At that age, I didn’t know what sex was, nor did I understand the meaning of the word “virgin.” But by the sixth grade, I did understand. And by that time, the ideas of sexual purity and sexual shame were deeply engrained in my young mind. Can you imagine how the victim of sexual abuse feels once they understand? That burden of sin, shame and guilt is too much for any child, especially the child who has done nothing wrong and is the victim of a crime.

    It gets worse: a child who believes that he is sinful will blame himself for abuse. A child who thinks she is “sullied” is going to believe that she asked for the abuse and is NOT going to report what happened to her. Peers and potential whistleblowers—who received the same lessons—are more likely to blame the victim for what happened (as happened in my own case).

    BUT WE CAN FIX THIS!

    The Solution

    1. For young children, take any discussion of sex out of the equation. Period. Children do not and should not know what sex or sexual purity are. Any child at this age (under 10) who acts out sexually has more than likely been the victim of abuse or witnessed something entirely age-inappropriate. That child needs immediate help. Sin and sex have nothing to do with it.
    2. Give children an empowering message that can help them stay safer from sexual abuse and help anyone else who has been hurt.

    Here’s an example:

    “We love, protect, and respect our bodies. We also respect and protect the bodies of others. We do not allow anyone to touch our private parts (except in some very special cases) and we do not touch the private parts of anyone else. If someone touches our private parts or we see or hear that a friend has been touched that way, we tell an adult we trust.”

    Blunt? Yes. Shameful and full of innuendo? No. Appropriate for the classroom? It’s far more appropriate than any discussion of sexual purity in a second-grade classroom.

    What’s the worst that could happen? It’s the same as the ideal result: A child will come forward and report abuse.

    I think Jesus is far more concerned with helping the child victim of sexual abuse than he is worried about the sexual purity of a 10-year-old.

    It’s time to change the discussion right now.

    Coming up in Part II

    The discussion of the sixth commandment and older children (including purity rings, the case of Elizabeth Smart, and why female victims of sexual abuse in the Catholic Church seldom come forward and report)

  • My kid has been invited to a slumber party! What do I do?

    The words from panicky parents ring far and wide:

    “I went to slumber parties all of the time and, you know, nothing bad ever happened. But things are so different now!”

    “I’ve never let my child spend a night away from me. But she’s nine now, and all of her friends have slumber parties. I can’t keep saying no.”

    So what do you do? Let’s start at the beginning:

    RELAX – Being upset about it is only going to make your child skittish. There are things you can do to calm your fears and help ensure your child’s safety.

    LOOK AT YOUR CHILD AND YOUR OPTIONS – Is your child enthusiastic about the slumber party? Maybe she isn’t. If your child does not want to go, don’t force him or her. There are also great alternatives – maybe your child can stay for the evening part of the party, but prefers to be picked up at 8 pm. For families with church and sports obligations, that’s a perfectly reasonable option.

    KNOW THE FAMILY – Just because you’ve seen the family at school, sports, or church functions doesn’t mean that you really know how they live. Ask to be invited inside the house. Tell the host parents that you’re “one of those nervous types” and just want to make sure everything is ok. If they care about your child, they will do everything they can to show you around. Besides, you also want to confirm that the family doesn’t have a cat ranch in the back bedroom, that they indeed use indoor plumbing, and/or there is no need for a hoarding intervention.

    TRUST YOUR GUT – Do you like the parents, but don’t have a good feeling about the teenage brother? Does your child like his/her friend, but says that the child’s dad is “creepy?” Do you have a bad feeling about the situation? Then just say no.

    HOST A STARTER PARTY – Have a child or two spend the night at your house. This is especially helpful if you think your child may have trepidation about spending a night away from home. You can also have a starter party at a trusted friend’s house – I was lucky enough to have one in the neighborhood for my son’s first sleepover. If anything went wrong, I was three doors down.

    TALK TO YOUR CHILD – In an ideal world, you will have already empowered your child about boundaries and his body. But now, go a step further: Tell your child that slumber parties are awesome. Remind her to get some sleep, don’t eat too much junk, and never be alone with an adult in the house behind closed doors. Also tell your child to call you if anything goes wrong, if something happens, or if he is scared. Plus, remind your child that he can tell you anything, even if he thinks he has done something bad or wrong.

    MAKE UP FOR THE NOS – If you have to tell your child “no” for a slumber party, let him have a friend overnight at your home. You don’t want your child confusing your prudence with his punishment.

    GET THE DEETS – It’s so easy to forget the little things. Make sure you have the hosts’ phone numbers and address. Make sure they have yours. Tell them if your child has allergies. Tell them that they have permission to dial 911 immediately if there is a serious accident involving your child. Tell them if your child does not know how to swim or if she needs to take medication.

     

    Not every child likes sleepovers (I was one of those kids), but for most elementary-school-age and older kids, slumber parties are an important rite of passage, a great social bonding tool, and tons of fun. With care, your child can thrive in these situations … except for the junk-food-lack-of-sleep-induced tummy ache. You’re on your own with that one.

     

     

  • When children abuse: A preventable tragedy

    A breaking story today has kept my phone ringing off the hook: A southern California third grader has been accused of sexually assaulting a classmate numerous times during the past year. School administrators only found out about it when other students at an after-school program reported what they saw. (Kudos to those kids!)

    Tragic? Yes. Horrifying? Yes.

    Preventable. YES!

    But fear, panic and over-reaction are not how to prevent this kind of abuse.

    Remember: third graders know little to nothing about sex. For the victim in this case, authorities believe that he didn’t report because he didn’t even have the vocabulary to describe what was happening to him.

    So, what do you do?

    You go back to the four ways to protect your preschooler from abuse. Number 3 is the relevant lesson here:

    3) Looking and touching

    The bathtub is a good time to teach this lesson. Tell children that no one is to touch their private body parts and they are to never touch anyone else’s. Tell them that no one is to take pictures of them when they have no clothes on. Don’t use a tone of fear in the discussion – If you approach this the same way as you approach the rules of crossing the street or sharing toys, your child will not be scared or threatened.

    As your children get older, you can tell them that even if what is happening feels good, they need to tell mom or dad right away.

    I just had this discussion with my second grader this afternoon. I asked him what he would do if someone—an adult or another classmate—touched him or wanted my son to touch them. He said he would say “NO!” and go and tell mom.

    When I asked him what he would do if he really liked that person, he hesitated.

    I told him, “If anyone touches your penis or bottom or touches you in any way that makes you feel icky, come and tell mom. It’s not your job to worry about what the other person thinks about you or their feelings. It’s mom’s job to take care of you. And mom will never be mad at you for it. Remember, sometimes even when things feel good, they are still bad and make you feel bad afterward—like eating too much Halloween candy. So just tell mom and let mom solve the problem for you.”

    He nodded, and then asked if he could play outside today. There was no belabored discussion; I didn’t nag (one of my big faults); and I didn’t act in a way that scared him.

    Later he asked me why I brought up the conversation. I told him that I want to help him be strong and safe.

    Is this method 100% fool-proof? No. But it could have empowered the victim in Riverside to tell his parents or teachers about what was happening to him. And it was also possibly the reason that the other students reported.

    By reporting, the other children did two important things: 1) they stopped the abuse so that the victim can get help and care, and 2) they stopped a child who most probably would have become a repeat molester.

    That’s some pretty powerful stuff that we can all take to heart.

     

     

     

  • In crisis, Francis fails

    One of the chapters of my upcoming book deals with what I call Institutional Rot, that is, why “good” people do and say bad things in the name of the institution and how children are caught in the crossfire. For an institutional culture to have this kind of crisis, the direction—or I should say, misdirection—has to come from the top.

    For the sake of comparison, let’s look at a hypothetical:

    Auto Company X is the leading automaker in the United States. For more than 100 years, Company X’s cars have been a part of American’s lives and a well-loved and trusted brand. But civil lawsuits filed by victims have unearthed the fact that Company X has knowingly been making and selling defective cars that veer off the road and kill people.

    Hundreds of victims sue the company. In the process of the litigation, it’s discovered that many of the corporate officers knew about the defects and did nothing. Instead of being fired, the executives are allowed to keep their jobs.

    The news gets worse and worse. In some areas of the country, anywhere from one in ten to one in 20 cars were killing people. While many of the cars were taken off the road, the company refuses to disclose how many cars still on the road have the potential to kill. In some cases, Company X took their emblems off of certain killer cars and now claims that they are no longer responsible for what those cars do.

    Although the lawsuits continue and one executive was convicted, the company insists the crisis is over. The convicted executive, who covered up for the defects and allowed killer cars to stay on the road, keeps his cushy job.

    In an interview, a newly-promoted president of the company says, “The crisis is over.” Despite the tens of thousands of people who were injured or killed by his cars, he says that “drunk drivers kill far more people than Company X’s cars.” He goes on to say that no one has looked into auto accidents more than Company X and that they are being “unfairly targeted.” In fact, he calls his predecessor, who knew about the defective cars for decades, a “true reformer.”

    All the while, victims of defective cars are still coming forward and executives are still fighting in the courts to make sure that the public never knows how many defective cars are or were on the road.

    We’d never tolerate that from an auto company. Why do we tolerate it from a religious leader?

    A perfect example? Pope Francis’ interview today with Italian daily Corriere della Serra.

    From the translated text:

    Corriere della Serra: The scandals that rocked the life of the Church are fortunately in the past. A public appeal was made to you, on the delicate theme of the abuse of minors, published by (the Italian newspaper) Il Foglio and signed by Besancon and Scruton, among others, that you would raise your voice and make it heard against the fanaticisms and the bad conscience of the secularized world that hardly respects infancy.

    Pope Francis: I want to say two things. The cases of abuses are terrible because they leave extremely deep wounds. Benedict XVI was very courageous and he cleared a path. The Church has done so much on this path. Perhaps more than anyone. The statistics on the phenomenon of the violence against children are shocking, but they also show clearly that the great majority of abuses take place in the family environment and around it. The Catholic Church is perhaps the only public institution to have acted with transparency and responsibility. No other has done more. And, the Church is the only one to be attacked.

    Here’s the problem: Francis is not addressing the problem. In business ethics circles, this kind of response (or lack thereof) is called “Organizational Failure.” What’s organizational failure? It’s when, in a crisis, an organization’s leader does not take responsibility, does not show contrition, does not display true action to ensure it never happens again, and does nothing to rebuild trust or punish wrong-doers.

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    Instead, Francis says the problem is over, does not apologize, does not talk about Bishops who are law-breakers right now, does not try to make amends, deflects blame, and plays the victim. And unfortunately for many Catholics and apologists, that’s okay.

    It should never be okay.