The Worthy Adversary

Category: armored child

  • What is “grooming” and how do child predators target children?

    Grooming is a predator’s “ticket” to your child. It is the careful means by which a predator befriends, flatters, builds trust, removes inhibitions, and blurs sexual and body boundaries in order to make a child an “easy” target for abuse—a child who does not fight back and is far less likely to report.

    Grooming is a slow and insidious process, intended to manipulate the child into thinking that the abuse is his or her fault and ensure that the child is confused and will not actively resist. It is such a successful tactic that the majority of child sexual abuse is not under physical force or the threat of physical force. It also helps a predator ensure that the victim is less likely to report the crime, due to the child’s shame, guilt, and confusion.

    Many predators also carefully groom families so that if the child does disclose, his or her parents will not believe the child.

    Some signs of grooming include when a predator:

    • Shares secrets with a child
    • Gives a child gifts or money
    • Gives a child alcohol, drugs, or pornography
    • Spends large amounts of time with the child alone
    • Engages in long hugging, touching, kissing or “accidental” touching that is sexualized
    • Takes the child alone on overnight trips
    • Tells the child s/he is “mature” for his/her age
    • Engages in sexual talk or jokes
    • Discusses adult subjects with the child, including marital problems, emotional troubles, financial difficulties
    • Threatens the child if the child tells the adult’s secrets

    This list is by no means comprehensive. But remember: your gut is usually your best guide. If something makes you feel “hinky”, go with your gut, ask questions, and do everything in your power to stop the cycle of abuse.

  • A bishop’s “epic fail” is a lesson to all of us: How to report abuse

    St. Louis Archbishop Robert Carlson has a lesson for all of us, and I don’t think it’s the lesson he intended.

    The situation: When asked by victims’ attorney Jeff Anderson in a recent deposition if he knew in the 1984 that child sex abuse was a crime, Carlson responded, “I’m not sure if I did or I didn’t.” The result: he didn’t report. Countless children were put at risk and many others were abused because he couldn’t pick up the phone and call the police.

    Which leads to the following question: Do YOU know how to report suspected or witnessed abuse?

    I am going to go into much greater detail on this subject in my upcoming book, but I feel that it’s necessary to post and repost this information as much as possible.

    First, some assumptions: I consider everyone a mandatory reporter. Child sex abuse is a crime with lasting consequences. There is a victim and an alleged criminal. If you see or suspect abuse, it’s an adult’s civic and moral obligation to report.

    If you are a mandatory reporter in the eyes of the law, your employer should provide you specific training on your reporting procedures. If you have not had that training in the past year, demand that your employer provide it to all mandatory reporters at your work.

    How to report child sexual abuse

    If you are a victim or witness abuse:

    1) If you are a victim of sexual assault, call 911. If it is not an emergency requiring immediate medical care, call your local police department and ask to speak to someone who can take a report of the sexual assault of a(n) child/adult. If you feel that it’s necessary to call 911, do it.

    2) If you see sexual abuse taking place, call 911. Treat the crime like a robbery, car accident or shooting. It’s a crime that needs immediate attention.

    NOTE: Do not rely on your institution (whether it be a church, school, university, community group, or your boss) to do the reporting for you. If you witnessed a shooting, you would call the cops, not your supervisor. Child sex abuse is the same. Plus, we have seen time and time again that institutions (especially churches and universities) are NOT in the abuse investigation business. Internal investigations do not protect victims and do not protect the rights of the accused. 

    If you suspect child sex abuse:

    1) Call the ChildHelpUSA national child abuse reporting hotline at 1-800-4ACHILD. They also have a website that is well worth your review now, before you encounter a situation where you need immediate answers. When you call the hotline, a trained crisis operation will talk to you about what you saw, what you suspect, and the next steps you should take. They will carefully walk you through the entire process.

    2) Call the specific agency in your state that handles the investigation of child sex crimes. You can read a list of them here. I suggest going over them now, before you are in a situation where you need to report.

    3) If you suspect that a child who is not your child is being abused and the parents are not the suspected abusers, talk to the parents. If you think that the parents will not take action and the child is in danger, call ChildHelpUSA. They will help you assess your suspicions and alert you of the next steps you should take.

    NOTE: You are not an investigator and you do not need to have “proof” of the abuse to report. That is the job of the police. Report your suspicions and let law enforcement do its job.

    Some red flags:

    1) Your employer says that you should report suspected abuse to them before calling the police or ChildHelp. (Think of it this way – if there was a shooting going on, you would call 911 without getting your supervisor on the phone, right?)

    2) If an employer or institution says that they “need to investigate this internally” before calling ChildHelp, the police, or social services.

    My take? Report anyway.

    And if you’re scared or reticent of “making a mistake” by reporting:

    Organizations like ChildHelp were founded to help people correctly report crimes. They also can tell a concerned adult when there is no crime to report.

    Now what?

    Most of us will never be in a situation where we need to report. But we will encounter people who need our help. Learn what sexual behaviors in children are healthy and which ones need direct attention. Learn the signs of abuse. Learn the signs of sexual grooming.

    Most importantly: Talk to your kids. Chances are they will listen.

  • When a child is abused … by another child

    I have written on this subject before. But today’s story out of Sacramento is more tragic and upsetting.

    The mother of an eight-year-old sodomy victim has filed a lawsuit against the mobile home park where the crime happened in 2013. She charges that the management of Sacramento’s Park Royal Estates Mobile Home Park knew that a 15-year-old boy was raping and terrorizing resident children in key-access, monitored, and “secured” areas of the park. But instead of calling the cops and reporting their suspicions, staffers kept quiet.

    Fortunately, the boy immediately reported to his mother, who called the police. The 15-year-old is now in jail. He has allegedly raped at least one other child in the park.

    Why wouldn’t park staffers report what they knew or suspected? Maybe it was fear of the 15-year-old. Maybe it was fear of his parents. Perhaps staffers feared that parents would pick up their children and move out of the park if they knew what was happening. Maybe they just though it was “child’s play.” Whatever the rationale, it was wrong. It’s a cover-up as tragic as the clergy sex abuse crisis … especially since, like clerics who offend and are moved around, juveniles who offend get a “free pass” and no help to actually stop the behavior.

    But I am not here to talk about the legal aspects of this case. For this discussion, legal liability is irrelevant. I want to talk about the teen who abused.

    The sexual abuse of a child is horrific enough, but when the abuser is a minor, the consequences are far more tragic than what most people realize.

    Crimes by juveniles are some of the least likely to be reported, no matter how violent or traumatic they are to the victim.

    Why?

    • Parents of the perpetrator are likely to minimize the severity of the crime or deny the crime,
    • The perpetrator is likely the victim of a crime and/or suffering from extreme mental illness with no access to care,
    • The victim and the perpetrator are peers, in a sense. The terror of the abuse infiltrates a child’s social circles and peer groups,
    • The perpetrator is more likely to come from a violent home or the “system,” where intervention is difficult,
    • Parents of the victim are less likely to believe that a child can commit such a horrible crime,
    • Many adults believe that a child can easily fight off another child,
    • The crimes are often wrongly attributed to children’s sexual exploration or “child’s play,”
    • Other adults tend to romanticize their own childhoods, and can find it difficult to realize the severity of the abuse.

    So now, we have a victim who is totally terrorized, alienated from his/her peers, afraid to report, or not believed.

    But let’s say that the child DOES report, as in this case. Then we have a whole new tragedy.

    • The juvenile justice system is not equipped to treat sex offending children—mostly because society barely understands the problem,
    • The perpetrator receives little, if any, therapeutic help for his/her criminal behavior or the mental illness that caused the behavior,
    • If the juvenile is convicted, his/her record is sealed and his/her name does not appear on any registries,
    • If the minor offends again as a minor or an adult, it is difficult—if not impossible—for the victim to get access to the perpetrator’s history.

    I have worked with dozens of victims who have been abused by older siblings, baby sitters, camp counselors, neighborhood kids or teens at church of school. Their story is the same: they are more disenfranchised than many other victims of abuse. As they grow into adulthood, they find it difficult to get help or to reach out to friends and family, who simply can’t understand the severity of the crime.

    So now what do we do?

    • Talk to your kids about bullies and other children who threaten, hurt or terrorize other children,
    • Keep your eye out—does your child try to hide from other children out of fear, or does he make excuses to stay inside when he used to love to be with other kids?
    • Never push your child to play with kids that your child fears,
    • Listen to your child when they talk about the social dynamics of their peer group,
    • Don’t assume that girls are incapable of abuse,
    • Watch you child at play. Sometimes, abuse can happen right under your nose.

    Most importantly: report when you suspect a crime. The ChildHelp hotline is staffed 24/7 with crisis counselors and offers “crisis intervention, information, literature, and referrals to thousands of emergency, social service, and support resources. All calls are anonymous and confidential.” 

     

     

  • No secrets: It’s easy for kids to keep promises … for the wrong people

    One of the most important things I teach parents about empowering children against abuse is: “no secrets.”

    Yesterday I was reminded about how important it is to REINFORCE this lesson as children get older. Although the following story does not involve abuse, it shows how easy it is for a child to keep a secret with a “trusted adult” … even if the adult is wrong or should not be trusted.

    secrets

     

    The Story

    Family X is a local family who has a daughter with a chronic illness. If Daughter X is exposed to sick kids, her likelihood of infection is exponentially higher than other children’s. If infected, a simple cold or flu could kill her. A vomiting illness could land Daughter X in the hospital. The result? Family X is vigilant. Daughter X wears a mask in public, and they ask people whom they encounter to let them know if they or their children are sick.

    Last weekend, Family X had a small family gathering to celebrate an important milestone. At the party, Cousin X began throwing up in the bathroom. Family X’s 11-year-old son, who is not ill, was there. When Aunt X found out, she told Son X, “Please don’t tell anyone, especially your mother. I don’t want to ruin the party.”

    So, not wanting to disobey or upset his beloved aunt, Son X kept quiet. Until he began vomiting the next day.

    When Mother X was taking care of the-now-terribly-ill Son X, she asked him, “Did you know of anyone who was sick?”

    Barfing and needing his mother’s care, Son X told her the secret.

    Mother X was rightfully upset. Now, Son X was suffering and Daughter X was at severe risk. Had the aunt simply told Son X to wash his hands and tell his mother about the situation, Family X could have taken the necessary precautions, including making sure that all surfaces were clean and the sick cousin was quarantined (which should have happened anyway). But Aunt X decided to make that call and swear a child to secrecy. Now, everyone was at risk.

    But what was also upsetting was the ease with which Son X kept his aunt’s secret. Although Son X is a child, he knew that by keeping the secret, there was a huge risk. But he loves and trusts his aunt. He truly believes that such an aunt would never do anything to put him or Family X in harm’s way.

    See where I am going here?

    This is why children usually don’t report sexual abuse.

    Because the abuser is a loved and trusted adult—whether a family member, scout leader, minister, neighbor, or camp counselor—he or she can easily tell the child, “Don’t tell anyone.” And the child will obey. The more loved and trusted the adult is, the more likely the child is to keep the secret. And if a child has been groomed over a period of weeks or months, he or she is even less likely to tell.

    So, now what do you do?

    — Reinforce the “no secrets” rule (make sure to differentiate between “secrets” and “surprises.” Secrets are never told. Surprises are things like parties and presents).

    — Give your child a situation and ask the what he or she would do. For example, you could say, “What if Mrs. Cooper showed you something and made you promise to never tell. What would you do?” Depending on the child’s answer, you can say that he or she should never keep an adult’s secret.

    You can go on and say that adults should never have secrets with kids. Always tell mom/dad anytime an adult—no matter how much the child loves the adult—wants to have a special secret. Even if it’s something as simple as a extra snack. Or a barfing cousin.

    Don’t wait until it’s too late.

    Note:

    Kids sharing secrets amongst themselves is an issue for a later post.

  • It all started with a support group

    This past Sunday, I had a bit of an epiphany.

    I was getting ready to receive an award for my work on behalf of SNAP for creating awareness for support groups. The organization honoring us—SHARE! The Self Help and Recovery Exchange—is an awesome non-profit that provides more than 140 support groups a week, helps people in crisis find temporary-to-permanent housing, and offers volunteer-to-job training (among a myriad of other services). What struck me about the group is that they empower people to help themselves—instead of allowing the vulnerable to become a “part of the system” and relying on useless handouts without the tools and capabilities to function in society. But I digress. photo

    I was worried: I needed to give a 5-minute speech. I didn’t really want to talk about me or my story, because that wasn’t what the award was about. I didn’t want to talk about “my” work, because let’s face it: I don’t and can’t do the work that I do alone.

    But then, it dawned on me: It all started with a support group.

    The explosion in child sex abuse awareness and prevention did not start with a bunch of doctors standing up and saying, “We have an epidemic!” The child sex abuse and cover-up crisis in the Catholic Church and other religious organizations was not exposed when a bunch of judges to awakened one night and said, “I am going to commence a trial right now and expose this crap.” And none of it was started by lawyers. It started in a support group meeting.

    The movement began a victim reached out find other victims and when a parent wanted to find out the truth about her child. Together and separately, they started to heal. Then they met more victims. Soon, they discovered they had civil and criminal rights and worked with law enforcement to punish wrongdoers. Then they realized: we can change our laws to help more victims and protect children from being abused in the first place. As laws were changed and abuse and cover-up were exposed, more victims came forward. Where did they go? They went to support group meetings. Now instead of a cycle of abuse and pain, survivors of sexual abuse had created a cycle of support, healing and change.

    Receiving the SHARE! award with Esther Miller, SNAP leader and founder of Whoop Ass Healing
    Receiving the SHARE! award with Esther Miller, SNAP leader and founder of Whoop Ass Healing

    No one gave us a handout. We were (and still are) politically incorrect in many circles. Religious leaders lambast us in the media and try to vilify us. But they won’t succeed. Why? Because we empowered ourselves to create the cycle of healing.

    And like other persecuted groups, we stood up and said it was time for us to be counted.

    What happened? We fought for more victim and child-friendly laws across the country. We exposed predators and those who covered up for predators world-wide. We have gotten the notice of international judicial bodies who have decided to help us. We have reached out to families and communities and showed them that it is safe and easy to protect their children from abuse.

    But what is the most important thing we have done? We have done something that has transcended the “scandal.” We have opened the dialogue in homes and families, schools and communities. People are talking and walking into our cycle of healing whether that be in our meetings or the meetings of other wonderful organizations. The Catholic Church and other institutions did not start or continue the cycle of healing. Victims did. Without support groups, none of this would have been possible.

    Suddenly, I had something fill up my five minutes.

    Other amazing honorees at the SHARE! Awards included the LA County Client Coalition; John Hall with Secular Organizations for Sobreity; Veterans in Film and Television, the Center for Lupus Care; and actress and suicide prevention activist Mariette Hartley.

    With fellow honoree Mariette Hartley
    With fellow honoree Mariette Hartley

     

    Post by Darcy Fehringer.