The Worthy Adversary

Category: armored child

  • Predators, Alcohol and Teens … a deadly combination

     

    The sexual abuse of teens by powerful adults (teachers, coaches, priests, family members) is a trauma double whammy: teens damaged by the abuse AND they are often blamed for the abuse by community members who say that the teen wanted it, was a slut, or should have known better.

    What these people don’t understand—but predators do—are the intricacies of a teenager’s brain.

    I’m not talking about hormones here. I’m talking about the physical, mental and emotional maturation of the white matter between a kid’s ears.

    In his book Brainstorm, Daniel J. Siegel talks about why teenagers act the way they do. Without getting into the meat of the book (which is a must read for teens and parents), there was one specific point he made (among many) that shows why predators who target teens are far more likely to use alcohol to groom their victims.

    According to Siegel’s studies, the teenage brain is subject to much greater dopamine releases than either children or adults. That is, they get much greater pleasure and a much bigger “rush” from alcohol, drugs, or dangerous behavior (sex, fast driving, BMX racing, etc.). So the euphoria a teen feels after drinking is much more intense than what an adult feels. Therefore, it’s harder to resist … or stop.

    Siegel takes it a step further. In the studies he cites, teens are also far more susceptible to addiction, because their brains’ “pleasure receptacles” haven’t developed enough to help the brain engage in self-control.

    Put those together with a powerful and influential adult, and you have trouble. Predators who target teens know: a) teens are more likely to accept alcohol, b) they are more likely to drink to intoxication and addiction, c) they get a rush from the excitement of breaking the rules and feel “adult,” d) they know it’s wrong and are unlikely to tell a parent if something happens to them while they are drunk (especially if the teen is a boy who was abused by a man), and most importantly,

    e) the teen is likely to be blamed for the abuse (“You were drunk! What did you THINK would happen?”).

    How do you prevent this from happening you your teen? It’s easy: TALK ABOUT IT. Be blunt. Show them what you have read and ask them what they think about it. Ask them what they have seen. Ask their opinion … and value it. Tell your teen that if an adult tries to give them alcohol “in secret,” (it’s illegal, and) that adult has serious issues and must be reported. Tell your teen that if something like that happens, they can tell you safely. Tell your teen that if they know of something that has happened or if something happened to them, they shouldn’t be scared or ashamed.

    Come to your teen from a place of conversation, not one of lecturing or shaming. Don’t talk about “your time” as a teen—ask them about theirs. It may take a couple of days of innocent questions, but if they think you are really interested in what they have to say, they will come around. And don’t be embarrassed or discouraged.

    There is a lot more to talk to you teen about when it comes to alcohol … but this is a good start.

    And starting the conversation is the first and most important part, right?

    I’ll cover this and other issues with teens far more in-depth … but you’ll have to buy the upcoming book.

     

     

  • Prevent abuse: Go with your gut

    A big question I get from parents is: How can I keep my child safe?

    While I have a book on the subject coming out soon, there is one thing we can all do right now to make our kids safer:

    Go with your gut.

    If you are in a situation and things seem odd, they probably are. If you have to be talked into taking yourself or your child places that make you feel “hinky” or uncomfortable, go with that gut feeling that tells you to stay away. Never rationalize yourself or your child into danger.

    As the commercials say: Most of your immune system lives in your gut. When it tries to tell you something, listen.

    Maybe it’s trying to protect you from more than germs.

  • If nothing else …

    No matter your take on the recent UN committee report on the problem of sex abuse in the Catholic Church and no matter how you feel about the recent public argument involving Woody Allen and his daughter Dylan Farrow, two things are clear:

    The more we talk about sex abuse as a crime, the more likely it is that victims will come forward.

    The more we make ourselves aware of the problem, the easier it will be to protect our children.

    Everything else is just semantics.

  • You read Dylan Farrow’s letter. Now what?

    Every once in a while, I catch myself wondering why the child sex abuse awareness movement (especially in the Catholic Church) has never elicited support from Hollywood A-listers.

    Yesterday, Dylan Farrow gave us a painful and personal reminder.

    Her immensely brave open letter in the New York Times is raw. She openly accuses Woody Allen and gives details of the abuse. But she goes a step further, naming the Hollywood A-Listers who continue to support Allen.

    (Although Allen has not been found guilty in a court of law, he has been accused of abuse by one of his children, and went on to marry his step-daughter.)

    The sense of betrayal that Farrow expresses is a universal theme for victims of child sexual abuse. The crime of abuse is horrific enough for a child, but when adults whom the child loves and respects side with the abuser, it is devastating. It drives the victim into a world of shame and silence. I know that feeling first hand.

    I also know another feeling that Farrow describes—the sheer disgust as she watches Hollywood elites fawn over Allen, his movies and his continued award nominations. No one in Hollywood will publicly stand up for Farrow, just like no one in Hollywood stood up for the victim of Roman Polanski. Just like no one at Adrian College will stand up for me and the other victims of Thomas Hodgman.

    So, now do we do?

    We have a call to action—We need to change how we deal with victims of sexual abuse.

    1) If you know victims of abuse (and you do), tell them that you love and support them. Tell them you believe them.

    2) If you can help a victim report to the police, do it.

    3) Open up communication with your children and family members about abuse. Don’t shroud discussions of sex or abuse with shame.

    4) Write your legislators about changing laws dealing with child sex crimes. Three bills in California (two dealing with statutes of limitation and another dealing with training reporters) need support.

    5) Don’t give your money or allegiance to organizations who engage in legal battles with victims in order to hide abuse and cover-up. The Archdiocese of Los Angeles spent millions trying to keep their crimes secret. So did the Archdiocese of Chicago and the Diocese of Orange. Publicly admonish those who covered up abuse.

    6) Don’t go to Woody Allen movies. Go a step further and don’t support any actor or studio affiliated with Allen.

    7) Raise children who are well-armored against abuse. My upcoming book can help you get started. The proposal is done and we are currently looking for an agent/publisher. If you want more information or know a contact who would be interested, email me.

     

     

     

     

  • Big Announcement

    I am super-duper excited to announce my next book project:

    Raising the Armored Kid: A victim and advocate gives you the tools to help your children stay safe from sexual abuse (working title)

    This easy-to-read, easy-to-use book will teach parents, caregivers and loved ones common sense strategies that will help children stay safe from child sexual abuse. I include age-specific tools to empower children—from toddlers to adults—and repel predators.

    But that is only part of the book. I also explain predatory behaviors such as grooming, give insight into institutional cover-up of abuse, and show how something as simple as changing a parenting style can make the difference in your child’s safety.

    Why this book?

    I thought back to the more than 10+ years of conversations I have had about my work as an advocate for adult victims of child sexual abuse. The dialogue is always the same: They ask me what I do. I tell them. They ooh and ahh for a minute. Then every parent ASKS THE SAME QUESTION:

    “Gosh, what can I do to make sure that it doesn’t happen to my kid?”

    That’s when I realized that there is no easy-to-read “toolkit” type of book for parents when it comes to preventing child sexual abuse.There are websites here and there, but most are written by academics who have never been “in the trenches” with abuse victims. Information is difficult or impossible to find on important topics such as grooming, parenting styles, and institutional rot.

    Somebody needed to write this book. But who?

    Then I realized—that person is me. I am a victim with a powerful and relevant story to tell. I am a parent. I have worked with more than 1,000 victims of child sexual abuse, read the depositions of hundreds of predators, and work closely with advocates, educators and leaders in the field. I’ve been in the trenches, and it’s time for me to use that knowledge to help stop the cycle.

    If you don’t need this book, you love someone who does.

    More coming soon!