Category: armored child

  • TEDx PasadenaWomen

     

    Katie, bar the door: I have been invited to speak at TEDx PasadenaWomen. To say I am excited would be an understatement. Achieving this kind of goal—speaking in front of engaged and visionary women at a TEDx event—has been mind-blowing.

     

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    What will I be talking about? Well, that’s a secret.

    What is TEDx PasadenaWomen? Here’s what the organizers have to say about the event:

    Here in Pasadena, we are hosting an independently run event that will take place May 30, 2015 and will  be aligned with the May 27, 28, 29 TEDWomen experience taking place in Monterey, California. Our local event will feature at least one recorded talk from the Monterey sessions but will focus primarily on live presentations from those in and around Pasadena. The theme, Momentum, will serve as the umbrella for the whole of our event from the speakers to the setting to the swag bags to the invitations. TEDxPasadenaWomen will transform the local conversation and provide a launch pad for the cross pollination of ideas and expertise between industries, socio-economic groups, ages, and life experiences. Join us.

    You can read more about TED here.

     

  • SNL pushes the line too far—and how to push back

    It’s not 1984 anymore. But Saturday Night Live forgot that this past weekend.

    Yesterday, I discussed what we can learn from the awful Barbara Walters/Mary Kay LeTourneau interview aired last Friday.

    But ABC is not alone in its total disregard for the damage caused by adult women who sexually abuse children (girls and boys). NBC is right at ABC’s heels.

    In a skit in Saturday’s episode, a male child victim of sexual abuse by a teacher is portrayed as lucky and happy about the abuse. The accused teacher, who is very attractive, is let off by the judge who gives the victim a celebratory “fist bump.”

    Like I said yesterday, handwringing is not going to save a single boy from abuse. Being upset or feeling “triggered” will not stop this kind of horrific portrayal of the sexual abuse of boys.

    Instead, we need to empower ourselves and our children to make sure that the “hot for teacher” stereotype is shut down permanently and that women who abuse boys are punished.

    How do we do that?

    Talk to your boys (and girls, too) about sexual abuse when it is age appropriate. Tell them that sexual behavior between adults and children/teenagers is a crime. It does not matter whether the adult is a woman or a man. Encourage your children to report abuse or suspected abuse.

    Shut down the “teenage fantasy” stereotype. Sure, it may be a “fantasy” for a teenage boy to be with a beautiful woman. But my eight-year-old wishes that he could shoot a cannon. He also wants to have a real gun and drive in NASCAR. But he is neither old nor mature enough to do any of these things. He will hurt himself and be damaged, possibly for life … just like how teenage boy is horribly damaged when he is sexually exploited by a female teacher.

    Never perpetuate “the boy came on to me defense.” LeTourneau continually repeats this when she talks about being alone with a thirteen-year-old boy late and night and sexually abusing him. Kids and teens have crushes on teachers. It’s healthy and normal. But good teachers and honorable adults shut these crushes down with grace and dignity, letting the child know that such behavior is not appropriate. If LeTourneau had grace and dignity, she would never have been alone with a sixth grader late at night. And if a sixth grader had tried to kiss her, she would have backed away, told the child gently that it’s never okay for adults to kiss children and that he must not do that again, and then immediately reported what happened (to the parents and school administrators). But we all know she has no grace or dignity. She is a narcissist.

    Demand greater legal accountability. Encourage lawmakers to change civil and criminal statutes of limitations so that victims have more time to come forward and use the courts for justice. We also must demand teachers’ unions drop extra job and legal protections for public school teachers accused of sexually abusing children.

    The best way to shut down bad stereotypes is education and action. And it starts now.

  • What we can learn from the LeTourneau interview

     

    Barbara Walters’ interview with convicted child molester Mary Kay LeTourneau and her once-victim-now-husband Vili Fualaau was gut wrenching. The romanticization of the abuse was awful enough. But giving a woman like LeTourneau a platform to justify what she did is reprehensible.

    Being outraged or upset about the interview doesn’t help anyone. But talking about her predatory patterns can help keep children safer. The more we understand how she thinks, the more we can see her behavioral patterns in other people who may abuse or try to abuse children.

    1) Mary Kay LeTourneau is a narcissist. It’s all about her. LeTourneau wants to get off of the sex offender registry because she feels like she has “served her time” for what she still believes is a “love affair” with a 13-year-old boy. Predators tend to be narcissists, with very limited understanding of boundaries. According to the narcissist, the child “comes on to them” and “the predator is the real victim.” This also traps the victim, who believes that the abuse was his/her fault or that they are “hurting” the predator by reporting or refusing. In my opinion, Fualaau is trapped and blames himself. LeTourneau groomed Fualaau and sexually abused him. Period.

    She should and must remain a registered sex offender, just like a man convicted of the same crimes.

    2) She got a pass because she is a woman predator. Yes, she was convicted. But Barbara Walters would never have interviewed a predator who married a victim if the predator were male. Walters and ABC have no comprehension of the damage LeTourneau has done. (Speaking of networks perpetuating the “hot for teacher” stereotype, we can look at Saturday Night Live’s skit this weekend where a male victim of child sexual abuse by a woman is portrayed as the luckiest kid around.)

    3) She minimized what she did to Vili. LeTourneau called it love. The courts and society call it child sexual abuse. When she was out on parole, the first thing she did was find the boy and sexually abuse him again. Predators often minimize their crimes in order to divert attention, thwart reporting, and manipulate the victim.

    From the People Magazine story on the interview:

    When asked whether she felt “guilty” or “disgusted” with herself for having an affair with Fualaau, Letourneau replied, “I loved him very much, and I kind of thought, ‘Why can’t it ever just be a kiss?’ “

    Hey, Mary Kay: even the kiss was abuse. Why were you ever alone with him late at night in the first place?

    4) She isolated Vili from his peers and family. One of the first things that predators do when grooming a child is to isolate the child from his or her peers and family. That way, the victim must rely totally on the abuser for compassion and emotional support. Vili said it himself. From People:

    Not having a strong support system when Letourneau became pregnant with his children was the hardest part.

    “It was a huge change in my life, for sure. I don’t feel like I had the right support or the right help behind me,” he said. “From my family, from anyone in general. I mean, my friends couldn’t help me because they had no idea what, what it was like to be a parent, I mean, because we were all 14, 15.”

    But we all know that the isolation started long before that. Once he was the father of her children, he could never escape her.

    5) She does not believe that she damaged him. 

    From People:

    Fualaau confessed in the 20/20 interview that he struggled with depression during this “dark time” and the years that followed.

    “I’m surprised I’m still alive today,” he said. “I went through a really dark time.”

    The damage was caused by what LeTourneau did. But she is incapable of understanding that.

    So what have we learned? Predators are narcissists. They minimize crimes. They isolate their victims from friends and family (physically and emotionally). And yes, they can be women.

    Wringing our hands and being outraged isn’t going to do anything. The interview is finished and the damage is done. But we can take the interview and use it to protect children and educate and empower ourselves. We can also work towards extended civil and criminal statutes of limitations for child sex crimes so that what happened to Vili doesn’t happen to another child.

    If you see any of LeTourneau’s behaviors in adults who are spending time with your children, intervene immediately, talk to your children, and report. Don’t know who to call? Start with the National Child Abuse Hotline at 1-800-4ACHILD. Trained crisis operators will take your call and help you determine your next steps.

     

     

     

  • Bullying prevention workshop April 29

    Remember: Bullying is abuse. It’s a crime of power, just like child sexual abuse. I hope you can join us in Costa Mesa, CA this April 29.
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  • The Well-Armored Child is chugging along

    I just got the cover design for THE WELL-ARMORED CHILD. Everything is on track for my September publication date!

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