The Worthy Adversary

Category: armored child

TEDx PasadenaWomen

It’s been two weeks since I was on the TEDx stage. I am still reeling at the amazing day, the supernatural speakers, and the wonderful friends I made. I spoke about the power of responsibility and how—when we take responsibility for our emotions, reactions, and decisions—we can create the future that we WANT.

Other speakers talked about virtual reality, focusing on the WHAT instead of the WHO, space exploration, financial health, cutting men some well-deserved slack, the future of global journalism, roller derby and motherhood, and taking power back during and after cancer. (p.s. buy a Fighter T – even if you don’t have cancer or a recent surgery, it’s a great shirt for any woman. And the WHY? Foundation working to get these T’s in the hands of women with breast cancer who can’t afford them)

Every speaker was a badass and a fighter. All of us had a message. All of us faced odds and won. I am so honored to have shared that stage with those men and women.

My talk is scheduled to be online by the end of June. I will provide a link as soon as I have one.

My sister Jennifer and I “grace” the red carpet

The control center

Rehearsals

My name tag said “speaker.” I guess I didn’t just imagine this whole thing.

Jimmy Carter simulcast

The momentum audio library – attendees were able to podcast their inspirations, aspirations, and motivations

June 15, 2015
La Respuesta Compasiva

The Compassionate Response: How to help and empower the adult victim of child sexual abuse is now available in Spanish. Paperback and Kindle editions.

About the book:

One of the hardest things that many adult survivors of child sexual abuse will ever do is come forward and tell someone. Even if the survivor finally discloses decades after the crime, the pain is still fresh and the shame still stings.

But for the person the survivor tells, hearing the news and knowing how to react in a compassionate, safe, and empowering way can be almost as difficult.

This easy-to-use book gives friends, spouses, and loved ones guidelines on compassionate responses and appropriate resources—including services, information on civil and criminal statutes of limitation, and support—that can help adult survivors of child sex begin the path towards healing.

La Respuesta Compasiva: Cómo ayudar y fortalecer a la víctima adulta de abuso sexual infantil.

Una de las situaciones más difíciles que pueden experimentar muchos sobrevivientes adultos de abuso sexual es tomar la decisión de contárselo a alguien. Incluso si el sobreviviente finalmente lo revela muchas décadas después de que el abuso sucedió, el dolor todavía se seguirá sintiendo como algo reciente y la vergüenza todavía lastimará.

No obstante, para la persona a quien el sobreviviente le cuenta el suceso, puede ser casi igual de difícil escuchar la noticia y saber cómo reaccionar de manera compasiva, segura y fortalecedora.

Escrito por una sobreviviente que es una experta nacional en el tema, este libro fácil de leer es el punto de partida perfecto para alguien que conoce a un sobreviviente adulto de abuso sexual infantil.

Disponible en edición de bolsillo y para el Kindle

June 13, 2015
Inside the TEDx speaker’s mind

What do you do when you get the chance of a lifetime?

Worry. And sweat.

I was selected to be a speaker for the May 30 TEDx Pasadena Women conference. Being a speaker at TED and TEDx are HUGE goals of mine … so I have to admit: when I received the acceptance, I thought that (perhaps) they had made a mistake and sent the invite to the wrong person. So, I did what I was supposed to do (send in materials, bio, etc), and I waited for the “Oops! Never mind,” email.

When instead, I was given the speaker’s checklist, I knew that I was in.

Between now and May 29 (when we have our dress rehearsal), it’s time to dive into my talk. I already have a first draft, but I know that it’s going to change as the days pass. The folks at TEDx have great coaches who will help be hone my message, and I am sure that my friends will get sick and tired of having to watch me practice. I don’t want to go into this unprepared—TEDx is only the first part of the goal. I want to grace the main TED stage … and soon. And since I am not a household name (yet), I’m going to have to do my best to dazzle the powers that be.

What I am I worried about right now? There are two things: one biological and one mental.

The first is a doozy: I sweat when I am nervous. I sweat a lot. Which is odd, because in every other aspect of my life, I am not a sweaty person. Even when I do press conferences, I don’t sweat. I was never sweaty when I was a performer. But the last thing I want is an HD video of my talk on YouTube with HD focus on my sweaty pits. (“Gee, I think I remember Joelle’s talk. But someone tell that girl to wear antiperspirant!”)

The second? I bet you can guess. Can I pull it off? Is my message powerful enough? Can I deliver it in a way that makes a difference? Will people say: Joelle changed the way I look at the world … ? Will I engage the audience? Will I make people laugh? Am I good enough?

Antiperspirant is the easy part. The rest will take hard work.

April 29, 2015
A wake-up call for the Boy Scouts

Yesterday, a 17-year-old victim of child sexual abuse in the Boy Scouts filed a sex abuse and cover-up lawsuit against the local Sacramento council and the national Boy Scout organization.

The victim, who waited until after he earned the honor of Eagle Scout to file the lawsuit, was molested by a former Assistant Scout Master who was criminally convicted of lewd and lascivious acts with the victim in this case as well as another boy. The convicted Scout Master is also an Eagle Scout.

The victim held up his end of the bargain. Now it’s time for the Scouts to uphold theirs.

I was honored to be at the press conference and speak with the victim and his father. It’s not often that I get to meet victims who are brave enough to come forward at such a young age.

And there were also some pretty disturbing revelations. The molester in this case was young—20 years old at the time of the abuse. He sexually assaulted the victim when he was 13 and 15.

Why are the Scouts liable? Other scout leaders were inclined to give the predator a “pass.” Even though they saw suspicious and/or criminal behavior, they thought that a former Eagle Scout was beyond reproach. Others may have also considered the 20-year-old predator “one of the boys” and did not understand the severe imbalance of power that existed.

Not only was the victim a child and the predator an adult—but the victim in this case wanted to be an Eagle Scout. The only way to do that? Uphold the Boy Scout Law:

A Scout is trustworthy, loyal, helpful, friendly,
courteous, kind, obedient, cheerful, thrifty,
brave, clean, and reverent.

And when your scoutmaster (who is a fairly recent Eagle Scout) holds your future and dreams in his grip, your options are clear: Obedience, reverence, and loyalty.

The victim was physically, emotionally and psychologically powerless … but he’s not anymore.

The lesson here: No oath or law will protect your child. It’s up to parents and caregivers to protect, inform, and empower.

April 22, 2015
Helping the supporters
I had the opportunity to work with a very strong and brave group of clergy sex abuse survivors over the weekend.

Two things struck me:
- Their total bravery and willingness to grow beyond trauma, and
- Their compassion for friends and family members who want to be loving and helpful, but don’t know what to say or do.
I brought copies of The Compassionate Response with me. The response? Pretty awesome. I had no idea how much of a need there is for this kind of book.

If you know someone who loves a survivor and wants to help, pick him or her up a copy. It’s a short read and worth the time.
April 20, 2015