The Worthy Adversary

Category: Clergy Abuse Crisis

  • We can’t waste this teachable moment: How the teaching of one commandment silenced generations of sex abuse victims and what we can do to change it

    Part One: Young Children and the Sixth Commandment

    It’s the juicy one: Thou shall not commit adultery.

    How do you teach the term adultery to young children? There are two ways:

    • There is a guilt and sin-laden method that shames child victims of abuse into a lifetime of silence and self-loathing. It also silences witnesses and whistleblowers and fosters continued sex abuse and cover-up in the Catholic Church and other faiths, or
    • There is an empowering method that can protect our children from abuse.

    The Problem

    My son is a 7-year-old second grader at a Lutheran school. This week, he came home with this quiz. As you can imagine, I flipped.

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    Sexually Pure? What seven-year-old truly understands?

    Young children do NOT understand what it means to be “sexually pure.” And what about the child who has been sexually abused. According to this worksheet, is that child not pure? Is he dirty or has she sinned in the eyes of God?

    NOTE: Fortunately, my child’s teacher (who is required to teach this worksheet as a part of Luther’s Cathechism) is a smart, wonderful woman who has been around the block . She completely understands the serious problems with this definition. She teaches her classes that boys and girls are made differently and that we respect those differences. The end. But the worksheet is still there. And we need to fix it.

    This problem is not unique to the Lutherans. When I was a first grader in Catholic schools, I was taught that I needed to be sexually pure for my husband and/or for Jesus. In fact, we were encouraged to be like the Virgin Mary in every way possible. If we were not, we were sinful and sullied in the eyes of God. I was six years old. And ultimately confused.

    At that age, I didn’t know what sex was, nor did I understand the meaning of the word “virgin.” But by the sixth grade, I did understand. And by that time, the ideas of sexual purity and sexual shame were deeply engrained in my young mind. Can you imagine how the victim of sexual abuse feels once they understand? That burden of sin, shame and guilt is too much for any child, especially the child who has done nothing wrong and is the victim of a crime.

    It gets worse: a child who believes that he is sinful will blame himself for abuse. A child who thinks she is “sullied” is going to believe that she asked for the abuse and is NOT going to report what happened to her. Peers and potential whistleblowers—who received the same lessons—are more likely to blame the victim for what happened (as happened in my own case).

    BUT WE CAN FIX THIS!

    The Solution

    1. For young children, take any discussion of sex out of the equation. Period. Children do not and should not know what sex or sexual purity are. Any child at this age (under 10) who acts out sexually has more than likely been the victim of abuse or witnessed something entirely age-inappropriate. That child needs immediate help. Sin and sex have nothing to do with it.
    2. Give children an empowering message that can help them stay safer from sexual abuse and help anyone else who has been hurt.

    Here’s an example:

    “We love, protect, and respect our bodies. We also respect and protect the bodies of others. We do not allow anyone to touch our private parts (except in some very special cases) and we do not touch the private parts of anyone else. If someone touches our private parts or we see or hear that a friend has been touched that way, we tell an adult we trust.”

    Blunt? Yes. Shameful and full of innuendo? No. Appropriate for the classroom? It’s far more appropriate than any discussion of sexual purity in a second-grade classroom.

    What’s the worst that could happen? It’s the same as the ideal result: A child will come forward and report abuse.

    I think Jesus is far more concerned with helping the child victim of sexual abuse than he is worried about the sexual purity of a 10-year-old.

    It’s time to change the discussion right now.

    Coming up in Part II

    The discussion of the sixth commandment and older children (including purity rings, the case of Elizabeth Smart, and why female victims of sexual abuse in the Catholic Church seldom come forward and report)

  • More proof that Jerry Brown got it all wrong: Love Serve Surrender

    When California Governor Jerry Brown vetoed SB 131 —an extension to California’s 2003 civil window that would have allowed victims of child sex abuse to come forward, no matter when they were abused—he cited an age-old (and VERY STALE) argument that we hear often from Catholic bishops: “window laws are unfair.”

    Tell that to the brave sons of Jay Ram. I believe they will disagree.

    When Hawaii passed a civil window in 2012, dozens of children in local Catholic schools and parishes started to come forward. But so did other victims: child victims from the prestigious Kamehameha school who were abused by a school psychiatrist and, most notably, the fostered and adopted sons of Jay Ram.

    Vice News follows the story of Jay Ram in their 29-minute documentary LOVE SERVE SURRENDER. In the film, they follow Jay from his time as a hippy guru in Northern California, to a farmer on the Big Island, to a man on the run in Saipan and Florida. Through it all, he fostered and adopted boys and sexually abused them.

    Jay Ram is on the run. Yet the bishops cry, "Unfair!"
    Jay Ram is on the run. Yet the bishops cry, “Unfair!”

    Now, those boys are coming forward for justice.  And in the process, they are shining a light on a very broken and corrupt system where state social workers and other groups (like Catholic Charities Hawaii) knew there were complaints against Ram, but continued to place boys in his care.

    Yet the bishops cry “unfair” … and in the meantime, allow men like Jay Ram to abuse dozens more children across the globe. Pretty shameful, if you ask me.

    You can watch the full documentary here:

     

     

  • Discussing the Papal “apology” with Reuters

  • Trailer: Documentary exposes Big Island abuser

    Vice News has released a trailer for their upcoming documentary LOVE SERVE SURRENDER.

    The film tells the story of Jay Ram, a former Hilo-area farmer who fostered and adopted boys in California and Hawaii  … and then sexually abused them. Because of Hawaii’s civil window, these boys—now men— have been able to expose Jay and warn others about the threat he poses.

    I was honored to be a part of the film.

     

    The full documentary will be available on Monday.

     

     

  • Gallup judge sets bar date for victims

     

    The bankruptcy judge presiding over the Diocese of Gallup bankruptcy has set an August 11 deadline for victims of abuse in the diocese to come forward and file claims.

    The_chapel_attached_to_the_bishops_residence_in_Gallup_NM_Credit_Carl_Bunderson_CNA_CNA_US_Catholic_News_4_9_13
    Bishop Wall had TONS of money for this private chapel, but can’t seem to figure out much of anything else when it comes to money and sex abuse.

    The Diocese of Gallup filed for bankruptcy protection last year. Why? Well, there were some pretty embarrassing and ugly civil child sex abuse trials coming up. And the last thing Bishop Wall wants is for more documents like those of Clement Hageman to become public. Previously secret diocese documents outlining Hageman’s career as a child sex abuser date back to the 1920s.

    In fact, the Diocese refused to list the names of accused clerics and the number of known victims until AFTER the Chapter 11 filing.

    They also seem to have a difficult time figuring out the worth of what they own.

    From the National Catholic Reporter:

    Another initial subject of dispute was the market value of real estate property in the diocese. When the diocese filed its first financial documents, it listed all its property as having an “unknown” market value. According to Boswell, the diocese had to seek the assistance of county officials in Arizona and New Mexico to determine what parcels of land it owned, and diocesan officials were looking for brokers that could determine the market value of key pieces of real estate.

    Victims who were abused in Gallup only have until August 11, 2014, to come forward. After that date, most victims will no longer have any legal recourse.

    The proof of claim form can be seen here. If you are a victim and are considering filing a claim, it’s probably best to seek legal counsel. Since transparency and disclosure are not high priorities for Bishop Wall, I doubt that victims without representation will be treated fairly.

    But that’s just my opinion.