Category: Child safety

  • Colorado: Refusing to settle for a second rate law

    Colorado: Refusing to settle for a second rate law

    Legislative work can be complicated. Take my word for it. And sometimes the hardest decision to make is the best one: if a law protects predators, it’s not a good law.

    That is what happened in Colorado. And Colorado did the right thing.

    Yesterday, the sponsors of a potential law to help future victims of child sexual abuse decided to pull the bill. The move caused confusion and disappointment among advocacy groups, but the sponsors knew they had a solid reason.

    The pulled bill—Colorado HB 1296—only applied to survivors in the future. That’s called a “prospective” bill. What the bill didn’t do—and what sponsor state Senator Julie Gonzales realized was the essential element—was open the courthouse doors for past victims of abuse.

    Why is this so important?

    A damning report on the cover-up of sexual abuse in Colorado showed that for decades, Catholic Church officials knew that predator priests were targeting kids and did nothing, lied to parents and communities, or helped foster the abuse.

    The Special Masters Report was a bombshell, exposing 70 years of child sexual abuse in the state. Twenty-six new predators were exposed, and another 11 were described, but not named.

    In one of the cases, one of the most prolific Colorado predators—Fr. Harold White—wrote to the Denver archbishop while in treatment after abusing his ~25th victim. He told the archbishop he was considering giving up the priesthood. The archbishop, according to the report, “talked him out of it” (Page 133, ix). Instead, the archbishop sent White to Sterling, Colorado, a farming community on the eastern plains. He went on to abuse at least 38 more children throughout his career.

    White’s story is horrific. But what is worse is what we DON’T know. We don’t know who the 11 unidentified predator priests in the report are.

    We don’t know if there are predators still in ministry.

    We don’t know if there were priests, nuns, volunteers, or teachers removed from ministry or jobs for preying on kids, and then sent into YOUR community with a letter of recommendation and a smile.

    The only way we can find out—and protect children who are at risk RIGHT NOW—is to allow the victims from yesterday to use the courts to expose predators and cover-up.

    The vehicle to do that is called a “civil window,” and Gonzales is pulling her bill until she gets it.

    Do civil windows work?

    Yes.

    Right now (even in the midst of COVID and protests against racial injustice), civil windows are working for victims. New York, New Jersey, Arizona and California currently have active windows, and when the courts are open, dozens of predators (and cover-up) are exposed weekly. Hawaii’s recent civil window exposed dozens and dozens of predators across the state, including at the prestigious Punahou School.

    Many of the accused are still priests or religious or teachers or camp counselors or scout leaders, etc., in schools and communities and still active with children. Even if the predator is dead, the system that protected him/her still thrives.

    If you don’t expose those who cover-up and foster the evil, is there truly change? If survivors cannot expose the abusers among us right now, how are we keeping children any safer?

    A bill that ignores yesterday’s survivors is dangerous and gives a false sense of security to parents and community members. Plus, once a weak bill is passed, legislators seldom, if ever, want to go back and “fix things.”

    To expose predators and cover-up, we need to do it right.

    Colorado’s lawmakers did the hard—and correct—thing. And next year, we will get the bill that saves children, exposes predators, and stops the cover-up.

  • “Can’t you just let it go?”

    “Can’t you just let it go?”

    In my talks to groups, I always try to impress on people how child sexual abuse destroys communities. When a predator undermines family and community bonds to target a child, the ripples of sexual abuse damage radiate farther than the child victim.

    It happened in my case—affecting (and destroying) my family, my peers, and the school community where the abuse was covered-up.

    But I have not seen anything like I saw in this article in the Saint Cloud Times, about my friend, Billy Dinkel.

    He was recently profiled in the St. Cloud Times, but it was this excerpt that grabbed me.

    Billy met or talked by phone with Times’ journalists more than five times in the last year. Reporters examined court records and interviewed Billy’s therapist, wife and many experts in an attempt to corroborate his story. One of his brothers provided a limited interview to the Times, three siblings declined to speak on the record, two other relatives (nephews) declined to comment and several others did not respond to the Times.

    No one contradicted Billy’s story of sexual abuse, nor would anyone comment on the record about who may have known of the abuse as it happened. (emphasis mine)

    In other words: it happened and his family just wants him to stop talking about it.

    Billy won’t stop talking; and he shouldn’t. Telling him things like “Just let it go” or “Forgive and move on” are only tools to perpetuate silence and more abuse.

    May Billy stay loud and may he help ensure that other families and other communities are not destroyed like his were.

  • #MeToo: Making a Movement

    #MeToo: Making a Movement

    Yesterday, I was a featured speaker at UCI Law School’s series on the #MeToo movement.

    Our discussion: Victims of child sexual abuse and sexual assault have been empowered to speak out about what happened to us. But what do we do to change the systemic problem in our institutions that made this abuse and cover-up happen in the first place—and turn MeToo into a movement?

    I shared the podium with Esther Hatfield Miller, fellow survivor, trauma recovery coach, and a long-time friend who is a profound champion for change.

    With Esther Hatfield Miller

    With Professors Jane Stoever, Kaaryn Gustasfson, and Michele Goodwin, the team responsible for the speakers series.

    It was a great discussion. I was honored to be a part of it.

     

  • A note on predatory grooming

    A note on predatory grooming

    “The realization that I had used, willingly and unwillingly, my charm for the wrong reasons.”

    This was a quote from Joseph L. Bishop. He has admitted to “acting inappropriately” (read: sexually assaulting) numerous women during his career in the LDS church.

    It was the use of the word CHARM that got me. He still, at age 85, considers himself quite the catch. But he’s a predator.

    He thinks that what he did was consensual flirting. But it was really predatory grooming and/or downright assault. You can link through above to the whole MormonLeaks recording. It’s caused a huge stink in the LDS Church this past week.

    Grooming

    That—and a presentation by Walter Sipe in my UCI Law Class—got me thinking (again) about predatory grooming. As Walter himself said: it can be one of the more traumatizing things about the abuse. It leads to the irrational questions survivors ask themselves: Why did we go back? Why didn’t we know better? Why did I love him/her?

    It leads to the shame and self-hatred that many victims carry for years.

    If bad enough, this grooming actually compounds the trauma on victims. For a child who is grabbed by a stranger off the street, that child can say, “I fought back.” “I did everything I could.”

    For those who were groomed (especially as teens), they now are faced with the mindf*ck that the abuser hopes to leave: Did I do everything I could? This was my fault, wasn’t it?

    A parable to help put things in perspective

    Walter started with a story that was very enlightening on the grooming dynamic. I decided to take it a step further.

    Come with me, why don’t you?

    Imagine you are a 15-year-old kid in the hospital. Hooked up to tubes and monitors. Mom and Dad aren’t there.

    Then, the REAL Santa Claus comes in the room. He’s totally alive and embodies the spirit of Christmas. When he holds your hand, all you feel is love and warmth. You can SMELL the hot cocoa and Christmas trees. He is surrounded by love and light and stars and holly and reindeer walk in behind him. Not real reindeer, but cool stop-action animated ones like in the Rudolph the Red Nosed Reindeer TV special.

    Santa takes your hand gently, and with a twinkle in his eye, says, “You are going to die. But don’t worry, this doctor here is going to do an operation that will save your life. All you have to do is sign here.”

    The smart-looking doctor behind him is surrounded by experts.

    What do you do?

    You LOVE Santa. And holy crap, you’re gonna die. So of course you sign. He said you are going to die. Santa wouldn’t lie to you. Santa takes care of people.

    When you wake up six hours later, you realize you weren’t going to die and the doctor amputated your arms and legs for no real medical reason. Santa tricked you because he thought it was funny.

    Now for the questions:

    Did you sign the form willingly? Of course you did.

    Did you do it because you loved and trusted Santa? Yep.

    Did you do it because you believed that Santa and the institution of Christmas would never do anything to hurt you? Yes.

    Did you do it because your mom and dad told you your whole childhood to sit on Santa’s lap and trust him with your secrets? Yes.

    But did you give informed consent? No.

    Was this your fault? NO

    You were a child. You were groomed. You were tricked.

    Is anyone going to blame you for the fact that you now have no arms and legs? No. You were a child.

    Were you at fault and should you be ashamed? No.

    It was Santa’s fault. He tricked you into thinking this surgery was okay. He took advantage of you.

    A kid is far more likely to be tricked into believing sexual abuse is okay by an adult they love and trust.

    Changes your view a bit, doesn’t it?