If you are in a situation and things seem odd, they probably are. If you have to be talked into taking yourself or your child places that make you feel “hinky” or uncomfortable, go with that gut feeling that tells you to stay away. Never rationalize yourself or your child into danger.
As the commercials say: Most of your immune system lives in your gut. When it tries to tell you something, listen.
Maybe it’s trying to protect you from more than germs.
Bishops are very quick divert attention from their role in the cover-up of sex abuse by pointing fingers at public schools, where there is another, very real child sex abuse crisis.
But why haven’t the bishops helped to publicly fund or support any legislation that helps victims in public schools? Why haven’t they spoken out against the unions, who have put millions of dollars into defeating legislation that would protect children in public schools?
And why do they try and divide the victims’ movement by pitting survivors against each other?
It’s simple: they don’t care about stopping abuse. It’s just lip service. They only care about silencing victims—all victims, no matter the abuser. The bishops will do everything to keep the lid on sex abuse in public schools, because once you start peeling the layers of the onion …
Every once in a while, I catch myself wondering why the child sex abuse awareness movement (especially in the Catholic Church) has never elicited support from Hollywood A-listers.
Her immensely brave open letter in the New York Times is raw. She openly accuses Woody Allen and gives details of the abuse. But she goes a step further, naming the Hollywood A-Listers who continue to support Allen.
(Although Allen has not been found guilty in a court of law, he has been accused of abuse by one of his children, and went on to marry his step-daughter.)
The sense of betrayal that Farrow expresses is a universal theme for victims of child sexual abuse. The crime of abuse is horrific enough for a child, but when adults whom the child loves and respects side with the abuser, it is devastating. It drives the victim into a world of shame and silence. I know that feeling first hand.
I also know another feeling that Farrow describes—the sheer disgust as she watches Hollywood elites fawn over Allen, his movies and his continued award nominations. No one in Hollywood will publicly stand up for Farrow, just like no one in Hollywood stood up for the victim of Roman Polanski. Just like no one at Adrian College will stand up for me and the other victims of Thomas Hodgman.
So, now do we do?
We have a call to action—We need to change how we deal with victims of sexual abuse.
1) If you know victims of abuse (and you do), tell them that you love and support them. Tell them you believe them.
2) If you can help a victim report to the police, do it.
3) Open up communication with your children and family members about abuse. Don’t shroud discussions of sex or abuse with shame.
4) Write your legislators about changing laws dealing with child sex crimes. Three bills in California (two dealing with statutes of limitation and another dealing with training reporters) need support.
5) Don’t give your money or allegiance to organizations who engage in legal battles with victims in order to hide abuse and cover-up. The Archdiocese of Los Angeles spent millions trying to keep their crimes secret. So did the Archdiocese of Chicago and the Diocese of Orange. Publicly admonish those who covered up abuse.
6) Don’t go to Woody Allen movies. Go a step further and don’t support any actor or studio affiliated with Allen.
7) Raise children who are well-armored against abuse. My upcoming book can help you get started. The proposal is done and we are currently looking for an agent/publisher. If you want more information or know a contact who would be interested, email me.
I could tell exactly what kind of person she was when she started wagging her finger at me. She was mean.
I hate finger-waggers. My dearly departed cat had the perfect reaction: If I ever wagged a finger at him, he’d attack (playfully, of course. But it was still an attack). Even my sister, as a super-wise 10-year-old, told me at age five, “You may be pointing one finger at me, but you’re pointing three fingers at yourself.”
Eric Holtan – The Tucson Triple Threat: Conductor, Executive Director, Convicted Child Sex Offender
I met a lovely family and a few nice parishioners who were anxious to talk. One women told me that her daughter had been molested as a child by a choir director. We hugged, sharing our mutual loss. I also learned that most of the families at the church only learned about Holtan’s conviction the day before, when they received a letter from the pastor in anticipation of my visit. If I had never raised the issue, would church members still be in the dark?
There were critics, too. There was the man who simply told me, “Eric is my friend. I don’t care what you say.” He was followed by people who politely declined to talk to me, saying that they knew and loved and accepted Eric for what he was.
Cue Wicked Witch of the West music
There she was. The finger-wagger. She was late-middle-aged and drove a well-worn brown minivan. And she came right to me, finger wagging like a dog’s tail at an all-you-can-eat kibble buffet.
“You came to the wrong woman, young lady!” she said. “I know all about Eric and you have it all wrong. It was consensual.”
Nice, I thought. She continued.
“That girl, you know, the one who said she was a victim? She wanted it. My son was a young teacher, and he said that the girls would throw themselves all over him. That girl wanted it and she wanted to hurt Eric when things were over between them. Eric fell, but it’s not a crime. My son thinks so, too.”
“Ma’am,” I said in the nicest tone I could muster, all the while swallowing bile. “He was convicted of molesting two of his high school students. He admitted it and pled guilty. You weren’t there. You should get more info …”
She cut me off, “Were YOU there? Of course not. All you want to do is sully the name of a good man because those girls were all over him. They should have known better. Besides, he only deals with the adult choir. I am calling the POLICE.”
The finger? Still wagging. I could even feel a slight breeze in its wake. I thought about biting her a la my cat, but common sense got the better of me. She walked off in a huff, apparently looking for the closest phone so that she could call the SWAT team.
She left a little cloud of desert dust behind her. The Wicked Witch of the West music slowly faded. And I thought about everything that could have been said.
I wanted to tell her: I know what it’s like to be molested by your choir director. How the man who directs the choir—and hands out the solos, makes you dig deep for emotion, helps you embrace your art, nurtures your talent, and helps you fill your soul for the first time in your young life—has an ultimate power over you. I know what it’s like to have a simple girlhood crush on a teacher (every girl has had one) and have that teacher twist it into ugly and grotesque abuse. I wanted to tell her: I think your son is hiding something. When my ex-husband was a substitute teacher, he was the subject of many a girlhood crush. But he did the right thing. He kept strong boundaries, understood his position, and most importantly, he saw the that girls were CHILDREN.
I wanted to tell her: You say that the girls “wanted it.” My four-year-old son wanted a machine gun. I said no. Eric Holtan should have also said no. The damage is the same. These girls were not mature enough to drive. Yet you say they are mature enough to fight grooming and molestation by a 30-year-old man who holds their futures and their art in his grip?
I wanted to tell her: I am 43. I am still grappling with what happened to me. Coming here today was one of the most difficult things I have done in years. Because of the emotions I am dealing with, I can’t sing anymore. I am sick to my stomach and the hole in my soul from losing my innocence and my art is overwhelming. But I came here today because Eric Holtan’s victims are worth it. The children in this church are worth it. Even you are worth it.
I wanted to tell her: You say he only deals with the adult choir. But every teen in that church wants to sing in the adult choir, not with the kids. Every teen in that church looks at Holtan and wants to sing in the Tucson Chamber Artists. They go to the TCA concerts, because they are advertised at church. They admire him. They want to learn from him. He inspires them to pursue music in college. But they don’t know the danger, because the church leaders won’t tell them.
What did I really tell her?
“I am so, so sorry.” I told it to her back as she waddled away. But for some reason, I felt better. So what if I didn’t say these things out loud? She wouldn’t have listened. I said it to myself-the person who needed to hear it the most. And I believed all of it.
I thought I was there to stick up for Holtan’s victims. But I was really there to stick up for me.
I am super-duper excited to announce my next book project:
Raising the Armored Kid: A victim and advocate gives you the tools to help your children stay safe from sexual abuse (working title)
This easy-to-read, easy-to-use book will teach parents, caregivers and loved ones common sense strategies that will help children stay safe from child sexual abuse. I include age-specific tools to empower children—from toddlers to adults—and repel predators.
But that is only part of the book. I also explain predatory behaviors such as grooming, give insight into institutional cover-up of abuse, and show how something as simple as changing a parenting style can make the difference in your child’s safety.
Why this book?
I thought back to the more than 10+ years of conversations I have had about my work as an advocate for adult victims of child sexual abuse. The dialogue is always the same: They ask me what I do. I tell them. They ooh and ahh for a minute. Then every parent ASKS THE SAME QUESTION:
“Gosh, what can I do to make sure that it doesn’t happen to my kid?”
That’s when I realized that there is no easy-to-read “toolkit” type of book for parents when it comes to preventing child sexual abuse.There are websites here and there, but most are written by academics who have never been “in the trenches” with abuse victims. Information is difficult or impossible to find on important topics such as grooming, parenting styles, and institutional rot.
Somebody needed to write this book. But who?
Then I realized—that person is me. I am a victim with a powerful and relevant story to tell. I am a parent. I have worked with more than 1,000 victims of child sexual abuse, read the depositions of hundreds of predators, and work closely with advocates, educators and leaders in the field. I’ve been in the trenches, and it’s time for me to use that knowledge to help stop the cycle.
If you don’t need this book, you love someone who does.
