Category: About me

• I am not your friend (either in the real world or in social media), because I agree with all of your beliefs. I am your friend because I DON’T. And that is magic.
• Our differing beliefs make you interesting, challenge me to stretch my thinking, and make my life fuller.
• When someone wishes you Merry Christmas, Happy Hanukkah, Joyous Kwanzaa or Blessed Ramadan, don’t be disgusted, uncomfortable or insulted. That person is not trying to convert you, impose a belief structure, or propagate a “dominant patriarchal culture” that “suppresses the minority.” Instead, be elated and consider yourself blessed that someone would share the joy of her holiday. We could all benefit from some good wishes, even if we don’t all believe in the same God, or any god at all.
• Wish others the goodness of your holiday or the blessings of the season. Don’t censor yourself.
• Don’t be ashamed of your faith, or the fact that your atheist, secular life is full of love and happiness.
• Don’t call names. Whether it’s a racial slur, terms like “liberal-tard”, “tea-bagger,” “bigot,” “racist”, “idiot”, or “asshole.” Remember: We don’t let our children name-call. We shouldn’t do it either. Being hurtful doesn’t foster social change, personal happiness or compromise.
• If someone says something you don’t like, instead of lashing out (see “name-calling” entry above), just say, “I don’t understand.” Say it calmly and with care. Start a discussion. Leave your anger at the door. You both might learn something.
• Don’t call people names because of their religious beliefs or political views. Don’t vilify them in social media. It just causes problems, hurts feelings, and marginalizes people. Instead, show positive action in your community. More people will listen and you will enact real change.
• Give ‘til it hurts. Then keep giving.
• Be nice to yourself.
• It’s okay to feel guilty if you have done something wrong, but try to kick shame out the door. You deserve better.
• Don’t underestimate the value of hard work. Don’t vilify and condemn those who have financially rewarded from it—just like you don’t vilify those who have not. Instead, live a life of example. If you are doubly-blessed, give to someone who is doubly hurt.
• Work hard.
• No government program will give you self-esteem. You have to find that on the inside. You are surrounded by people who can help you. Even if you can’t see them.
• You are never totally alone.
• Forgive.
• When someone shouts hatred at you, just smile and say, “I’m so sorry.” You are, just not for the reason the shouter thinks.
• Hold religious and political leaders to the highest account. Cut your friends a break once in a while.
• Make your children follow the rules. A child who knows her boundaries is a happy child—one who learns how to create her own proper boundaries as she grows.
• Let your children fail. Otherwise, they will never know when they succeed.
• Understand that depression and suicidal feelings are crippling. Love those who are hurting—don’t judge them.
• Remember that love and acceptance come from the oddest of places.
• Ask questions, even when you already know the answer.
• Don’t shout over people. It won’t convince anyone that you are right.
• Don’t assume that your position is always right. Isn’t it interesting that many of the greatest, smartest people in the world were the most humble and the most willing to hear and acknowledge opposing views? 
• Remember: people who always think they are right are generally not well-liked. They are tolerated, appeased, pitied and usually … lonely.
• Remember that Lincoln was a Republican and George Wallace was a Democrat.
• Don’t deny anyone the right to love and be acknowledged. Don’t deny marriage to adults who love each other.
• Don’t try to silence anyone, because one day, you may be the person who is being silenced. Our country’s greatness relies upon a myriad of beliefs and the compromises we make for liberty.
• Be nice to people. Don’t beat up on the weak. If you have hurt someone, be accountable and make amends.
• Don’t choose to sequester yourself or cloud your vision because of the color of your skin, the color of your politics, or the color of your flag. You can do and be anything you want to be. You are perfect. Hard work, love and tenacity will get your farther than anger, self-loathing, hatred, or thoughts of defeat.
• Don’t be a bully. Bullies suck.
• Laugh. A lot.
• Be honest, but don’t be boastful.

And most importantly: CHOOSE TO NOT BE OFFENDED. It changed my like. You will be so much happier. So will everyone around you. 

May your 2014 be joyous.

It’s too easy to forget that many memories are magic and that a entire lifetime of love can come from something as simple as a Santa Ana neighborhood.

This morning, my dad and I went to the funeral of Larkin Bean. He’s the kid in the brown shirt smack in the middle of the front row of the photo below. I’m the baby. Other kids in the photo include Vicky Bruce (the mastermind behind The Worthy Adversary), Larkin’s sisters Hillary and Victoria, my sister Jennifer, the Gallivan kids, and Jim Croal.

Of the kids in this photo, four of us were at the funeral today. The parents of every other child, except for two (one set of parents have already passed) were also there. I knew most of the faces in the funeral chapel and was able to hug and connect with everyone I knew. Some I had not seen in more than 20 years.

At the reception afterward, Larkin’s mother Jeanette came up to my dad, held him tightly, and said, “John, you are my oldest and best friend.” My dad quietly smiled, because it was true. They met the first day of the second grade at St. Joseph’s School in Santa Ana almost seven decades ago. As adults, they lived just a few blocks from each other, allowing their children to share their lives. Watching my dad and Jeanette’s 75-year-old faces as they spoke to each other, I saw the 7 year olds they once were. It was magic.

Spending time with everyone, especially Larkin’s sisters, and being surrounded by such love, history, and compassion, reminded me of something that I am too quick to forget: For all of the bad that we experience and remember, we must also remember the magic of a day at Disneyland in 1972. We must remember the magic that keeps us together before the untimely death of someone we love. I must remember how my father and Jeanette magically transformed into the second graders who became best and fast friends. I need to look at this photo and appreciate how blessed I am still in contact with most of the kids surrounding me.

Larkin was a sap for the old stories and remembered everything that happened in the neighborhood. He reminded me of things that I had forgotten and told me stories about my mom that made me smile. He didn’t need to be reminded of the magic. He remembered the magic and relished it. And he let us share it.

Maybe that was his gift to all of us.