The Worthy Adversary

Author: Joelle Casteix

  • What we can learn from the LeTourneau interview

     

    Barbara Walters’ interview with convicted child molester Mary Kay LeTourneau and her once-victim-now-husband Vili Fualaau was gut wrenching. The romanticization of the abuse was awful enough. But giving a woman like LeTourneau a platform to justify what she did is reprehensible.

    Being outraged or upset about the interview doesn’t help anyone. But talking about her predatory patterns can help keep children safer. The more we understand how she thinks, the more we can see her behavioral patterns in other people who may abuse or try to abuse children.

    1) Mary Kay LeTourneau is a narcissist. It’s all about her. LeTourneau wants to get off of the sex offender registry because she feels like she has “served her time” for what she still believes is a “love affair” with a 13-year-old boy. Predators tend to be narcissists, with very limited understanding of boundaries. According to the narcissist, the child “comes on to them” and “the predator is the real victim.” This also traps the victim, who believes that the abuse was his/her fault or that they are “hurting” the predator by reporting or refusing. In my opinion, Fualaau is trapped and blames himself. LeTourneau groomed Fualaau and sexually abused him. Period.

    She should and must remain a registered sex offender, just like a man convicted of the same crimes.

    2) She got a pass because she is a woman predator. Yes, she was convicted. But Barbara Walters would never have interviewed a predator who married a victim if the predator were male. Walters and ABC have no comprehension of the damage LeTourneau has done. (Speaking of networks perpetuating the “hot for teacher” stereotype, we can look at Saturday Night Live’s skit this weekend where a male victim of child sexual abuse by a woman is portrayed as the luckiest kid around.)

    3) She minimized what she did to Vili. LeTourneau called it love. The courts and society call it child sexual abuse. When she was out on parole, the first thing she did was find the boy and sexually abuse him again. Predators often minimize their crimes in order to divert attention, thwart reporting, and manipulate the victim.

    From the People Magazine story on the interview:

    When asked whether she felt “guilty” or “disgusted” with herself for having an affair with Fualaau, Letourneau replied, “I loved him very much, and I kind of thought, ‘Why can’t it ever just be a kiss?’ “

    Hey, Mary Kay: even the kiss was abuse. Why were you ever alone with him late at night in the first place?

    4) She isolated Vili from his peers and family. One of the first things that predators do when grooming a child is to isolate the child from his or her peers and family. That way, the victim must rely totally on the abuser for compassion and emotional support. Vili said it himself. From People:

    Not having a strong support system when Letourneau became pregnant with his children was the hardest part.

    “It was a huge change in my life, for sure. I don’t feel like I had the right support or the right help behind me,” he said. “From my family, from anyone in general. I mean, my friends couldn’t help me because they had no idea what, what it was like to be a parent, I mean, because we were all 14, 15.”

    But we all know that the isolation started long before that. Once he was the father of her children, he could never escape her.

    5) She does not believe that she damaged him. 

    From People:

    Fualaau confessed in the 20/20 interview that he struggled with depression during this “dark time” and the years that followed.

    “I’m surprised I’m still alive today,” he said. “I went through a really dark time.”

    The damage was caused by what LeTourneau did. But she is incapable of understanding that.

    So what have we learned? Predators are narcissists. They minimize crimes. They isolate their victims from friends and family (physically and emotionally). And yes, they can be women.

    Wringing our hands and being outraged isn’t going to do anything. The interview is finished and the damage is done. But we can take the interview and use it to protect children and educate and empower ourselves. We can also work towards extended civil and criminal statutes of limitations for child sex crimes so that what happened to Vili doesn’t happen to another child.

    If you see any of LeTourneau’s behaviors in adults who are spending time with your children, intervene immediately, talk to your children, and report. Don’t know who to call? Start with the National Child Abuse Hotline at 1-800-4ACHILD. Trained crisis operators will take your call and help you determine your next steps.

     

     

     

  • Today’s interview on KFI’s Bill Carroll Show

     

    This morning I spoke with KFI 640 AM’s Bill Carroll about my new book, child sex abuse and cover-up, and why we are seeing more female teachers being arrested for sexually abusing boys.

    It was a great conversation—covering everything from internet safety to the importance of civil and criminal laws that protect kids and expose abuse.

     

  • Oh, how quickly we forget, or: How the OC Register gave Bishop Vann a pass

    So printing a brochure is what passes as “help[ing] the healing process.”

    This past Sunday, the Orange County Register published a front page story on Orange Bishop Kevin Vann. The focus of the article was a profile of the new-ish bishop and his views on the meaning of Easter. But what the article actually said was far more pernicious.

    This is what got me:

    ‘The bishop also doesn’t shrink away from the molestation scandals. English, Spanish and Vietnamese leaflets sit in the administration building’s lobby detailing the diocese’s pledge, “To do everything possible to help the healing process of the victims of sexual abuse.”’

    What? Really? You’ve got to be kidding me.

    I can tell you this: a brochure never helped a survivor heal.

    As we reach the 10-year anniversary of the 2005 settlement with 97 child sex abuse victims and the subsequent release of documents that outlined the scope and scale of the cover-up, we can argue that Vann’s actions have only exacerbated the pain and frustration of survivors, who want nothing more than for wrong-doers to be punished.

    Some examples:

    • In the time that Vann has been Bishop, he has never asked for any kind of formal or informal meetings with survivors. He has also not proactively reached out for any kind of communication.
    • The administrators of Mater Dei High School (Patrick Murphy and Frances Claire) have retained their positions, although it has been shown that they allowed abusers like Jeff Andrade to return to campus (after he admitted to sexually abusing students). 

    I anticipate the response of the Register was “Well, this is old news.” But I will tell you this: it is not old news to victims. It is not old news to their families. And it most certainly should not be old news to Vann, who should be using his tenure to push out abusers and their enablers, instead of shrugging his shoulders and depending on media fatigue to give him a cover for doing NOTHING.

    The passage of time does not give Vann a “free pass”

    And, of course, this has nothing to do with “forgiveness.” The reasons that victims come forward are for accountability and to ensure that children are kept safer from abuse. Vann is not holding up his side of the bargain. It’s criminal that victims are expected to walk away with a pat on the head. That’s not why they have fought so hard.

    If a brochure inside of an office (where many victims are afraid to go) is considered proactive, then it’s time for us to reassess what we expect from religious leaders who take millions of tax-free dollars in donations, grants, and municipal bonds (!!) to construct their buildings and fill their coffers.

  • Bullying prevention workshop April 29

    Remember: Bullying is abuse. It’s a crime of power, just like child sexual abuse. I hope you can join us in Costa Mesa, CA this April 29.
    3.27.15_Darcy Fehringer Flyer_r2-page-001

  • When the sheep smell a rat: A message on Zero Tolerance

    In his Holy Thursday message, Pope Francis told priests to embrace a “good and healthy” tiredness by spending engaged time with the faithful and doing the “real work” of a priest.

    From Reuters:

    The faithful never leave us without something to do, unless we hide in our offices or go out in our cars wearing sun glasses. There is a good and healthy tiredness. It is the exhaustion of the priest who wears the smell of the sheep… but also smiles the smile of a father rejoicing in his children or grandchildren. (emphasis mine)

    But what about the faithful in southern Chile, who are upset about the appointment of their new bishop—a man who has been accused of not only covering up abuse, but actually witnessing the sexual abuse of children?

    That bishop, Juan Barros, according to the AP,

    … is said by at least three victims to have witnessed the sexual molestation at the Sacred Heart of Jesus church, part of the El Bosque parish that serves an affluent neighborhood of Santiago.

    Allegations are so bad (and include extensive cover-up of a serial molester priest), that Barros’ January appointment (he took office in March) has stirred international outrage. Anger is so great in Chile, that Chilean Catholics and government officials have begged Rome to rescind the appointment.

    The sheep—in this case—smell a rat …

    Rome has not responded.

    Hear that? Pope Francis turned his back on Zero Tolerance.

    Barros is not alone. Remember: Robert Finn is STILL in his position in Kansas City/St. Joseph, even though he has that pesky child endangerment conviction. And Rome has not responded with anything more than a secret review.

    Hear that? Pope Francis turned his back on Zero Tolerance.

    Zero Tolerance is simply that: the promise to NOT tolerate anyone who abuses children or covers up for the abuse of children. You can’t remove some bishops and keep others. You can’t engage in long, secret reviews that keep people like Barros and Finn in their jobs. Because if you excuse them, you have to excuse everyone who hurts children.

    If you tolerate anyone who has abused or covered-up abuse, you have turned your back on Zero Tolerance. And there is no excuse for that.

    So here are my Easter messages: Put children and victims first. Punish people who hurt children and cover-up crimes. Don’t fall victim to Pope Francis’ clever PR machine. All of the washed feet in the world don’t make up for one sexually abused child.