A Parenting Revelation: It’s Time To Stop Punishing Tattletales
Here’s a parenting question: Do you know what we can do right now to empower our kids, help prevent sexual abuse, hinder bullies, put criminals behind bars and foster corporate and organizational transparency?
The Answer: We have to stop punishing our tattletales.
A Little Background
I spend most of my afternoons watching the neighborhood kids play in the common area of our condominium complex. My son is only four years old, and like most four-year-olds, he shouldn’t be allowed to play in an open area without at least one adult there to supervise him. I don’t manage his play or boss him around – I’m just there to make sure he doesn’t try to teach the cat to ride a skateboard or climb the tree with pencil-thin branches. Basically, my job is to monitor.
Enter: The Tattletale. Every day, at least once, one of the kids (ages 3-12) comes up to me and tattles on my son or one of the other kids: “He called me a name.” “She won’t share.” “He’s crying.” “They were hitting.” The kids tell me because they need my help to solve a problem. It is my job as a parent and an adult to get to the root of the problem, so the kids get back to the business of playing.
What makes me different from many other parents? I refuse to punish the messenger. I simply can’t shame a child for coming to me and reporting wrongdoing. I thank them for trusting me enough to tell me the truth and reporting bad behavior.
These kids – the tattlers – aren’t lying. They aren’t “setting up” their peers. They just want to play and they don’t want naughty behavior to ruin it. Kids just want their peers to know that everyone needs to be nice, behave in a positive manner, and cooperate. These kids – the tattlers – are setting the bar, and setting it high. And they are being transparent about it.
It goes against everything I believe to tell a tattler, “Both of you are in trouble: Little Johnny for hitting and little Sally for telling.”
Why? Because when we punish tattletales, we are teaching our children to turn a blind eye to wrongdoing. We are teaching them that reporting wrongdoing is just as bad as committing the crime.
In fact, I don’t call it tattling anymore. I call it “mandatory reporting.”
Tattling Isn’t Bad
I have asked a couple of adults I know why they punish their tattletales. I make sure to stress that the tattletale is telling the truth and just wants to report behavior that is wrong. Their response: “Because tattling is wrong. No one likes a tattletale.”
So the rationale becomes: if you report wrongdoing, no one will like you.
Is that what we want our kids to take into adulthood?
In fact, I know firsthand that the opposite is true. When my son plays with the local “mandatory reporter,” everyone plays nicely because they know that bad behavior will be punished. There are no secrets and no ultimatums (“Do as I say or I’ll tell”) because if there is bad behavior, someone is going to tell an adult. Period. No bargaining allowed.
Even better, the mandatory reporter in our neighborhood is spunky, funny, popular and nice. She’s a good, smart, moral kid who can talk easily to children and adults. Everyone likes her. Especially me.
And I don’t think she should be punished for letting me know that I need to intervene. That’s why I am there. It’s my job to help the kids.
Transparency Protects Kids
For those of you who don’t know me, I am an advocate and activist for adults who were sexually abused as children. In addition, I help train parents and teachers on recognizing sings of abuse, reporting abuse, and raising empowered children who are less likely to be abused. I am also a victim of childhood sexual abuse, and I can’t sit idly and let what happened to me happen to another child. A huge part of my job is telling people that we need to raise our children in a world of no secrets.
Childhood sexual abuse, bullying, and other crimes that plague our children thrive in secrecy. They thrive in a world where kids are scared to talk to an adult. They thrive in a world where “tattletales” are punished. Predators thrive because we were programmed as children to believe that tattling is wrong, even though we don’t rationally know why. The sex abuse crisis in the Catholic Church is a perfect example.
If we tell our kids not to tattle on their peers, how are they able to differentiate one, two or five years later when they learn that a friend is being sexually abused? Or they see a peer beating up another child? Or they know a child who is responsible for cyber-bullying a classmate? Is that tattling, too? How do they know the difference? It’s simple: They don’t.
Bullies know that they can threaten kids into silence by saying, “You’ll just get in trouble for telling on me.” Remember, a 13- or 14-year-old does not have adult powers of reason. To a child or teen, “telling on” someone– no matter the crime – is tattling.
Parents may argue, “Well, my kid knows the difference and would tell me.” But I disagree. If you punish your child for tattling on the 5-year-old neighbor kid who hit his friend, you’ve already laid the groundwork. You’ve told your child that turning a blind eye to wrongdoing is more admirable than transparency. You’re telling your child that if she reports abuse – whether she was a victim or a witness – she will be punished.
As a part of my job, I give presentations all over the country about protecting kids. Almost every time, a teen or young adult approaches me and says, “I have friends who were abused, but I couldn’t tell anyone, because I didn’t want to tattle.”
Think it stops there? Think again. One of the toughest parts of my job is convincing mandatory reporters that they have to report SUSPECTED abuse. Mandatory reporters stay silent because are afraid that they will get punished or that they may get an innocent person into trouble. What I have to stress is that the system of reporting SUSPECTED abuse understands that it’s just SUSPECTED … and they need to report, even if an investigation proves that their suspicions were wrong. I am lucky to get people to report when they witnessed abuse … or when they discover child abuse images (child porn) … or when a child tells them they are being hurt.
The ramifications of our reticence to report crimes are widespread. Why do you think we have to have “whistleblower protection” laws to make sure that people who report wrongdoing aren’t subject to retaliation?
Add to that the myriad of problems in politics, unions, clubs, communities, and other organizations/movements/beliefs. People witness crimes in these arenas all of the time, yet they are scared to report even if they are victimized or witnessed the crime. Why? They grew up being taught that it’s wrong to tattle on their friends.
If you need anymore proof, look at your saving account or the value of your home. We ended up with a banking scandal because people believed “it was not my place” to report the crimes of their co-workers. We ended up with widespread mortgage fraud because thousands of people said nothing because they were taught that silence was more admirable than protecting the innocent.
It’s really not that much of a stretch.
Joelle, I am stunned. I couldn’t appreciate more or embellesh what you have written. What you have written says it all. Exposing bad behavior to cut it off in the bud is what it is all about. Thank you. I’m copying this and putting it in my memory file.
The last comment regarding this article was posted May 2011..we need to do more to get the word out. We need a movement across this country. We need to do something to protect our children and give them the tools they need to help themselves. We need to be less defensive about the playground tattletales…we need to LISTEN..to our children. Talk about this to ever family you know. Send it to everyone in you address book. Look what happened at Penn State University. It’s happening everyday somewhere.
Very timely article as we watch 2 really big sexual abuse stories playing out in the news.
The ” maid” who “told” on the world famous french figure that he assaulted her.
She has become the example of what happens to women who tell.
they are attacked by the defense attorneys and our legal justice system that gives all the rights to the alleged abuser yet allows that alleged abuser and his or her team the right to try to blame the accuser try to trash her or him in front of the world etc.
Another story of tattletales are the women who came forward during Arnold Schwartznegier’s election campaign and said that he was a molestor.. look what happened there.. His wife minimized and tried to negate these very activities that most likely are responsible for the birth of his son by his “maid”.. makes one wonder if she also was a victim of his molest/assaults and because of her situation stayed silent and or told and was bought off by arnold and or his wife or both to keep silent.
the world stage right now is playing out these types of things because we have to deal with it.
you are right.. training our children to do right is a key
the other would be untraining the adults to do wrong.
unfortuantley catholic brainwashing is one of the roots of all this insanity and dysfunction.
YOU ARE MY HERO! I was participating in a parenting forum and a mother asked if she should allow her 18 month old who was taking toys and hitting another 18 month old to “just work it out.” Are you kidding me?
This should be required reading for every parent and every teacher!
Thank you, Linda! Feel free to share the link!!
This is my very favorite article ever.
I hate secrets, they kill people.
This article brings to mind so many thoughts, like the time my now adult cousin finally told her mom that she had been raped by a janitor at their store, only to hear these words come from her own mom’s mouth: “For gosh sakes don’t tell anyone”.. Those words did more harm to my cousin than the actual rape.
..And the times when I was growing up, the oldest of 11 kids. There were so many times that I spoke up because something happened that did not feel right to me, but yet I got slapped in the mouth every time. Being the oldest, I must have worried and tried to be the “mandatory reporter” but I was taught that was not a good thing.
..And then there was the time, when a nine year little old boy had been violently raped by 2 religious brothers and then that boy told only his best friend about it. Oh his best friend kept his secret for years even until he died in an accident. That nine year old boy, who was now in his 40′s had been hitting bottom for so long with drugs and alcohol, that he decided one night that he was going to kill his parents, and blow up the catholic church. If only that friend, (the messenger) had been taught to tattle, he might have spared this victim and his parents so much pain.
..But most of all, thousands and thousands of kids who were sexually abused by the parish priest, at which the priest would tell that kid to ‘not tell anyone’. If only kids had been taught that tattling was not a bad thing… That alone might have spared so many more kids from being harmed.
Yes, I have learned, and yes I am a tattletale, and yes, I am proud of it.
To those who still feel it is not their place to tell or to report harmful behavior to someone who can help, please get some guts and stop being afraid, You just might save an innocent life.
Judy Jones,
The “mandatory reporter” who speaks up when someone is being harmed or even when I suspect that someone is being harmed. I will not keep my mouth shut anymore, because I might be called inappropriate ?
Thank you for this wonderfully practical message. I also facilitate prevention education sessions with parents and people who work with children in churches and I look forward to opportunities to share this.
Your use of the term “mandated reporter” is genius. Thanks for the encouragement to speak up. Adults as well as children are often made to feel they are the problem in reporting wrongdoing.
Excellent article. Very, very importantly, children need to know that it is OK to let an adult know when another person is being harmed, and no one is going to punish them. Not easy for any child to do when the adults around them are secretive. Kids see when adults do nothing, and then learn to do nothing because it was behavior modeled in front of them.
In school teachers may say to students, “let me know, it is not tattling to tell me of something if a person is being harmed. Verbal abuse, emotional abuse, physical abuse, sexual abuse is how a person, a child, a baby, a friend, a mom, a dad, an old person, all can be hurt by different forms of abuse, and when one abuse is happening, another form of the abuse is right there happening at the same time. They are not always seperate. They are all hurtful. Sexual abuse is all of them together, and hurts people for a long time.”
Tattling is a very confusing issue for kids. They don’t want to see the harm being done, they don’t always know what to do. Secrets are also confusing to cildren. They need to be taught there is a good secret, like what you get for your birthday, and a bad secret, like someone is hurting you an you do not tell, because you are afraid, and someone hurting you has said they will hurt someone specific if you tell. You are not afraid of birthday presents, you should be afraid if someone has hurt you.
All of this boils down to communication. Sexual abuse will flourish if this culture of invisible children is not brought to light. Thanks for a good article.
Time to stop knowing and not saying when a child is being harmed. It takes courage to keep standing up for a child. Even if people react on reported abuse and help, there is always seemingly someone in the picture who does not quite get how important it is to be vigilant. The taboo involved with sexual abuse forms a barrier so strong that adults who have been trianed to report, and are required by LAW to report, still resist seeing a problem for what it is, and decline to get involved, and decline to report. If it is a school person, that is against the law.
Fortunatley, the education of adults in matters of abuse has increased, and awareness has risen greatly.
Unfortunately, criminals are flourishing because of the easy access to information, and are exploiting technology for their illegal gain. This will never end, but the approach to warding off the effects of crime can change. It is called involvement. As people are more and more insular, and consumed in “self centered” energy, everyone around them is harmed.
Don’t forget, there is big money in drugs and exploitation of people, and it may be worse now than ever before. Children are the victims when they live in a world saturated with crime. Thinking because your family is ok, and safe and warm, is not enough anymore. The drugs their school buddy’s parent takes or sells has an effect on the quality of life on your child. And for tolerating “inappropriate beahvior”, we all pay a price. When one abuse is present, other forms of it are there as well. All are harmful to people.
Joelle,
You are spot on here. Thank you for this timely post and wisdom. I found your blog through SNAP. I have come to know some SNAP leaders through conversations about my story of trying to warn now for about 9 months about a predator pedophile music minister. This man was my youth music minister at Prestonwood Baptist Church in Dallas in the mid 80s. He became a close family friend, even living with my family for a while. I was on the church staff as a youth intern as a college student in 1989 when this minister was fired abrubtly due to credible accusations of sexual abuse by several boys in the church. He was confronted by church staff, including the head pastor at the time, who is still the head pastor today. This offender admitted to the abuse. The church did not report his crimes to the police, just fired him and told him to leave. He packed up that week and moved back to his home state of MS where he is on staff now as music minister of all ages at a church in Clinton, outside of Jackson. He also teaches choir at the local public high school. I have spoken with the school superintendent, head pastor, as well as local law enforcement. Both the school and church have confronted this man, and he admits to the abuse that occurred in Dallas, as well as to abusing a boy in MS that he babysat prior to his job in Dallas. I know that local law enforcement is very concerned and has advised that this minister be fired, yet he remains on staff. The MS pastor and elders told me that they are concerned with protecting this minister’s reputation, as “everyone in the [town] knows [him.] and that “he has the largest church youth choir in the state.” I have even been contacted by this man’s attorney who is a church elder and has heard accounts of the abuse from victims and admission by his client. The attorney asked if I would speak with him to “discuss a resolution.” I said no. The MS pastor has told me that they “feel my pain.” I expressed to them that I am not a victim, but I am doing this as a victims’ advocate to protect children. I have also contacted Prestonwood Baptist to plead that they do the right thing and report these crimes against children that occurred on their watch. Silence has been the response. Recently Christa Brown who founded Stop Baptist Predators posted my story on her blog http://stopbaptistpredators.blogspot.com/2011/04/complicity-in-baptistland.html. Thank you again Joelle and God bless you.
Indeed!
Great article, and spot on!
IMO, the one thing the article didn’t address is when “mandatory reporting” comes with a selfish side goal. The mentality of “If I tell on you, I’ll get ____” The best way to deal with the risk of selfish “mandatory reporting” is to tailor the punishment to not overly benefit the person giving the report.
Don’t punish the messenger, but don’t overly reward the messenger either.
Taking that concept another step, there are kids that use “reporting” as an attack on other kids, not a defense. They’re bullies, but usually not big enough to do the bullying themselves. An uncaring/unattentive adult quickly becomes nothing more than the bully’s hired goon
The bullies usually aren’t noticeable right away. Adults need to pay attention. If you’re paying attention to how the kid acts when giving the “mandatory report”, and especially when you are acting on the information he/she gives you, an anti-bully adult can identify the bully within 2-3 “reports”
The way you fight against the bully is to make it very clear to them that you know what they are. When a bully tells you about someone’s misdeeds, don’t be afraid to ask questions. Get the whole picture from the messenger and from the accused. Sometimes, the messenger is actually the guilty one.
If the accused is the guilty one, work on making sure the punishment against those they report on does not benefit the bully at all. I also work with the bully’s target to help avoid being a victim of the bully again by suggesting methods similar to the corporate “Cover Your Butt” mentality
If you can do all of this in a way that is clear to the bully (they’ll be paying attention very closely), they’ll catch on, and will likely lessen or even stop being bullies altogether
What a very commonsensical article. And so very topical here in Ireland following so many reports into the abuse, both physical and sexual, of children by the Church and State. There is still resistance from some quarters into mandatory reporting of suspected child abuse. We thought we had the Church onside on the issue but with the recent publication of the Cloyne Report we find there are still reprobates in the Church willing to shelter abusers and hide the abuses. There is even speculation that legislation will be enacted requiring all reports of abuse to be reported – even if these happen in the confession box.
The Roman Catholic Primate of All Ireland, Cardinal Sean Brady, is resisting this. Brady is the guy who forced children, who had been raped by Fr. Brendan Smyth, to take Oaths of Secrecy in 1975. Here is the Oath he forced these children to take:
“” I will never directly or indirectly, by means of a nod, or of a word, by writing, or in any other way, and under whatever type of pretext, even for the most urgent and most serious cause (even) for the purpose of a greater good, commit anything against this fidelity to the secret, unless a dispensation has been expressly given to me by the Supreme Pontiff. “”"
The result of this oath was that Fr. Brendan Smyth was allowed to continue his rapacious reign for two more decades – aided without any doubt whatsoever by Cardinal Brady!
Thank you again for this article.
What do you do when you as a adult tell on a child for wrong doing when you are in charge of the child and the parent calls me a snitch to my daughter behind my back, and then calls the son and ask him if he lied to me and didn’t do what I asked him to do. And when he says yes he lied the Mom tells him to just make something up and say he misunderstood me.
I am forwarding this article to my son’s teacher. He was told that he was “tattletaling like a kindergartener” when he reported that another kid was picking on him, including kicking and punching. He did not tell me, but in fact told his older sister because he is afraid to tell any adult anything now. That bi*** is going down – I am beyond furious.
I periodically remind my kids that there’s a difference between “tattling” in order to get someone into trouble and asking for help, either for themselves or for another person. It’s always OK to ask for help, and if you aren’t sure, ask (report it) anyway. I do think children need to be taught not to be gossips, and getting someone into trouble just because you are annoyed with them is a no-no. I deal with petty tattling by saying “It doesn’t matter who did it/started it, what matters is that we all help it not to happen again.” (We use nonpunitive discipline ie focusing on solutions rather than retribution – and yes that can include “tough” solutions!) However, I totally agree that children need to be encouraged to report anything they feel uncomfortable about.
Thank you so much for this article, I completely agree with this. My husband and I tell our children all the time that we keep no secrets so when they are telling us that something is going on we have to act on it and let them know we will listen. We are parents, that is our job.
Your story really resonates with me, because when I would “tattle” to her about my younger sibling’s bad behavior or those of the neighbor kids, she would always tell me exactly, “No one likes a tattletale.” And now, from reading your post, I do realize it’s made a big impression on me in my life, and how I handle myself.
I would just like to add one point of observation I had as a child and would get the “No one likes a tattletale” line: it was always given when my Mother was busy. For instance, when my brother and I, or the neighborhood kids, were already up and playing at an early hour in the morning, while my parents were still in bed. Or if my Mom was entertaining company (and usually I was playing with the other children of her company), or if it was late in the evening, and she was sitting down and watching TV. Her lack of desire to intervene correlated directly to being in a state where she was tired, or busy, and didn’t want to be called on to DO SOMETHING. “Tattling” put a burden on her to have to do something about a problem during a time when she didn’t want to, so “no one likes a tattletale” was a way of passing the buck, or deflecting the problem, when she wasn’t in the mood to deal with it herself.
You still see that in our dealings as adults. “Tattling” to your manager or boss, for example, puts a burden on them to “DO SOMETHING” about a problem, and if they don’t want to be bothered or don’t want to face up to the problem, then they want to shift the blame to the messenger. Which I find loathsome.
Thank you for your post. I hope that many people read it and come to agree with you. Transparency, truth and asking someone more powerful than you for help with a problem are all valuable qualities that we should encourage in our children and in our daily lives, not subvert.
This article hits the nail on the head. Not only have I never taught my own 8 kids that tattling is wrong, I’ve made sure to give equal credibility to both sides of every issue. If someone “talltes,” I get both parties together and get to the bottom of the issue. Also, I’ve never taught my children that they have to listen to and obey every adult. I’ve taught them it does NOT take a village to raise a child, it takes committed parents. When we give kids a voice, with no fear, they will be empowered against abuse.
A friend of mine posted your article on facebook and I’m so glad she did. My husband and I have been discussing what to do about our “mandatory reporter”. When he was very little we taught him to come to us when there was a conflict he couldn’t resolve. As a result he never felt the need to hit, push, or act aggressively with other children. Now, at 4 years old he is the behavior monitor when he’s with his cousins and friends. I have several times been guilty of telling him he didn’t need to tattle. Thanks to all the points you made in this article, I see where I was wrong.
Take care, and thanks again!
Thank you, Amy. After taking a look at ohsosavvymom.com and what you have done there, I am VERY flattered by your compliments.
Great article!! The “tattling” that I don’t want to hear from my kids is when they are trying to get each other into trouble (he kicked the dirt!! She didn’t put away her socks!!) That is my (and I thought other people’s) definition of tattling. It’s hard to believe that a parent would *not* want to know if someone or something is getting hurt! If someone is in danger then it’s not considered tattling in my book.
I hope I am not the only one who sees the distinction between tattling and reporting. I am extremely disappointed in people who would punish a child for telling them about a dangerous or wrong action done by another, but I am also disappointed in anyone who can’t see a difference between reporting and a child who is trying to get an adult to solve their problem for them rather than learning to interact with others and be proactive rather than reactive. Parenting is not black-and-white. Helping kids solve their problems sometimes includes talking to them and helping a kid see how to solve their own problem and NOT always stepping in when on their behalf every time they request it.
I very much agree with this article, and the connection it makes between teaching children not to tattletale and the failure of adults to report extremely unethical behavior at every level of society.
I think the difficulty most parents have is with tendency for kids to “tattletale” in a whiny voice, with the clear intent to try to get another child in trouble. Many adults tend to find this annoying, especially if the complaint appears to be trivial, an outright lie, or a clearly one-sided portrayal of a situation designed to reflect themselves in the best possible light. Even so, I don’t think it is EVER appropriate to say to a child “no one likes a tattletale.” If a child is using a whiny voice, lying, or misrepresenting the situation, then that needs to be dealt with separately. No child should ever be dissuaded from telling an adult about something they witnessed or something they are upset about. They may need to be taught “how” to tell – to be honest about the entire situation, for example – but the act of telling itself should always be encouraged and associated with courage and integrity – and certainly not associated with a loss of popularity. Surely the worst lesson we can teach our children is that being popular – and liked by everyone indiscriminately – is more important than making moral decisions, behaving ethically, or following their conscience.