The Worthy Adversary

Category: armored kid

  • Internet Safety: Five tips for parents

    Internet Safety: Five tips for parents

    The Internet puts the world at your child’s fingertips. With a few clicks of a keyboard, the swipe of a phone, or the tap of a iPod or tablet, your child can bring the beauty of the world to the palm of her hand. Unfortunately, this same power allows your child to invite predators directly into his bedroom.

    Internet_dog

    Online predators target victims who are susceptible to grooming—good kids from good homes, with good parents, and good futures ahead of them. Don’t lull yourself with a false sense of security by thinking, “My kid would never fall prey to someone online.” It can happen and it does happen every day.

    But don’t stress out or immediately throw away everything in your home that receives a wifi signal. There are safe and simple things you can do to make your child a “hard target” for online predators.

    Here are five tips to get you started:

    1) Monitor, monitor, and monitor. 

    Your kids should not have an expectation of privacy when it comes to technology. Make it perfectly clear that you will and do read their texts and emails. Tell them that you will track where they go on the internet, and if you use monitoring software, don’t keep it a secret. Also monitor all social media and know exactly what apps are on your kid’s computer, phone or tablet.

    2) Set house rules and stick to them.

    Some of the rules can and should include:

    • No technology in bedrooms, especially technology with cameras.
    • No cell phones in rooms at night. Not only will this take away opportunity for a predator to engage in “private” conversations with your child, but taking the phone away at night will allow your child to get undistracted sleep.

    3) Understand grooming

    Online grooming is very similar to grooming that occurs in person. And since online grooming takes place at home—maybe even in the child’s room—the victim already has her guard down. She may be more likely to open up to someone online and divulge secrets, impart trust, and fall victim to a predator.

    What are the signs of online grooming?

    • The child is given money or gifts, including cell phones.
    • Flattery and manipulation – The predator may write things like “No one loves you or understands you like I do.” Or they may always side with the child when there is conflict between the child and her parents.
    • Sharing and keeping secrets online
    • Sexualized conversations or sending and receiving nude or sexualized photos.

    If you see any of these things, contact the police.

    4) Remember: Unless you know the person in real life, assume that no one is who they say they are.

    If your child gravitates towards sites like Disney, Nick Jr., and other sites where kids can “talk to their friends,” where do you think that predators who like children will go? Also be careful of multi-player games where your child can play online with people he or she does not know.

    Tell your older children that the “hot” guy or girl who just friended them on social media is probably a 45-year-old, overweight dude living in his mom’s basement. And no matter how caring, sexy, or fun that person is, they are probably not who they say they are, ESPECIALLY if they want a teen or pre-teen to send photos, make videos, or talk about sex.

    5) Have a frank discussion with older children about photos, sexting and the permanence of the internet.

    The Internet is permanent. Be perfectly (and age appropriately) frank with your child. Tell him that any photo he takes and sends over the internet, anything posted on social media, and anything said via text or email will last forever (even if an app promises to make things “disappear”). Tell your teen that no matter how much they love and trust a boy/girlfriend, NEVER take or share nude or semi-nude photos. There is a strong chance that those clearly identifiable photos will end up on pornography sites.

    Make it perfectly clear that you do not want your child’s digital legacy to be nude or graphic photos or videos, photos of drinking or drug use, criminal behavior, or anything that can jeopardize your child’s safety and future.

     

     

  • No secrets: It’s easy for kids to keep promises … for the wrong people

    One of the most important things I teach parents about empowering children against abuse is: “no secrets.”

    Yesterday I was reminded about how important it is to REINFORCE this lesson as children get older. Although the following story does not involve abuse, it shows how easy it is for a child to keep a secret with a “trusted adult” … even if the adult is wrong or should not be trusted.

    secrets

     

    The Story

    Family X is a local family who has a daughter with a chronic illness. If Daughter X is exposed to sick kids, her likelihood of infection is exponentially higher than other children’s. If infected, a simple cold or flu could kill her. A vomiting illness could land Daughter X in the hospital. The result? Family X is vigilant. Daughter X wears a mask in public, and they ask people whom they encounter to let them know if they or their children are sick.

    Last weekend, Family X had a small family gathering to celebrate an important milestone. At the party, Cousin X began throwing up in the bathroom. Family X’s 11-year-old son, who is not ill, was there. When Aunt X found out, she told Son X, “Please don’t tell anyone, especially your mother. I don’t want to ruin the party.”

    So, not wanting to disobey or upset his beloved aunt, Son X kept quiet. Until he began vomiting the next day.

    When Mother X was taking care of the-now-terribly-ill Son X, she asked him, “Did you know of anyone who was sick?”

    Barfing and needing his mother’s care, Son X told her the secret.

    Mother X was rightfully upset. Now, Son X was suffering and Daughter X was at severe risk. Had the aunt simply told Son X to wash his hands and tell his mother about the situation, Family X could have taken the necessary precautions, including making sure that all surfaces were clean and the sick cousin was quarantined (which should have happened anyway). But Aunt X decided to make that call and swear a child to secrecy. Now, everyone was at risk.

    But what was also upsetting was the ease with which Son X kept his aunt’s secret. Although Son X is a child, he knew that by keeping the secret, there was a huge risk. But he loves and trusts his aunt. He truly believes that such an aunt would never do anything to put him or Family X in harm’s way.

    See where I am going here?

    This is why children usually don’t report sexual abuse.

    Because the abuser is a loved and trusted adult—whether a family member, scout leader, minister, neighbor, or camp counselor—he or she can easily tell the child, “Don’t tell anyone.” And the child will obey. The more loved and trusted the adult is, the more likely the child is to keep the secret. And if a child has been groomed over a period of weeks or months, he or she is even less likely to tell.

    So, now what do you do?

    — Reinforce the “no secrets” rule (make sure to differentiate between “secrets” and “surprises.” Secrets are never told. Surprises are things like parties and presents).

    — Give your child a situation and ask the what he or she would do. For example, you could say, “What if Mrs. Cooper showed you something and made you promise to never tell. What would you do?” Depending on the child’s answer, you can say that he or she should never keep an adult’s secret.

    You can go on and say that adults should never have secrets with kids. Always tell mom/dad anytime an adult—no matter how much the child loves the adult—wants to have a special secret. Even if it’s something as simple as a extra snack. Or a barfing cousin.

    Don’t wait until it’s too late.

    Note:

    Kids sharing secrets amongst themselves is an issue for a later post.

  • My kid has been invited to a slumber party! What do I do?

    The words from panicky parents ring far and wide:

    “I went to slumber parties all of the time and, you know, nothing bad ever happened. But things are so different now!”

    “I’ve never let my child spend a night away from me. But she’s nine now, and all of her friends have slumber parties. I can’t keep saying no.”

    So what do you do? Let’s start at the beginning:

    RELAX – Being upset about it is only going to make your child skittish. There are things you can do to calm your fears and help ensure your child’s safety.

    LOOK AT YOUR CHILD AND YOUR OPTIONS – Is your child enthusiastic about the slumber party? Maybe she isn’t. If your child does not want to go, don’t force him or her. There are also great alternatives – maybe your child can stay for the evening part of the party, but prefers to be picked up at 8 pm. For families with church and sports obligations, that’s a perfectly reasonable option.

    KNOW THE FAMILY – Just because you’ve seen the family at school, sports, or church functions doesn’t mean that you really know how they live. Ask to be invited inside the house. Tell the host parents that you’re “one of those nervous types” and just want to make sure everything is ok. If they care about your child, they will do everything they can to show you around. Besides, you also want to confirm that the family doesn’t have a cat ranch in the back bedroom, that they indeed use indoor plumbing, and/or there is no need for a hoarding intervention.

    TRUST YOUR GUT – Do you like the parents, but don’t have a good feeling about the teenage brother? Does your child like his/her friend, but says that the child’s dad is “creepy?” Do you have a bad feeling about the situation? Then just say no.

    HOST A STARTER PARTY – Have a child or two spend the night at your house. This is especially helpful if you think your child may have trepidation about spending a night away from home. You can also have a starter party at a trusted friend’s house – I was lucky enough to have one in the neighborhood for my son’s first sleepover. If anything went wrong, I was three doors down.

    TALK TO YOUR CHILD – In an ideal world, you will have already empowered your child about boundaries and his body. But now, go a step further: Tell your child that slumber parties are awesome. Remind her to get some sleep, don’t eat too much junk, and never be alone with an adult in the house behind closed doors. Also tell your child to call you if anything goes wrong, if something happens, or if he is scared. Plus, remind your child that he can tell you anything, even if he thinks he has done something bad or wrong.

    MAKE UP FOR THE NOS – If you have to tell your child “no” for a slumber party, let him have a friend overnight at your home. You don’t want your child confusing your prudence with his punishment.

    GET THE DEETS – It’s so easy to forget the little things. Make sure you have the hosts’ phone numbers and address. Make sure they have yours. Tell them if your child has allergies. Tell them that they have permission to dial 911 immediately if there is a serious accident involving your child. Tell them if your child does not know how to swim or if she needs to take medication.

     

    Not every child likes sleepovers (I was one of those kids), but for most elementary-school-age and older kids, slumber parties are an important rite of passage, a great social bonding tool, and tons of fun. With care, your child can thrive in these situations … except for the junk-food-lack-of-sleep-induced tummy ache. You’re on your own with that one.

     

     

  • Predators, Alcohol and Teens … a deadly combination

     

    The sexual abuse of teens by powerful adults (teachers, coaches, priests, family members) is a trauma double whammy: teens damaged by the abuse AND they are often blamed for the abuse by community members who say that the teen wanted it, was a slut, or should have known better.

    What these people don’t understand—but predators do—are the intricacies of a teenager’s brain.

    I’m not talking about hormones here. I’m talking about the physical, mental and emotional maturation of the white matter between a kid’s ears.

    In his book Brainstorm, Daniel J. Siegel talks about why teenagers act the way they do. Without getting into the meat of the book (which is a must read for teens and parents), there was one specific point he made (among many) that shows why predators who target teens are far more likely to use alcohol to groom their victims.

    According to Siegel’s studies, the teenage brain is subject to much greater dopamine releases than either children or adults. That is, they get much greater pleasure and a much bigger “rush” from alcohol, drugs, or dangerous behavior (sex, fast driving, BMX racing, etc.). So the euphoria a teen feels after drinking is much more intense than what an adult feels. Therefore, it’s harder to resist … or stop.

    Siegel takes it a step further. In the studies he cites, teens are also far more susceptible to addiction, because their brains’ “pleasure receptacles” haven’t developed enough to help the brain engage in self-control.

    Put those together with a powerful and influential adult, and you have trouble. Predators who target teens know: a) teens are more likely to accept alcohol, b) they are more likely to drink to intoxication and addiction, c) they get a rush from the excitement of breaking the rules and feel “adult,” d) they know it’s wrong and are unlikely to tell a parent if something happens to them while they are drunk (especially if the teen is a boy who was abused by a man), and most importantly,

    e) the teen is likely to be blamed for the abuse (“You were drunk! What did you THINK would happen?”).

    How do you prevent this from happening you your teen? It’s easy: TALK ABOUT IT. Be blunt. Show them what you have read and ask them what they think about it. Ask them what they have seen. Ask their opinion … and value it. Tell your teen that if an adult tries to give them alcohol “in secret,” (it’s illegal, and) that adult has serious issues and must be reported. Tell your teen that if something like that happens, they can tell you safely. Tell your teen that if they know of something that has happened or if something happened to them, they shouldn’t be scared or ashamed.

    Come to your teen from a place of conversation, not one of lecturing or shaming. Don’t talk about “your time” as a teen—ask them about theirs. It may take a couple of days of innocent questions, but if they think you are really interested in what they have to say, they will come around. And don’t be embarrassed or discouraged.

    There is a lot more to talk to you teen about when it comes to alcohol … but this is a good start.

    And starting the conversation is the first and most important part, right?

    I’ll cover this and other issues with teens far more in-depth … but you’ll have to buy the upcoming book.

     

     

  • You read Dylan Farrow’s letter. Now what?

    Every once in a while, I catch myself wondering why the child sex abuse awareness movement (especially in the Catholic Church) has never elicited support from Hollywood A-listers.

    Yesterday, Dylan Farrow gave us a painful and personal reminder.

    Her immensely brave open letter in the New York Times is raw. She openly accuses Woody Allen and gives details of the abuse. But she goes a step further, naming the Hollywood A-Listers who continue to support Allen.

    (Although Allen has not been found guilty in a court of law, he has been accused of abuse by one of his children, and went on to marry his step-daughter.)

    The sense of betrayal that Farrow expresses is a universal theme for victims of child sexual abuse. The crime of abuse is horrific enough for a child, but when adults whom the child loves and respects side with the abuser, it is devastating. It drives the victim into a world of shame and silence. I know that feeling first hand.

    I also know another feeling that Farrow describes—the sheer disgust as she watches Hollywood elites fawn over Allen, his movies and his continued award nominations. No one in Hollywood will publicly stand up for Farrow, just like no one in Hollywood stood up for the victim of Roman Polanski. Just like no one at Adrian College will stand up for me and the other victims of Thomas Hodgman.

    So, now do we do?

    We have a call to action—We need to change how we deal with victims of sexual abuse.

    1) If you know victims of abuse (and you do), tell them that you love and support them. Tell them you believe them.

    2) If you can help a victim report to the police, do it.

    3) Open up communication with your children and family members about abuse. Don’t shroud discussions of sex or abuse with shame.

    4) Write your legislators about changing laws dealing with child sex crimes. Three bills in California (two dealing with statutes of limitation and another dealing with training reporters) need support.

    5) Don’t give your money or allegiance to organizations who engage in legal battles with victims in order to hide abuse and cover-up. The Archdiocese of Los Angeles spent millions trying to keep their crimes secret. So did the Archdiocese of Chicago and the Diocese of Orange. Publicly admonish those who covered up abuse.

    6) Don’t go to Woody Allen movies. Go a step further and don’t support any actor or studio affiliated with Allen.

    7) Raise children who are well-armored against abuse. My upcoming book can help you get started. The proposal is done and we are currently looking for an agent/publisher. If you want more information or know a contact who would be interested, email me.