Journalist and blogger Heather Mundt and I discuss: A Back-to-School Rule for Kids: Trust Your Gut, 5 Guidelines to Help Kids Self-Protect
Author: Joelle Casteix
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A novel peek into the “convoluted world” of grooming
A very good friend of mine pointed me to a recent review of Eimear McBride’ novel A GIRL IS A HALF-FORMED THING. The author of the review, Paige Reynolds, includes this very intuitive and honest description of some of the reasons why the sexual abuse of teens can be so damaging:
The novel thus showcases the genuine complexity of sexual abuse as experienced by someone in her teens. It acknowledges the fact that sexual abuse can feel good physically … if not psychologically or socially appropriate, that it is a perceived exercise of power … that it appears to give immediate access to the coveted world of adulthood, that the secrecy demanded by abuse becomes something that belongs to the victim and sutures him or her to the adult abuser, even as it enables more harmful abuse. The novel depicts the convoluted nature of sexual abuse, even as its distressing conclusion confirms that this abuse is fundamentally harmful and can have deadly consequences.
What the reviewer does not discuss, however, is that the glimpse into the “coveted world of adulthood,” the “secrecy,” and the “convoluted world” are keynotes of grooming – the way that a predator flatters and manipulates a child or teen into becoming a “compliant” victim. The adult does this by gaining the child’s implicit trust and love, blurring sexual boundaries, sexualizing behavior, and convincing the child or teen that a positive physical response (even though the child or teen is hurt, confused, shamed, isolated, or disassociating) means that the child or teen wants and needs the abusive behavior.
If a predator can use grooming to create a world that confusing and convoluted for an adult book reviewer, how can a child or teen stand a chance?
The excerpt above also shows some of the reasons why teen victims of abuse experience such profound feelings of shame – because this “convoluted world” makes a teen feel that abuse was his/her fault, he/she wanted it or asked for it, or that the teen is fundamentally flawed. Add in layers of religion (as in cases of sexual abuse by clergy in Catholic or Protestant faiths) or the manipulation of incest, and this convoluted world becomes even more tragic and wrought with shame.
Although this review focuses on a female character, grooming is just as confusing and damaging for boys. I also want to make it clear that it does not matter what the sex of the abuser is. A boy sexually abused by an adult woman can be just as damaged and hurt as a boy abused by a man.
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We need to end our love-affair with shame
Slut-shaming, fat-shaming, victim-shaming, political shaming … we are a society in love with shame. And our children pay the price.
Note: Guilt is the nasty and usually appropriate feeling people have when they have DONE something bad. Shame is the nasty and usually inappropriate feeling people have when they believe that they ARE bad. In cases of slut-, fat-, victim and political shaming, the “shamer” is telling the target that he or she IS a bad or inadequate person.Social media only adds very public fuel to the fire—in places like Twitter, 20 people with the proper hashtags can suddenly sound like they number in the millions. On Facebook, it can get far more personal.
Sex abuse victims, especially those in the Catholic Church and other religious organizations, know shame and shaming firsthand. Many victims who reported to church officials were told that their accusations were sinful and brought shame upon themselves and their families (unfortunately, this is still very true and common in the Latino community). Even now, Catholic spokespeople try to shame advocacy groups into silence through name calling, minimizing abuse, and victim-shaming. In the Protestant community, victims have been met with physical threats and even child victims of convicted sex offender Greg Kelly are being openly shamed on Twitter.
And there is a reason that people LOVE to use shame: It works. Want to know the #1 reason child sex abuse victims don’t come forward? Shame. Want to know the #1 reason many victims become self-destructive, addicts, violent, depressed and/or suicidal? Shame.
Shame is a powerful weapon. And for anyone who is not a narcissist or sociopath (or a cat), it’s a huge weight to carry. That’s why we need to stop using is as a motivator. Children who are wracked with shame (whether through parents’ words and actions or the words or actions of other important adults) are VERY vulnerable to the flattery and attention of grooming. A child who feels shameful will do anything to feel “on top of the world,” and a child predator knows exactly how to do it … right before the predator sexually abuses the child.
And more importantly: Shameful children are not happy children.
So now what? It’s time to take shame out of the equation. Here are a few ways to raise a child free(er) of shame.
- Don’t use shame to punish your children. There is a big difference between an age-appropriate punishment as a result of your child’s bad ACTION and a punishment that is shameful and tells your child that HE or SHE IS BAD.
- Don’t use guilt trips on your children.
- Never tell your child that he or she is the reason you and your partner are fighting. Never tell your child that he or she ruined your day, a vacation, etc.
- Never tell your child or allow another adult to tell your child that he or she is a bad person, has “brought shame on him/herself and others,” or is “shameful in the eyes of God.”
- Never call your child names (ugly, stupid, evil, bad, hateful) and discourage name-calling in general. Name calling is demeaning to the caller, as well as the target.
Life is hard enough. It’s time to give shame and shaming the boot.
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Internet Safety for Parents – Costa Mesa Speakers Series
Upcoming speakers will include experts on Bullying Prevention, Child Sex Abuse Awareness and Prevention (read: me), and Substance Abuse
The event is free and open to the public. Hope to see you there.
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A back-to-school “Must Have” that can save your child from abuse
It’s that time of year again. You’ve made the rounds to the local big box and office supply stores. You have scoured every children’s clothing section in a 20-mile radius for “fashion-forward”—yet “tastefully modest”—school wear. You have soccer snacks, cleats, football gear, cheer uniforms and a brand new lunch box.
But there is one more thing your child MUST HAVE, and it’s not in any store, hand-me-down box, or school supply bin: Trust in his or her gut.
How your child USES and trusts his or her gut can be the first and best defense against child sexual abuse.
Child predators try to carefully manipulate children using flattery, gifts, lies, and threats (this manipulation is called grooming) so that the child does not follow his or her instincts and becomes a “compliant” victim—a victim who does not fight and won’t report to the police.
Unfortunately, we live in a society that prizes the use of logic over intuition. We value procedure over instinct. We ask our children to tell us how they solve problems, but we don’t allow the answer: It just felt right. And with that, we are doing our children a terrible disservice.
Unfortunately, it’s also how tens of thousands of children become vulnerable to child sexual abuse by people they know and trust—teachers, coaches, relatives, and ministers.
I have worked with approximately 1000 adults who were sexually abused as children. And while there are many unique reasons that each child was vulnerable, there is also one over-arching theme: when their gut told each victim to turn around and walk away, their minds and the predator talked and manipulated them out of it.
Your child does not have to suffer the same fate.
Experts often call the gut the body’s “second brain.” In fact, with 500 million neurons, the gut is an amazing organ—it reacts to stress, mood changes, and millions of potential toxins that come into our bodies through our mouths. Since many scientists believe that the gut is, in fact, our original brain, it’s no wonder that we have coined terms like “gut feelings” and “gut reactions” for our initial (and often correct) reactions to situations. It’s our original survival instinct.
You want your child to follow this survival instinct and react properly when adults blur boundaries, act inappropriately, or groom children for abuse. You want your child to follow her gut and talk to you if she sees, hears about, or has a feeling that a child is being hurt. You don’t want a predator to con your child into being his or her next victim, and your child’s gut is his or her first defense.
So how can you show your child how to use his gut without scaring him or giving her age-inappropriate information about sex abuse? It’s easier than you think.
1) Talk to your child about gut feelings. This is a very easy discussion to start. Whether your child is a kindergartner or a teen, there are dozens of situations every day where your child has to make a decision that is a part of the gut vs. brain paradigm. Explain how the gut reacts to situations—a great example is talking about stomach “butterflies” during times of excitement or stress. You can talk to your kids about peer pressure, and how peers will try to convince them to do things that go against “gut feelings”—gut feelings that later prove to be correct. Encourage your child to make decisions based on thinking and feeling. I’m not talking about basing decisions on emotion, but telling your child that it’s okay to embrace that “inner instinctual pull” they may feel towards a specific decision.
2) Don’t force your child to hug or kiss adults if he or she is uncomfortable doing so. This is especially important for younger children. When we force toddlers to hug adults when they don’t want to, we reinforce two bad behaviors: we are telling our children that we don’t respect their body boundaries; and we are telling them that it’s okay for adults to touch them in ways they don’t like. We are also implicitly telling them to go against their gut feelings about creepy adults, which will lead to trouble later if another adult tries to groom the child for abuse.
3) Don’t dismiss your child when he or she says that an adult is creepy, even if you like the adult. It’s very easy to tell your child Don’t be silly when she comes to you and says that a particular coach, teacher or neighbor is creepy. But don’t do it. Respect your child’s feelings, ask them why he or she thinks that way, and tell them to steer clear of that adult, while remaining respectful.
4) Tell your child that mistakes are opportunities to learn and grow. Enforce the fact that you want your child to talk about mistakes, even if they are embarrassing. Your child is going to mess up. You are going to mess up. Your child is going to make mistakes that infuriate you. As a parent, it’s your job to create proper consequences if rules are broken, but it’s also your job to be an ear. The more you reinforce to your child that he or she can come to you and talk about mistakes, ask for help, ask your opinion, or just be an ear, you are telling your child to trust his or her instincts. You are also raising a child who will be more likely to come to you when an adult acts strangely, tries to blur boundaries, or is inappropriate.